am i doing the right thing re: contact with father?

[VeryProbablyStupid]

Basic history.. Me and Exp had a crap relationship, we were just kids (21ish) and we on and off for 3 years, fighting etc all the time. I got pregnant, I broke up with him. He came to see DS the day he was born, said he was boring, and disappeared for a year. My whole family hate him and supported (pressured at times) my decision to ignore him completely the few times he got in touch. He then took me to court for access and was given 2 hours a week in contact centre. This then moved to an unsupervised play centre by my house. Thats been going on since about July/August.

The past month or so we have been getting on well, he comes round for a coffee if we have something to discuss when DS is in bed. Now, we have closed the court case as we would like to be mature and sensible and come to out own agreements. Plus he took a job with odd hours so its not practical to have a fixed time every week.

Today is the first day he has taken him from my house, out into the big bad world. Im fighting with myself, because I know I have to trust him with DS, and I do believe he loves him and will do his best to look out for him etc. But I am still sat here freaking out like what if something happens? Is this normal?

My family arent really aware that me and ExP talk, or that he comes over sometimes to talk, because I know they would give me grief. But the way I see it, if DS is happy, which he is, and he asks to see his daddy and happily goes with him, have I done the right thing allowing contact to increase and be free and out and about in normal places?

Im not sure what my question is really. I guess it comes down to the fact I have to trust ExP. Even though he was a shit boyfriend doesnt mean he will be a shit dad does it?

Oh, btw DS is 2.4

Yes you are doing the right thing. You've been treated poorly by your ex but that's separate from your DS's relationship with his dad and you are right to partition them out. Keep yourself busy today and keep moving forwards x

I understand how you're feeling. My situation was very similar. DD's dad left before she was born, chose to have nothing to do with her and then decided to swan back into her life when she was about 2.5. Almost four years down the line I know that facilitating him being a part of her life was the right thing to do. No matter how much I dislike him, no matter how much I loathe giving up my precious time with my daughter, no matter how much family despise him, I have absolutely no doubt that having a relationship with her dad is in her best interests.

You really are doing the right thing. I know it's hard, especially when you don't feel that your family would understand, but it isn't about them. It's about what is best for your child. I think you should be really proud of the way you are handling this, putting you child's needs first, being mature enough to find a way to have a civil relationship with your ex.

And yes, it is hard to hand your child over to another person. I remember all the anxiety I felt the first few times DD was in her dad's sole care. But it does get easier.

:) thanks

I am dancing round like a nutter to some loud music to take my mind of it. DSs dad just text to say they got where they were going ok, so I know he understands how I feel and he is being pretty good about making me feel assured.

We even came to a christmas agreement, but thats the thing my family will go mental about! But they cant fairly say his dad should never have him on xmas.

You are doing absolutely the right thing for your ds. Well done. So many women don't.

I hate handing my dcs over every other weekend to a man I don't trust. But he's their father, do I do it, and they love it. It's all about the children.

:)

VeryProbablyStupid

I think you need to change your name :o

You're not stupid. And it's a heartening tale you tell. I think really it sounds like Dad has matured a bit and is taking his responsibilities a bit more seriously and you've been mature enough to facilitate it.

And the only way he'll learn to look after dc is if you allow him to have dc of course, it sounds like you've done exactly the right thing.

Families can be quite unhelpful sometimes. My parents I think very much expected my ex to vanish from my kids life after we split. They think he's a twat and seem somewhat baffled that I am still on reasonble terms with him. Thankfully they've kept their views more or less to themselves - my kids don't realise and ex is quite unaware what they say about him!

I think you're doing the right thing. You're right that being a shit boyfriend doesn't necessarily make him a shit dad. And like you say, he was very young then so maybe he's growing up now. If you can manage to be on friendly terms with him there are so many benefits - for your DS especially, but also for you - some time off being a full time mum and knowing there's someone else who cares about your DS. Good luck

Your feelings are perfectly normal, and your ex is being quite mature about this too, realising that you need that reassurance. That's all good sings, for both of you, and will be such a great thing for your DS as he gets older. When the time comes, you need to explain to your family that your DS has the right to a relationship, irrespective of the mistakes he's made in the past. When your DS is old enough to ask, you want to be able to tell him you did everything you could to make sure they had a chance to have a relationship. You are doing everything right IMO. Well done!

I had similar feelings when my ex took our DD abroad last year for the 1st time. As much as I knew he was capable of looking after her, and she'd have a ball, I was a nervous wreck in the lead up to them going, and couldn't wait for her to come back. But, come back she did, full of happy memories!