Custody

[Fall78]

I need some advice. I have two children with my ex we broke up when I was pregnant with the second and he denied he was the father until a court ordered DNA test proved he was. Since our eldest was a baby he has had me in court every year over custody. We were never married and never lived together but he was eventually granted shared custody where he has the children every second week from a Wednesday to a Sunday. This breaks my heart as they are 5 and 3 and complain that they miss me.

This week I got a solicitors letter saying he now wants a week on week off arrangement with the children. And if i don't agree he will bring me back to court. he also states that while he has the children if he has to go away for work he will leave them with his new girlfriend!For five years he has constantly brought me to court and he is never happy he has rang social services four times on me every time they have reported the children are healthy and happy. He just never stops but the courts allow him to do this. Has anyone any similar experiences? Would the court allow children to go for 7 days at a time?

I'm sorry you are finding the arrangement hard. I don't think you should worry about going to court and you certainly shouldn't be bullied by your ex into agreeing something you don't think is in the interests of the children. As far as the court and social services are concerned if allegations and applications are made they may need to be heard just in case there is something to them. There comes a point when it unsettling for children and the court may be persuaded to ban someone from making further applications without permission from the court.

When children are settled, surviving satisfactorily and the existing order is being complied with it's unlikely a court would disrupt the existing arrangement. Your ex would need to show a good reason to change something that was deemed to be in the interests of the children and is working alright.

Parents have equal Parental Responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities which means each parent can determine day-to-day stuff including delegating child care in "their" time. HOwever, above all arrangements need to be practical and if Parent A is regularly going to be unavailable and the Parent B is free to care for them Parent B is in a better position to meet the needs of the children.

My DH has 50 / 50 shared care of his daughter (6). She spends each Mon and Tues with her Mum, Wed and Thurs with her Dad and alternates the weekends (Fri - Mon).

If my DH was away though, he would give Mum the option of having his daughter instead of me which I think is entirely appropriate. I've been on the scene since my step-daughter was a baby and she knows me well / would happily stay with me but I do think if Dad's away and Mum's available, then she should be with Mum.

So what I'm saying is yes, I think a 50 / 50 split of care is a reasonable request. I don't think the 7 nights at a time thing is appropriate for such young children though and I don't think them being left with a 'new' girlfriend is particularly appropriate either.

I've got a friend who has kids the same as yours and her ex insisted on what your ex is asking for. She did agree to it but the kids find handover really hard and they are often left with their Dad's gfriend - actually she does the lion's share of the work relating to the kids as Dad works very long hours. My friend is regretting agreeing to it big time.