Ex choosing shift work - access???

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Hi lovelies,

I'm not actually a lone parent anymore (didn't want to mislead!) but was when I had DS & hoped some others with ExP issues may be able to advise.

Ex & I have managed fairly well with shared access up until now. DS is 4 and ExP has VERY odd days off but because they're regular & I could make nursery days fit, we've managed an overnight each week. We live 2 hours away so it has meant a lot of effort on everybodys parts but that's fine & it's Beene equal.

Issue = DS starts school next year. Standard practice = alternative weekends which is what I've been building up to & got head around. Now ExP has suddenly announced they're considering changing jobs to one which would involve irregular shift work ready for when DS starts school.

How can this possibly work with schooling, consistency etc? The situation as it stands is far from ideal - ExPs weird days off are such that they'd never get a complete weekend once on alternatives so I do sympathise. All I want is for DS to have regular, consistent contact with father without any full custody battles or crazy life altering routines. Does anyone have experience of access issues & shift work?

It takes a lot of exinolity on your part, combined with his willingness to share his shift pattern so you can both plan in advance the contact that will work. I'm in the position of never knowing when my ex is working his odd shifts, because he refuses to tell me, even though I know he knows months in advance what shift he's on and what days off he has. The distance might make it more difficult but with forward planning and good communication between you then there isn't reason it can't work. Good luck.

Eh? That should be flexibility. Bloody iPhone!

Thanks buncha are your children school age? (I suppose without the distance it wouldn't matter but ExP can't possibly get DS to school on a Monday). And do they get confused without a regular consistent routine or have they been ok?

Hi, my DD is 7, so primary 3, and it's always been this way since we split. Ex hasn't ever been 'hands on' so all organising and responsibility has fallen to me. DD hasn't really known any different, she never asks when she's seeing her dad, just enjoys it when it happens if that makes sense. I never tell her in advance, because I never know if he'll let her down or not, and always keep her busy in between contact so she doesn't have time to dwell on not seeing her dad. There are times he'll ask very last minute, and as long as we don't have plans then she sees him then too. Thats why I don't tell her as she's used to seeing her dad this way - not expecting it, but enjoying it when it happens. At the moment he's seeing her every other weekend, at best, with slightly longer gaps in between sometimes. I would have preferred to be more organised i.e. get notice of his shifts, then I could have a bit more of a life myself, but that won't happen so I just get on with it. It's not the best set up, but it works for my DD - I mention this as this is what it could be like if your ex doesn't communicate or co-operate, when it comes to planning in advance from his shift pattern when he can see your DS. That's why I think if you want to make this work, it's really important that your ex understands the importance of planning contact around his shifts, and sticking to plans, for the benefit of your DS (and you - it sucks not being able to plan social stuff in advance, and it's pretty hit and miss with friends for them being able to drop plans last minute etc.) as if that is what your DS knows and is used to, then to take that away would be more difficult for your DS. If you can start off 'singing from the same hymsheet' then that is the way to go. You just need to get your head around the fact you'll be the one having to adapt your life around his shift pattern for your DS's sake, and be the one having to be more flexible as a result. It's easier to adjust to this 'pattern' if that's something that you accept as opposed to focusing on the fact you are now living your life around someone else's shift pattern. The best way to deal with that is to have plenty of advance notice of the pattern, as you can then adapt better.

I hope it all works out - it's not easy working around this kind of thing, and takes a lot of compromise, mainly on your part, to make it work for your DS.