Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

health visitors just been and I told her almost everything!

19 replies

freemanbatch · 07/12/2012 14:55

DD2 two year check was due months ago but the HV came today to do it and no one had told her I'd split from DH or that it was DV related. I've attended clinics to get loan parent forms signed and he spoke to the doctor months ago about some of what he'd done to me and she was really upset that no one had passed anything on to her because she would have come to see me.

I told her everything, well as much of everything as I could with DD2 playing in the next room and its strange but finally telling someone, out loud which I haven't done before was really weird. I've never said the words before and it has kind of hit me hard in a way I wasn't expecting.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than I have no one else to speak to about it but I really just want to cry and hide away from the world again and that can't be good when I have to pick DD1 up in a minute.

HV is coming back in a fortnight to have another chat which is good I guess and she left me some numbers and stuff but I don't know I feel like I'm suddenly back at square one in my head even though I know telling people is a good thing.

sorry drivel, I'll go away now.

OP posts:
QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 07/12/2012 15:01

I'm sorry, sounds tough, but sometimes it is good to get it out

Pipsytwos · 07/12/2012 15:06

I'm really sorry to hear this. I really hope you're ok. Hearing it out loud from your own mouth must make you realise that you're amazing, you're a surviver not a victim. You're out of it, and I hope you're safe now! Talking about it is good I think

cestlavielife · 07/12/2012 15:09

yes it is good to express it; see if she can refer you to a counsellor to let it all out too .

chocoreturns · 07/12/2012 19:42

My health visitor was really super helpful in similar circumstances, she let me know about the local Freedom course running from my children's centre and suggested I go to the lone parents group there. I've met so many other people who have been through the various shades of DA and DV, and it's helped me to get a sense of reality and perspective about it all, as well as getting me support for legal/financial stuff. I'm sure your HV would be able to help get you linked in to your local service if you ask her - don't feel embarrassed or weird or upset (any more than you would naturally do anyway) about her knowing. She'll have seen it all before. And there are LOADS of people out there who will have been through if not the same then similar. The sooner you get on with your new life the sooner he will be ancient history :)

Feel free to PM me for online support if you like x

Original poster
freemanbatch · 07/12/2012 20:50

Thanks guys, I know its good to have told someone it just all hit a bit hard. A few hours of thinking about things and it all seems much more like a good thing.

I intend to take up any help she can give me and to move forward properly into a happier future.

Thanks again Smile

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 08/12/2012 21:55

good luck and keep posting

MN is great for support

Letsmakecookies · 09/12/2012 09:04

My GP offered to ask my HV to come and say hello recently, which she did and she was so lovely. She sat in my living room for an hour and a half, and listened and offered sensible advice. I think she was very used to meeting mothers who were now single parents trying to recover from very unhealthy relationships and rebuild their lives. She gave me the number of the local women's aid office and suggested that they had counselling services that have helped other women she knows, and that evening classes in assertiveness were something to think about.

To quote BT: it's good to talk. Smile

Original poster
freemanbatch · 11/12/2012 21:21

My health visitor came back to see me today, she'd thought about what we'd talked about and wanted to talk to me again while both kids were out so we had a much more complete conversation today and she did all her safeguarding assessments and discussed my arrangements for making sure the kids are as safe as possible when seeing their dad and that I'm not putting myself in harms way.

The fact that he comes here to put them to bed after contact was an issue for her as was the fact I haven't spoken to the police about the attempted rapes but other than that she was happy I was taking good care of the kids and had things in place the best I could.

Apparently she can see a really marked change in me from when she visited when DD2 was small and she thinks I've made the right decision because I seem so happy now.

She'll be back next week and probably again a few times in the new year so hopefully I'll still be meeting her requirements for safe guarding the kids then even if I still haven't decided it would be a good idea to speak to the police.

anyway its kind of nice to have had a real chat with someone about it all but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow!

OP posts:
DoubleYew · 11/12/2012 23:28

It is great that you are talking to her and that you seem happier.

Police should have officers specially trained to work with domestic abuse cases, you don't have to press charges (as I understood it when they came to see me), you can just tell them what has happened for the record, in case there are any more problems with him, it can be used as evidence. Women's Aid are really, really helpful to talk to as well. They can help to talk through what you can do about contact as they will have experience of helping women in similar situations.

blackeyedsusan · 12/12/2012 00:52

yes, I currently hate the head teacher and sometimes it makes me fell sick to talk to him... why? well we have had to have a couple of meetings recently to tlk about the effect of dvon the children... all the feelings are stirred back up and ae now associated with telling the head about the dv and having to tell the head the monday the children returned to school after we ran away in fear of our lives..

it is crap and another by product of dv. i hope you are feeling better soon and ae able to wok though those feelings and get help. it is a really difficult balancing act to let the children see their dad, whilst ensurring that they are protected and that you are protected.. it seems so simple from the outside... having to justify your decisions to other people is a nightmare.

seaofyou · 12/12/2012 01:22

Oh sounds horrendous! do you have to tell the HT Susan? It's stressful enough without having Professionals who have not the foggiest
I imagine school is a place of peaceand stability away from your ?ex (now) and therfore if doesn't effect school ie behaviour/ attendence I would not as sounds more stressful.

calamitySammy · 12/12/2012 23:08

Hi guys,

If you wanna talk to me been through similiar situation happy to help. Ex and I split 7 months ago after an awful relationship full of both verbal and physical abuse.
Can honestly say that going to the Freedom programme was brilliant, it provides a forum for you to talk about what you have been through and allows you to meet local women going through similiar stuff (stops the isolation/self blame/guilt/ am i over dramatising???). Also educates you on the abusers beliefs and tactics ensuring (hopefully) you can spot abusive tendancies in the future and therefor avoid future DV relationships. Its really hardwork, emotional but mostly rewarding. I find the other women at my group inspiring and can honestly say its helped me stay away from my ex and stay strong.
The group also has local and international contacts to ensure you and your children get support in any areas you think may need it including counselling and housing, benefits, legal etc.

I think talking about it is great, just remember you don't need to feel ashamed. You didn't deserve it. He's a knob lol!.

Hope that helps, good luck x

Letsmakecookies · 13/12/2012 09:45

Calamity what was the background of the women on the programme? I guess I am struggling with the idea of what point a dysfunctional and unhappy relationship becomes emotionally abusive? x

calamitySammy · 13/12/2012 18:50

I think its abusive if its unprovoked and unnecessary but thats just my opinion. The women are honestly from all walks of life. The women at the group I attend are very compassionate and supportive of one another. I knew it was abusive when he started name calling and being vicious verbally just because he could be, the physical stuff started later. It doesnt have to be physically abusive to be abusive and since we have split up I would say that the emotional abuse has been the hardest to move on from. Hope that in some way answers your question x

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 13/12/2012 18:57

We were from all walks of life on my Freedom Programme,we all swapped numbers, all very different ladies with one with in common. If you had told me on week one that by week 4 I would have been talking so openly within a group and without worrying I would a laughed at you... It's a great programme imo, sometimes draining but very worth it. Smile I may repeat some of what I missed.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 13/12/2012 18:59

Oh I just said much the same as calamity sorry Xmas Blush

calamitySammy · 13/12/2012 20:23

I missed some, will be going back too! :)

chocoreturns · 13/12/2012 20:27

I'm going back in Jan to start again because I joined half way through :) my Freedom group is trying to sort out a private playgroup for all the women who go in my area, so there's somewhere to socialise with our children without talking about everything all the time. It's a REALLY supportive and friendly group where I am, and I think it's well worth going if you can find your local one

Original poster
freemanbatch · 14/12/2012 10:33

I've got my GP appointment today so lots more talking about everything. I'll have DD2 with me so I'll have to be careful what I say but its another person who will know what's happened.

The only people left with no idea why we split up will be his family and friends then, friends that I thought were mine and his but apparently all think I was taking him for his money and am now simply fed up of him. I should say I am currently getting by on benefits and looking for work having not been allowed to work since the youngest was born, he is not a millionaire and it was his decision that I didn't work but it serves his cause to have people thinking I'm the one in the wrong in all this.

I might try the freedom programme in the new year it sounds like it might be useful for me in getting my life sorted and getting back to work Smile

Thanks for all the input guys its nice to know I'm not the only one who stutters along the way but that success is still possible Smile

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread