My ex really does not deserve his son.

[AGlassHalfEmptyNoLonger]

Ds just said to me "Sometimes I am really proud of my dad. He gives up his time with me to go to work and earn pennies for food"

The (recent) history
Ds has not seen his dad since February, bar dropping him a card and present for fathers day. Phone number was changed, facebook blocked. Then out of the blue I had a new facebook profile for him add me as a friend last week and on Monday I had a message asking if ex could see ds.

I arranged for them to have an hour together after school today before his dad went to work, as we were busy all weekend so it would be next weekend before ds could see his dad, and he has been asking when he can see him again. Then last night, I got a message cancelling today as he had to go into work early. Ex has a habit of crying wolf, so truth or not I don't know, all I knew is I would be dealing with a very sad son. Yet ds, after a few hours processing the change of information, comes out with the gem above.

I have managed to rearrange the weekend to give them time together on Sunday. Not for my ex, but for ds. It has meant changing pre-planned days out, and mucking around thankfully understanding family members.

Now I just need to see how long this wish for contact lasts. My bets are on the end of Jan/beginning of Feb. You know, just over the Christmas and Birthday season. Or maybe he's split up with his current flame, and is going to have contact before a new flame appears, I dunno. I just know it'll be me dealing with the fall out again! (sorry, rant over)

Mine doesn't either. I would not facilitate contact because for the life of me I can't see how a child being constantly let down and rejected can be good for them.

The fall out is awful and distressing. My ex isn't getting another chance unless he jumps through hoops my DS self esteem is more worth to me than pleasing some ex who just wants to dabble at parenting when they see fit.

Shit for you as well because it won't be until he is much older that he really sees what you did for him

PS I am in a grumpy and bitter mood tonight, sorry

Grumpy and bitter... hmm sounds familiar :)

Ds is 10. Since I split from his father when he was 2 1/2, this has been the way their relationship has gone. I haven't tried to facilitate contact in the least, I have given up. It was only because he contacted me asking for contact (he even said plz!!!!!) and more so because DS has been talking recently about wanting to see his dad that i have gone ahead and made arrangements. Doesnt help that DS is aspie, with other issues as well. He took the news tonight really well, although his behaviour has been a little off - nothing unexpected though.

I find it difficult to understand that "we were busy all weekend" to the point that your ex couldnt see him, when your DS is ten. Literally ALL weekend? From when DS finished school on Friday till bedtime on Sunday? Not even one hour?

She did though, my reading of the op is that she arranged an hour after school on Friday but the ex changed it, so she cancelled something on Sunday instead.

It sucks doesn't it? My xh stopped seeing dd for a few weeks when he got a new girlfriend. The every other weekend arrangement ground to a halt, he just announced he couldn't have her - and he didn't ring her either. It broke my heart on her behalf. It broke my heart for her too when he didn't bother buying her a birthday present and she remarked on it, and when he finally turned up to see her, with the gf and family in tow, introduced them and promptly announced that they were all off to the beach and that dd couldn't go as there wasn't room in the car . She cried her eyes out. Still brings a lump to my throat. I just don't understand it how they don't seem to think about how the children are feeling.

Normally, I have nothing planned on a weekend, bar homework after 3 on a Sunday, but I had planned with my auntie that we were going to spend the weekend going round a couple of hands on interactive museums. The tickets were only for that weekend, so we couldn't rearrange for another weekend. Ds also does his homework on Sunday afternoon/evening. That could have been moved, but his dad starts work at 5, so has to leave at 4. In the end we managed to do both museums on the one day, but it was the fact that yet again it was up to me to sort the problem out.

And yes, this is a long running issue. Since splitting when ds was 2.5, 8 years ago, his dad has messed him around. He has done everything from weekly contact to no contact for 18 months!!! Most contact has been because I have pushed and pushed for contact to happen. Birthday presents, Christmas presents, even Easter eggs have failed to materialise from his dad for at least the past 3 years (I have actually lost track). When his dad remarried, he first of all only asked ds to be a pageboy when I asked if ds was invited (his other 5 children were all invited) - ex said he didnt think I would let him attend - I have never blocked contact. Oh and all the others travelled with his dad and new wife in the stretch limo to the reception, but there wasnt room for ds so e was taken by ex's friend in his car.

Since Feb this year, when he blocked me on facebook, changed his mobile number and dropped all contact, I have refused to do anything. I took ds round to drop off a fathers day present and card we made, because ds wanted to. I haven't asked about contact in any shape or form. This request for contact came out of the blue, and as ds has been wanting to see his dad, I organised it. Then yet again at the last minute his dad let him down. And on Saturday his behaviour was awful, for him. Answering back, arguing with his cousin, really off kilter for a normally very good natured young man.

Yet despite all this, he is still proud of his dad, cos his dad gives up time with ds to earn pennies for food. The one I am proud of is ds, for still being proud of his dad, no matter what.

Sorry, this turned into a rant. But I can't say anything to my ex, cos it all gets turned around into a poor him and how hard his life is. And then ds looses time with his dad as well. So I keep quiet, but have to let it all out sometimes.

Sorry, Lookingatclouds, I didnt answer your post. It really does suck, big time. I protected ds as much as I could, but the wedding day to the cake. There just doesnt seem to be any acknowledgement from these guys as to the fallout their behaviour has. It is almost as though they dont realise that the kids cannot differentiate between 'my daddy being my daddy' and 'my daddy being their daddy so he isnt actually my daddy at the moment'. I would love to see how their brains process these things, it has to be different to most people.

Yeh, I'd love to see or understand that too. My dd is really struggling with a new little girl living in what was her bedroom, and two girls living with her Dad full time. He just won't acknowledge that any of her upset is caused by him, apparently it's all words that I am putting into her head .

Just like ds wetting himself had nothing to do with seeing his dad. the fact that it happened consistently 10 days after seeing him meant nothing, it was too long after so had no connection (at that point ds was seeing his dad every 2-3 weeks, and it was consistent. As were the night terrors about 4 days after seeing his dad)

How old is your dd? It must be really hard for her to see other children in her room and with her dad. I can't really advise because I dont think ds has realised the implications of his dad living with another family.