My sister cancelled babysitting tonight for some stupid reason. She has been messing me around and then when I called her to double check if she could still babysit tonight she started asking when I needed her (fair enough) and then when would I be back, and then that she had to collect her teenage daughter etc etc. So I just cancelled my only night out since me and my partner split five weeks ago. and I just looked at the dates he is seeing kids and for the whole of December he is only seeing them one weekend day and no nights or overnight stays (he is a shift worker). I can't afford a babysitter as have had to go onto benefits. I feel so let down, but mainly by my unsupportive family. I feel so alone and bad for my kids as they don't have a very kind and loving family on my side, yet they do on their daddy's side. I am also pretty certain my ex has moved on as he is making all the arrangements so that he can have maximum social time. But I don't think there is much I can do about this. I just get so worried at night that if my car broke down or I needed someone to look after the kids in an emergency I would have no-one to turn to. My mum died when I was little and my dad never was in my life really. I am trying to be strong and positive about things but sometimes I feel that I should have held onto my kids dad and tried to love him and respect him more. Now everything is on me and it feels too much. I was crying trying to bleed the f**king radiators last night. And when my ex says oh, you can go Christmas shopping when I have the kids I think 'with what buttons?'
I just keep wondering what I did to deserve this. The kids are with their dad today and instead of having a nice time and relaxing I am having a crappy time. I need to buck up but I don't know how I am going to manage alone. I do have friends but its not the same as family.