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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What would you do?? Honestly!!

22 replies

essbee · 07/04/2006 16:48

As some of you might know i've recently moved miles away from my ex and got my own house (although we split up over 2 yr ago).

Anyway... my dilemma..
I've been asking my x to come down to see the children for ages and he's already cancelled twice. He decided a week or so ago that he would be coming down and staying in my house for a weekend at the end of the Easter Hols. I told him that he could come down and visit anytime but not that weekend as I had friends staying. I also told he he would not be staying in my house but he'd have to find a b&b. Apparently i'm totally unreasonable and he's refusing to back down (although he did briefly say he'd stay in a b&b), he's even c alled it "child cruelty"!! He's 'asked' several times since and each time i've told him that we are busy and that he cannot see any of us that weekend (he also has asked to just take ds out when he comes down next but wont tell me why which I find very odd esp since ds is very challenging).

He's now told me that I have to left him see ds that weekend or he'll stop maintenance payments. He's also said that he WILL be seeing ds that weekend whther I like it or not.

Part of me is now tempted to let him see him t o end the matter and I guess it doesn't really matter that much that I have friends down (altho he still couldn't and will never stay here). Part of me though thinks this is just giving in to his bullying tactics and that I have to stick to my guns. The other part of me is deeply concorned what he's actually going to do/try/.

I should also mention that the other day he actually spoke to ds on the phone and asked him to choose between seeing myself and my friends t hat weekend or him. Unsurprisingly he was confused and upset after. I am still livid with him for this. If it was up to me i'd never see him again.

Sorry this is a bit rambly, I hope it makes sense. My ds is losing it near me as I type this.

OP posts:

winnie · 07/04/2006 17:08

Esbee, please do not give in. He is being a bully and if you give in now it will never stop.

You are being reasonable. You've said he can see the children at another time. Don't let him stay in your house either if it doesn't suit you. Why should he? He is the one being cruel, not you.

As for child support, do you get it through the csa?

winnie · 07/04/2006 17:09

Do you have a written & signed agreement about access?

Auntymandy · 07/04/2006 17:13

can you not agree a time over that weekend when he could see DS?

moono · 07/04/2006 17:33

Keep a running diary of every conversation you have and every access visit, even if things go well.

If you have been accommodating to him and he has twice cancelled then tbh that is his problem. You have your life and cannot nor should not change it to fit around him being fickle.

Stick to your guns - well that's what I'd do if it were me in your position. He has no right btw to threaten to stop maintenance payments under any circumstances and if he does it will reflect very badly on him. If it wouldn't disrupt your plans too much then would it be possible for him to see them at some time over the weekend you have friends staying? If not, then stand your ground and say he can have access at another time.

Original poster

essbee · 07/04/2006 17:47

He pays me directly not through the csa and no, we don't have a signed agreement over access except in our consent order which states that we have agreed it (altho I will check the exact wording).

Fantastic idea about keeping a diary, someone mentioned that to me ages ago and I totally forgot. I'm going to start it now.

No, it wouldn't be a total pain if he did come down but it would have to be for the weekend as he's 200 miles away. He will know he's 'won' though, but then again i'm more than sick of battles.

So, so far 1 for no and 2 for giving in?

Thanks.

OP posts:

colditz · 07/04/2006 17:50

I say stick to your guns. he's being an arsehole.

colditz · 07/04/2006 17:50

Alledgedly

moono · 07/04/2006 17:56

essbee - when I was going through my divorce some years back, I kept a diary (still have it in te back of my wardrobe somewhere). It detailed every single phone call, visit and no-show over a period of about a year. It was invaluable when it came to court proceedings as there was no way I would have been able to remember it all off the top of my head. It also helps when you need to remind your ex of something they have conveniently forgotten about!

Just out of interest - if you put your foot down and said no to him coming on that weekend - when would the next chance be for him to see your ds?

Original poster

essbee · 07/04/2006 17:56

No alledgly, he is an arsehole!

2 vs 2 now. Hmm...

OP posts:

Original poster

essbee · 07/04/2006 17:58

Moono - he's saying he's busy until late May but we are free any other weekend this year!!!!

I will def start the diary .

OP posts:

serenity · 07/04/2006 17:58

The problem is that if you give in to his (unreasonable imo) demands now, will it not set a precedent? Everytime you disagree he's going to know that all he has to do is threaten you financially and he'll get his own way. I can understand why you are concerned about what he might do though, but he's quite sly iirc, would he 'play up' in front of your friends? Have you got anyone down there who can support you if he does turn up?

For what it's worth I think you are being more than reasonable, I remember your original threads about this scum sucking bottom feeder and noone would ever expect you to have him in your house at all, never mind overnight.

Kathlean · 07/04/2006 17:59

Not been in your position but if it were me no.

And no way would he stay at my place either.

moono · 07/04/2006 18:01

I suspect he is being an arsehole then essbee, in which case I would stick to my guns! If you have given him the choice of weekends and he has picked the only one where your friends are staying, then he is being difficult imo. Don't give in.

Original poster

essbee · 07/04/2006 18:20

Thanks, ok I think I'll stick to my no. Serenity, I thnk you're completely right that it'll set a precedence if I back down. If he were a child I wouldn't even be asking your advice, it's only because he's a sly, manipulative arse of a bully that I am. Why do I still long for things to be different...

The friends staying are mts and her crew!

OP posts:

moono · 07/04/2006 18:22

As with a child, essbee, things will be different one day. It takes years for kids to learn everything we teach them. Seems like your ex will take his time too, but he will one day learn that you will not tolerate being bullied like this and then he won't even try it on!

Beetroot · 07/04/2006 18:25

i would say that if that really is the only weekend he can make then you will rearrange your time so that he can see both kids for a couple of hours (choose when suits you most) Then get him to agree 6 months in advance al access, and make it clear that you will not adapt around his social life again. You are doing this as a one off. He can do the trip in the day, it is not that far..

edam · 07/04/2006 18:34

Essbee, IIRC your ex has always been a bully, right? Sounds like he is still trying to bully you. Stick to your guns and definitely do NOT let him stay over.

jmg1 · 07/04/2006 18:46

Imaybe you could negotiate with him about that weekend: the time he can come ad how long he can see the kids. If he does not want to stay in B&B he can drive home in the evening.

That way you are not backing down but the kids get to see their Dad.

Original poster

essbee · 08/04/2006 12:21

Yes he's always been a bully..

I'm about to brave calling him to try and negotiate. I think that's an excellent idea about making it clear that I wont move around his social life again if I let him interrupt our plans for that weekend and that I want to set our our schedule for (at least) the next 3m. It will also be to see both children and not favouring one.

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

essbee · 08/04/2006 12:29

Had to leave a message!!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 08/04/2006 13:35

Essbee, I don't think he can say he won't pay maintenance because he's denied access. He HAS to pay maintenance, access is a separate issue.

purina · 09/04/2006 11:23

don't phone put it all in writing

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