adding to the problem

[betterthanever]

My exp came back into our lives after an almost 7 year absence. My DS is 7.
There were safe guarding issues which I am happy if now reduced to put in the past and encourage the contact he says he wants.
CAFCASS are involved and we have a first hearing very soon. I asked that this was dealt with by the court so that the safe guarding issues could be looked into.

The details are complex as he made his first recent contact direct with my DS and this scared him, he then tried to do it again and the police were involved.

I will be honest and say I feel his motivations are not sincere and it is only since the CSA have taken legal action against him that he has made contact (they have been involved for over three years) - but I am also willing to put that to one side to take contact forward and see if he really does want it.

Despite documentation from the CSA which claims my exp has always and continues you say he is not the FOB he has put in his court application statement that it was myself who told him he was not the father, which is not true. This gives me the added problem.

I think that to take contact forward with someone my DS does not know and I know little about (we live far apart and I have not spoken to him for over 7 years) it would help my DS to maybe start with letters and maybe a phone call - but I am concerned that if he continues to state his reason for not being around as me having told him he wasn't the father, this could cause a great deal of damage and confusion for my DS. And even if he does not bring the subject up and I pretty sure that even if not now my DS will ask him where he has been at some point.

I have correspondence dating right back to my pregnancy to present day which clearly shows I say he is the father - some of these are letters relating to DV which is the real reason our relationship ended and then he disappeared. Family and friends who lived through this at the time are astounded. He has also asked for PR which I didn't think he could have because he doesn't know my DS but I have been told he may get this. Please help, I am struggling to find any support on line for this type of situation it all seems general and when parents have just separated and the child did know the NRP at some point at least. I just want to do the right things for my DS to continue the happy life he has had.

familylives.org.uk/

These people were helpful in supporting me thinking/talking through problems with contact, parenting and talking to children.

The correspondence that you have is admissible in court to show that you did not tell your ex that he was not your son's father. And his false claims will not act in his favour as he seeks contact.

Any contact with your son's father will be for your son's sake not your ex's and CAFCASS will be looking at it from his point of view not his parent's. In a similar situation with a friend of mine the court will took notice of his absence over the last 7 years, and having assessed the safeguarding issues set a timetable of graduated contact starting with indirect contact (letters/birthday cards) and moving to short regular supervised contact at a contact centre (properly directly supervised) only when he had jumped through these hoops was direct, unsupervised contact to be thought about. He never made it through the first stage. Be reassured that they will be looking for evidence of ongoing commitment and responsible parenting towards your son before he has to deal with his father.

Parental responsibility may be granted as he is your son's father and (??sadly) it does not require a demonstration of ability to parent. However as the resident parent you continue to have the right to protect and care for your child.

Sorry the above sounds rather cold and matte of fact...when I am sure you feel wobbly and emotionally drained. i do hope that it works out for the best for both you and your DS.

Thanks Foolonthehill it does offer some reassurance and the link is very useful I was not aware of the organisation. I am sorry to hear your friend has been through something similar but it sounds like her exp has demonstrated he doesn't really want to be involved. You know yourself how difficult being a lone parent can be at times anyway. This is emotionally draining but I guess I will have to do what I have always done and care and support my DS on ever level through all this and that is works out ok for my DS.

Yes, love care and support. My friend was lucky, I think, that her ex disappeared again (not that uncommon) I still have the pleasure of the courts to come as my NSDH has not seen our DCs for a year except via skype.

If/when your son does meet his father don;t be shy about getting support for him via family therapy if you think he needs it. Of course he is growing up and as time passes his opinion will be given more and more weight.

I am sure you are a great mum...just keep talking with your DS and make as many great memories as you can...they are food for the soul for you and him!

Thanks again fool, I am also sorry you are still going through the court system. I believe it can drag on for ages and that is another concern, as I want my DS to just be able to enjoy his childhood. But a good point about him getting older that is the plus of the time this will take.
When he made direct contact with my DS school noticed a change in behaviour and they are aware of the situation fully now and are speaking to the school councillor about help for him. They are being very supportive to me and my DS which is a plus. Sometimes when you are faced with one person behaving so badly you forget that out there are many wonderful people - thank you, I need to focus on that.