Ds asking questions about daddy.

[spingey]

Exp walked out of our lives 2 1/2 years ago. Changed his number, moved house stopped paying maintenance and ceased any contact with me....all of his own choice. I was always very accomodating of him having a relationship with the dcs. I have since managed to have some contact with him where he basicly told me he doesnt want to be a dad.....he isnt cut out for it and the kids are better off without him. He has gone awol again because I started trying to claim maintenance from him.
Anyway fast forward to last night bedtime and ds suddenly came out with "why dont I have a daddy?"
I was a bit taken aback and unsure of what to say. I dont want to lie to him because when he is old enough (he is 5 now) I think it would make the truth all the more harder to take. So I told him that daddy does love him but that he just can't be a daddy right now. So mummy is doing his job for him and loves him twice as much.
He then said we weren't a real family and that we need 4 not 3. And counted out mummy daddy him and his sister on his fingers. I got quite upset at this point as I have struggled with us being a family and its only recently that I have really felt we were a family. I started crying which upset ds even more, he kept repeating that he loved me but that he really misses his daddy.

My mum was on hand to help for a moment and also tried to reassure ds that daddy loved him but that we dont really know where he is. He perked up a little and we talked about how lucky he was to have lots of people around him who love him very much.

He asked if his dad has a picture of him in his wallet. I told him he did although I dont think this is the case but I knew it would have hurt him if I had said no. I will pass on photo's to exp sister when the school ones arrive but I cant imagine he will want a copy.

in all honesty the man couldn't give a flying f**k about the kids and has deleted all evidence of them from his life. All the photo's he had of them on facebook are gone and I dare say the tattoo he had of ds on his arm will be covered over in time. I hate it how he has walked away and just deleted them from his life and left me to pick up the pieces. Whilst I agree with him that the children are better off without him I dont want to inflict my bitterness and opinions on to them and would rather they formed their own opinions of daddy rather than what I think of him.....if that makes sense.

Sorry Im rambling on a bit....Im just not sure what to do or make of it all. Ds is such a happy little boy but he is also very sensitive and struggles with his feelings. He wont usually talk about things like that so I was quite shocked when he said it. I know no one can tell me what to say but I dont want to say the wrong thing. I know exp has had quite a negative effect on ds with the way he left and his behaviour prior to leaving. ds saw a pead dr a while back who said it was likely that exp was responsible for ds's autistic traits. I dont know if he is right.

I know tonight when I put him to bed the question will probably arise again. Im glad he is talking to me about it but I dont know where it has come from..... we were on holiday last week so perhaps he saw lots of children with their dads and wondered where his was. Or last night we went to a family party and he was playing with a little girl who's dad was there.

Sorry for rambling, if you have read my nonsense so far then thankyou. I just really dont know what the right response is.

Sounds like you dealt with it admirably and that you are a fantastic Mum.

There is no way to make it completely OK for DS but you have done your best and have surrounded him with love and care, you can do no more.

Thanks. Im not sure about being a fantastic mum....I shout far too much. Im sure dd will eventually start asking questions so I need to be cohearent (sp?) with them both.
Thanks for replying though.

I'm a single mother by choice so I have very different conversations with my DS but one of the things I've always said to him is that all families are different shapes and sizes: Some families have a mummy and daddy, some have just a mummy, some have two daddies and no mummy etc.

And I would start talking to your DD now, rather than waiting for her to ask questions. Make it something they have always known, that isn't a taboo subject and that you are a team together - the three of you.

I agree with Dowagers, families come in different shapes and sizes and your son is incredibly lucky to have a mother who is filling both roles. No mean task so don't you dare start doubting yourself.

You sound as though you are coping marvellously well in the circumstances so try and concentrate on the positives but experience the wobbles and don't shy away from them. Looking to the future, your son will be able to see what you've done and what his father hasn't done and will be all the more grateful for the fantastic mother he's had.

Hi, OP. Sorry if I say something strange, but as I'm not native english speaking, I'll try my best to make myself clear, ok?

I have a very similar experience. I broke up with DS' father when I was 2 moths pregnant. We were not married. He decided that if I was no longer to be with him, so he would not be there for DS.

DS is about to turn 6, and a year ago he asked me "mummy, don't I have a father?" I told him that he has, but doesn't know him, because we broke up before he was born, and that he lives far away (that's true, also).
I tried not to make this a taboo thing, but it's not very easy, since his father has absolutely no part in our life - so how to bring it to a conversation without being the subject? I mean, it's not like saying "look, it's raining, your father likes the rain!", or "you know, today I saw someone that looked like your father"... It just doesn't happen.

But the point is that children can be cruel sometimes, even without noticing. I've heard children asking him if he doesn't have a father, why did his father didn't want to be with him, and how could he be born with no father...

I think that the most important is to make him feel secure, knowing that you really love him, and that you will always be there to answer his questions.
And do it without making the father looks like a superheroe that wil be very glad if DS appears suddenly in his life someday! Because your DS WILL eventually want to know him (mine already said that one day when he grows up he is going to visit his dad so they can play football together...), and I can only imagine the father's reaction...

It's not easy. Sometimes I burst in tears when I think of how to make it easier to DS.
But I try to keep in mind that I can make mistakes, and there is no "right" way to talk about it. I know I didn't manage to make DS as secure and light about the subject as I would like to. And sometimes I just wish we could be in a film, where there are always happy endings for these situations... DS would grow up to be a very hansome man, and would tell me "mom, I thank you for what you've done, you were the best mom, I never even miss having a father!"

Just keep straight. We all shout sometimes, we all get tired (specially being a lone parent).
And if you ever find out a way to make it easier... Please, post in here!!

As for the hero who grows up and says that ^:...Bradley Wiggins...what a great role model for young sons who grow up without their father in their life. I would love him to re-write his biography so that 10/11 year old boys could read it easily.

I think you dealt with it brilliantly. I agree with others who say to talk about how families come in different shapes and sizes. Do you know any other single parent families? Use them as examples.

It's a fine line to walk between being honest and open with your children and not wanting to tell them potentially hurtful things. ExP had an affair and is now living with OW and her kids. DS has lots of contact with him which is great but he does have questions about why Daddy doesn't live her anymore and it's hard to answer them without making exP sound like a total twat (which of couse, I think he is!), so you have my full sympathy.

Hat off to you spingey

I hope there are far more single parents like you..

As a Father , It boils my blood to know idiots like this exists..

It hurts like crazy dosen't it - double hurt, because you hurt so badly for them, and because you know that they are being caused hurt and there is nothing you can do to protect them. My ex walked out four years ago and last week my little one (he was 7 when his father left) said he couldn't even remember what his father looked like.

OP and Rudolph - I have learn't that oddly, it is almost easier for the younger ones to grow up without a father, I have older children and the effect on them was much worse, because they knew of what it was like to be, OP, as your DS said, 4. Mummy, Daddy, DS & DD. I have a friend who was brought up by four sisters and a mother, no male role yet he is the nicest man I know. So perhaps it can work very well to be a boy in a matriarchal family.

You can't hide your feckless father from your DS but I do think it is wise to go slowly on what you tell him - he will work it out by himself, but with you being so strong and such a good role model, he won't feel such an impact of not having a father, because he has a strong family behind him.

Spingey, I'm going through similar and my dd is 5. Ex left nearly two years ago with no contact since.

Lots of questions, imo all you can do is reassure them, make them feel safe and secure. I tell my dd how lucky she is to have her gran, grandad, dogs, friends, activities etc and we all love her so much. I answer 'don't know' to questions such as 'when is he coming back/visit'?, 'why did daddy leave'? and this is the truth - I don't know.

Only a couple of weeks ago, she broke down in someone's house and told all, but imo it's healthy for her to talk about it. A child psychologist told me, my dd will have to learn to live with her loss, like we all do, be it death, separation etc.

Hard to believe anyone could abandon their dc and very hard for a 5 year old to understand, when you can't comprehend it yourself.

It's not easy Spingey and I wish you well especially at this time of year.

Hello there are some really good books that help with this on Amazon one is actually called 'Do I have a Daddy?' and is specifically aimed at children with only a mum, also 'the family book' by Todd Parr is good for explaining that families come in all shapes and sizes.

My dd is 6yo and struggles with not having a dad, I found giving her as much info as poss about him helps. You might want to think about having a daddy scrap book in which there are pics in of him, also key info like his name, what things he likes etc. Explaining the absence is really hard and I say to my dd 'it is o.kay for you to feel sad or cross about this because it is hard for you to not have a daddy sometimes.'

I also do lots of focusing on the people she has in her like that love her very much