Ex wants baby overnight,what to do?

[rhibutterfly]

My exdp has asked to have our almost six month old daughter overnight on Friday and I am freaking out.The longest he has had her alone is 2 and half hours in daytime,I'm afraid he'll leave her to cry like he's tried to do before,he doesn't listen when I tell him her routine,how best to deal with her colic etc,he likes a drink and would probably have a couple beforehand on Friday,he keeps saying I should trust him and give him the chance to be a dad,bearing in mind when we were together he refused to change pooed nappies and didn't do night feeds,do I let her go?

No.

I wouldn't just yet. I would perhaps increase daytime contact with a view to start overnights when dd is older.

NO. No no no no.

I have a 6 month old and over my dead body would that be happening if everything you say in your OP is true.

Fuck no. You'd never forgive yourself if something happened and its not fair on your dd.

Yes but not just yet. If you can be frank with him, explain why you're nervous and ask him to help build your confidence.

All these people saying no, how would you feel if YOU were the dad not being trusted with your own baby?

I understand you have worries, but you need to sit down with him and talk these through, a child deserves both parents!

I know it's hard believe me, my children go to their dad for 3 days/nights every week and sometimes it kills me to let me go, especially every other year when he has them for Christmas day, but it's only fair.

Why does a mother get it all, you made the baby together now parent the baby together.

I would suggest sitting down and having a conversation about all your worries and go from there, suggest doing half days, then full days and then overnight.

You have to think about the fact that your child deserves a relationship with both parents and put aside your own feelings in order to let this happen for the sake of your child.

Yes ProtegeMoi but has your kids' Dad ever had them for longer than two and a half hours?

Yes of course but not when we first split. I was a SAHM and he worked so childcare was mainly my responsibility. We still agreed 50/50 custody from the get go.

He, like me, had never had to have the children all day and overnight alone but you manage. What difference is 2 and a half hours to 5 or 8?

You will see I suggested building up to half a day, full day, overnight in my post. Just because he has only had the baby a short time doesn't mean it has to always stay that way. After all how many first time mums have had experience of caring for a newborn 24/7, night feeds etc. before their own?

We don't get made to prove ourself and jump through hoops. We just get on with it, as he will.

Protege - it's not a sexist thing the op. has concerns about whether the father can care adequately for the baby.
It it were me I'd want a build up over time. Going from 2.5 hours to overnight is unreasonable.

Which is exactly what I suggested doing.

Was very shocked at posters saying no, full stop and not build up slowly, speak to him about the concerns, that may be unfounded as OP has not mentioned any issues when he has had the baby previously.

Tell him No this time. By the sound of it there are no court orders in place so there is nothing he can do at present. And start keeping a diary of any incidents of him being drunk or failing to turn up on time or neglecting to feed/change the baby when he does see her. You can build upto overnight contact gradually, but it is dependent on him behaving well.

No court would order overnight contact with a 6 month old baby anyway. Bear in mind that he probably doesn't really want overnight contact, he's just trying to distress you by making demands.

Sorry not been back on sooner technical issues'protege my concerns are that he has only had her for 2.5 hrs by choice because he can't wait to get to the pub to watch the footie,get pissed etc.when we were together,I would explain to him how to best settle her when she has colic and he would totally ignore all my advice,he has tried to leave her"cry it out" in the past,if I was a total bitch I wouldn't let him have contact at all because I worry about her welfare whenever she is with him,plus we broke up because he was shouting at me so loudly(while I was holding baby) that he upset my older daughter so much he scared her,we left that night(four weeks ago) and she still refuses to see or speak to him,she won't stay at the house when he comes to pick up baby or I have to meet him at end of street

Yes solidgold because a nasty court battle is the best way to solve this.

I understand your concerns rhi and like I said you need to discuss this with him and slowly increase contact times if he is sticking with what has been agreed. If you have any concerns that your baby may be in danger then stop contact immediately.

A diary as solidgold suggested is a great idea. It will help you to bring up concerns with him.

Perhaps meet with him and discuss contract. Agree a time/day etc. short visits at first and then set a review date, say 2 months time etc.

During the 2 months write down everything and meet again. If all has gone well increase contact times if not then no increase and set another review date.

This way you are in control, constantly managing the situation and he can see exactly what he needs to do if he wants to work up to overnight contact.

You need to work together, give and take on both sides.

If a man is selfish and abusive (which this one clearly is) then the OP's first priority is protecting the baby and herself, not the man's feelings. It's not remotely unreasonable to say that a six-month-old baby is too young for overnight contact, and that you would prefer contact to build up slowly.

And given that the OP says the man is not that interested or has not been that interested so far, then his request to have the baby overnight is clearly motivated by wanting to upset the OP and have a row with her.

Rhi: stand your ground, insist that contact is built up slowly and steadily. If he is aggressive or threatening or troublesome, involve the police, record everything and don't let any bullshit he might come out with bother you. Best of luck

Hmm, when my DS was 6 months old, I took him round the world on my own, no one mentioned any possibility of that being a problem because I had never been alone with him overnight. We've all got to start somewhere. Discuss your concerns and care but remember your ex doesn't have to follow your rules. Worth getting the colic issue checked as baby's usually grow out of colic by this age.

A man who won't change a pooey nappy is not fit to have overnight care ofa baby. Is the poor little thing supposed to stay in her pooey nappy till she's handed back to her mother?

I think both Protege and SolidGold are right here, in different ways.

My Ex left me when DS was 6 months old, and we very quickly (within a month) worked our way up to overnight contact. He now has him every other weekend.

We did this because Protege is right, it is important for kids to have both parents, as equally involved as possible, (in my case I would like Ed to be more involved but he chooses not to) and overnights is part of this.

However, given the concerns you have laid about the situation before he left ect, I would advise building up slowly. I would suggest you talk to Ex and say that overnights for one so young is quite a big step and suggest you build up the time he spends with DC in the day, before moving to overnight.

As you have concerns, I would, as SoldGold suggests, keep a diary and keep an eye on what is happening as you gradually increase the time. It should be very telling given if you increase it to, say, 8 hours in a day he will have to feed and change baby.

You do need to trust your Ex to be a Dad and give him the opportunity to be one, you also need to ensure you are doing it in such a way that you are looking at for your baby and doing what is right for her.

It is absolutely right that your baby should get proper time with Dad, but building gradually and keeping a close eye is also important.

Say no, not just yet, but offer to increase time over the next few months and build up to that.

Is he truly as bad as you make out, after all you decided he would be a good man to have children with.

Turn the tables around, if you were the NRP wouldnt you want over night stays. I'm pretty confident you wouldnt be happy with such little time with your OWN child.

No way. He needs to build up the time slowly, it's too unsettling for the baby to go straight to overnights. If she's breastfed that's an issue for overnight contact too, and she's very young for overnight contact - perhaps if he'd had very good, very regular contact since birth, but still 6 months is very young. Even when parents do regular from birth contact overnights often start later than this.

And then you have the other worry that currently you can't trust him to look after your DD properly, so it's doubly in her interest for him to earn that trust back by proving that he can adequately care for her for a shorter length of time.

HappyMummy really? And men don't ever lie or give false impressions about how involved they're going to be, and nobody ever gets pregnant by accident right? Don't be ridiculous!

OP I would keep offering reasonable contact (where you gradually increase the time) but be firm and don't budge once you've decided on something. If it ends up going to court then so be it - I would happily go to court to protect my DC from neglect if I had to.

Might mediation be worth a try? It's only a recent break up and if he's been abusive (shouting) before it might be best to have a neutral third party when discussing these things.

Rhi, Women's Aid would help you find support with this situation if you need some, even if it's just advice on where to look for mediation or suggestions about reasonable contact times.

Thanks for all the advice all,I told exdp that I wasn't ready for an overnight yet and he accepted this very easy,too easy if I were cynical,I am trying very hard to be civil for my baby's sake,he hasn't given me a penny in over two months and when he has dd i let him have her for longer if he says she slept so he can have quality time with her but he still fetches her home earlier than first planned,I've offered afternoons because that is when she is most awake,but he prefers mornings because he wants to go to pub in afternoon.Happy mum,yes in the beginning he was on best behaviour,cut out drinking,promised to help out if I agreed to have another child etc etc but because I had the audacity to leave him he did say he never wanted to see ANY of us again and I still let him see her even when my older dd begs me not to let her sister go because she is scared

Well he sounds like the sort of useless lazy prick who is only bothering with contact in order to mess you about. The best way to deal with it is not to push him for more contact, keep that diary and let it fizzle out.
It's not in a baby's best interests to have contact with someone who is selfish and neglectful. If he suddenly grows up and his behaviour improves, contact can be increased, but do keep that diary. Because sometimes a man like this gets a new girlfriend and suddenly he's all 'Bitch won't let me see my kid' and threatening court action - if you have evidence that he's been a lousy father so far he will be expected to prove he can be an adequate father before he gets more than brief spells of contact.

Thank you solid gold xxx