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Original poster

Birth certificate row

17 replies

datedthedevil · 10/12/2012 01:05

Hiya,

Following advice on here and from domestic violence support people I haven't put my ex p's name on my ds's birth certificate. (He was emotionally abusive & controlling and left me when I was pregnant, saying he wanted nothing to do with us ever. Luckily he has seen his ds and adores him).

Today my ex found out that he isnt on the birth certificate and is 'ducking fuming' as he put it.

He now refuses to have anything to do with me or his ds as he says legally he isn't his father. I can understand why he's angry but I stand by my decision/actions.

What can I do to appease him? I don't want him to walk away from us as my ds needs his dad. But I don't want him to be on the birth cert. I don't know what to do.

He's been so awful in the past maybe no contact is best but I feel terrible :-/

Many thanks.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 10/12/2012 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
datedthedevil · 10/12/2012 01:20

He's now saying unless he has parental responsibility he's never seeing his ds again :(

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 10/12/2012 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
datedthedevil · 10/12/2012 01:35

I don't want to give him parental responsibility. I think he's blackmailing me to give him it - he won't see his DS until he gets PR. I just pray he won't take me to court. Can I say anything to make him less cross?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/12/2012 01:42

That's his choice, though, not yours. You haven't prevented him from seeing his DS at all, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. As Natasha says if he wasn't there then you couldn't have legally named him on the birth cert anyway.

I'd be tempted to turn that around on him and say unless he steps up and acts like a proper father, you don't think he should get parental responsibility. How responsible is he if he's throwing a tantrum over a piece of paper and/or threatening to walk out of his DS's life for ANY reason? Hmm

Don't chase him and appease him to get him to participate in your DS' life. I know he's young now and he won't have any idea what you or your ex are doing, but it sets a precedent if you go around chasing XP now - stick to your guns, make it clear DS is available for (age-and-relationship appropriate) contact, and then stand firm! If he wants that relationship, he will come back.

If you have to chase someone then they're not that interested anyway. Does your DS really need someone in his life who's there because he's staking a claim on his territory, rather than because he loves and cares for him and wants to be there? Fathers are important, of course they are, but one who's uninterested or sees the whole exchange as a power game is likely to do more harm than good, IMO. Your son will benefit from other, more positive male role models in his life, and a role model of a mother who stands up for him and herself rather than chasing an abusive ex for dregs of contact and being grateful for it :(

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 10/12/2012 02:01

ok.

in your situation this is what i would do.

nothing.

he has chosen to walk out of his son's life. you do not want him to have PR so i'm taking that to believe you dont want him to have any say in his son's life. why then would you want to encourage him to be in your son's life? you know that will only cause problems down the line when he insists on being involved in decisions and you tell him he cant, he will just make life hard for you and insist on having PR. if that isn't what you want then dont force him to be involved.

do nothing. if his son is important to him, he will come back of his own accord. if he isn't important to him then why would you want someone like that in your child's life? your son may ask about his dad when he is older at which point you could get in touch with his dad and let him know his son wants to see him. but you really cant force a person to see their child if they dont want to. and you really shouldn't IMO. far too damaging to a child to know (and they will know, they can feel it) they're parent doesn't really want to be in tehir life.

carry on with your life. let this prick do what he wants. if he takes you to court then there's nothing you really can do except attend. my guess is, if you dont pursue him, he'll disappear all by himself.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 10/12/2012 02:03

their parent!

Original poster
datedthedevil · 10/12/2012 23:13

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all your advice.

I guess I'll have to wait and see what he does next (takes me to court or comes back and sees him anyway).

I'll def do nothing. Thank you again x

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 11/12/2012 10:14

hope it all works out ok for you. i've been in a similar boat and there really is no forcing a person to see their child if they dont want it. i'm 7 years down the line and he still picks the dcs up like a hobby when he can be bothered.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 11/12/2012 10:15

all you can do is be there for your child when they are hurting because of their other parent. it isn't easy but you have to be their rock.

Original poster
datedthedevil · 11/12/2012 11:50

The ex wants to see him, but he's withdrawing contact to get what he wants which is bonkers!

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 11/12/2012 12:36

well you cant reason with unreason so just let him be bonkers by himself. if seeing his son is important, he will do it whether his name is on BC or not.

ATouchOfStuffing · 18/12/2012 22:16

If anything he is proving that he wasn't really in it for the long haul. Cameron wasn't on his last child BC either because he didn't have time to register or something. Contact is not at all related and if he thinks it is then he is a prize idiot.
Don't let this guy bully you into getting further rights over your DS.

Wittsend13 · 20/12/2012 23:39

Your ex is still trying to have things done on his terms. Ie EA and controlling. Don't have him in your DS life. It's his choice make sure you go to the CSA. Don't allow him to bully you anymore.

splashymcsplash · 21/12/2012 23:27

Hi OP how are you?

While I agree that your ex is behaving rather childishly at best, do you not think that your ds has a right to have both his parents on his birth certificate?

I personally would feel rather uncomfortable with this situation.

queenofthepirates · 22/12/2012 13:04

I think that if the OP has had domestic violence issues with her ex and he's washed his hands of his child during the pregnancy, I'd suggest that her rights, just now as the resident parent, top her child's right to have his Dad on his birth certificate.

Having seen the awfulness that my step sister has been through with her son's father, I think she would comfortably say she wished she hadn't bothered. He's got MH issues, has tried to drown DS, kidnap him in the street, drug problems and is in and out of custody for house breaking.

His mother is pushing for access and the court has just awarded him an hour in a contact centre today. What a lovely Christmas present for my step sister-no one seems to have thought to ask her feelings on the matter. Whilst I wouldn't deny him access, he does need to sort himself out first before he gets access so his son isn't having to parent the father and mum isn't dragged through the courts. It's not much to ask.

blackeyedsusan · 23/12/2012 01:04

if they are not married, she can't put him on the birth certificate unless he attends the registryr office with her in person. not likely if there has been dv.

no good having a go at her for the law being as it is.

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