How to tell a 3 year 11 month year old you are seperating... help

[FionaLBE]

Dear all,

My husband and I are seperating.

At present we are still leaving together and even sleeping in the same bed. Sometimes I sleep on the sofa but I can't hear my (our) dd if I am downstairs if she wakes. Also it is not comfortable.

I am continuing to do "everything" as usual, as until things are sorted and I have somewhere to take my dd I want to keep things "normal" for her.

Also I can't afford rent and half the mortgage. Also don't want to leave and then not be taking responsibility for house here and risk loosing any rights to this house.

Obviously all this means husband doesn't have much motivation to sort things (I am waiting for him to sort his year end, he is self employed, so we can sort him buying me out). There is the dead line of 31st January for tax so it isn't endless. Now I have written info from Solicitor I also have that to back me up, that it is better (financially for him) we do things ourselves than I resort to Solicitor... Sorry I digress.

So how do we tell dd? At present will tell her when she and I move out. But what is the best way. OH is not around much so it will not be too abnormal for her if it is just her and me. Friends have moved and so she is desperate for a new bedroom. Superficial I know, but it is more the fact she is aware of moving and to her the concept is exciting not the end of the world. She and I will be able to do more normal stuff together at w/e's if I am not racing round for him so it should be better. She and he do have a great time together if I am at work at the w/e, 1-2x/month, so that will hopefully carry on as he will want to see her. So all that is postive.... But HOW do we do it?

I got some leaflets from the surestart centre the other day. Someone there suggested Relate as they have services for kids and might help us find a good way to do it. But we tried Relate and his opinion was that it was "run by middle aged man hating hippies", so I am not sure that he will be keen on that option.

All ideas would be welcome.

Hey. I have a dd and a ds, 6 and 8 now, but were 5 and 7 at the time I separated from their father. It was left to me to explain. I had a surprisingly easy chat each time, over the first couple of months - I found it best to always be honest, but on a level that the child can process -ie, age appropriate. I told my 2 that mummy and daddy were not best friends any more, but we loved them both dearly. My son actually related it to him and his mate - he said, "yes I know what you mean mummy, xxxxx and I get like that before the holidays, and we just need to have space away from each other..." I was gob smacked at how smoothly it went. I have always made sure I say nice things and respectful things about my ex, as I can rant and rave to my friends. Mine are older than yours therefore even more aware so some moments have been hard, new questions arise. I have talked about my parents separation and their unhappiness as a couple, and how they deserved happiness for themselves as we all do. Keep repeating how much you love your child. Try not to be argumentative in front of her (impossible at times) I always said to my ex that I would never get in the way of him coming over every night in the early days- I left him and he didn't want to separate so it very emotionally charged for a while, and he had a lot of hostility/anger towards me. It is the biggest east roller coaster I have ever been met with, but I find it helps always being the one to be an adult, olive branch and talk with reason, and be rational. It pays off in the end, even after the blasphemy, hanging up and walking off etc. 3 weeks ago we went to court which finally lead him to calm down and be realistic, and we talked together for 3 hours, with a kindness of voice that I hadn't seen for 2 years. I think we have a good chance of being friends going forward, and therefore being able to co parent as best we can with a united front, keeping communication channels open, and therefore giving the children the best possible remedy for this painful life wound....

I hope I have helped and not bogged you down with too much crap about me!

X

my ds is ten so much older. But like previous poster I too have gone down the totally honest route by saying that we just don't love each other in the same way any more, and compared to his friend's parents who split up but lived close together so that the dc could see both parents as and when.

We too are still living under the same roof but it's been made slightly easier by the fact that I moved into the spare room in August so DS already had the fact we weren't sleeping together to go on iyswim. He has been remarkably adult about it, and I've taken him to see the house that me and him will be moving to (dh is buying me out). Obviously we have the actual moving too contend with and I am prepared for more emotion then, but we have both been entirely honest with ds and have tried to remain friends and not argue within earshot...

Good luck.

Just to add, we told ds sooner rather than later because DH went to stay with ILs in half term and we didn't want to lie to him as to why I didn't go so thought it was the right time.

Thank you for both for your experiences - monkeychops, you have not bogged me down with "crap about you", other peoples experiences are really helping. I am also doing the leaving. I am doing it in part for my daughter although he can not see that, to him the best place for her is all of us together. When we don't get on and at nearly 4 we can't have friends round as the environment is not "safe" (long story but a garden full of bits of car is not great for a kid to run round when metal sticks out at her eye level, and I can go on) and his work is unreliable "it will get better", but it hasn't for the 9 years we have been together and I can't hold things together and stay sane any longer. It's all more complicated than that as these things always are, well anyway....

I have been going for the not telling her till we move, I hope in the new year. He won't tell his parents and unless we see them over Christmas then it won't be an issue. I am actually worried she will end up telling them in the spring sometime when she and Matt go to stay and she talks about "two homes".
He works away a bit and when he is not around she doesn't like to talk to him on the phone and even when he is back likes me to do everything. So despite what is going on I make sure I always talk about how important he is, how much he loves her, all the things he does for her. He might be "chaotic", but on a playing level he is great with her.

I also thought suggesting he is welcome to cover every night he wants to do stories and things would be a good idea too.
I am hoping to avoid court etc. Having been to a solicitor it would be much better for him if we work things out sensibly together.... Hoping to have that conversation this weekend, perhaps it's time to start looking at how we talk to E together too and no worry about it alone.

how will it work when he has to visit if his garden is unsafe? (and you imply he doesnt care that much about it being unsafe?)

aside from that - honesty at simple levlel -
state the facts. "we not going to live with daddy any more but you will see him on xxxday and xxday" is enough.

"we both love you but it is best we live separately. so we dont argue. you will get to see both of us"

Agh. Don't say that, my mum keeps saying that about the garden. OH's attitude is "darwin had a point", if you hurt yourself you will learn....

But I have stayed here all this time and I can't say she can't see her dad. She mostly lives on a trampoline in the garden so is safe in that, and I tend to take her to the park and keep her out of it unless I am playing with here and then clear a space.

I have to plan with him on him having her alternate w/e's or something else that is fair, but in the back of my mind I am worried that it may not work. He is really chaotic but love E, and plays with her brilliantly. He just doesn't seem to live in the same reality as the rest of us.

OH is a hoarder and I am worried without me it will escalate again. Not my worry purely, advice of a counsellor. She has suggested some scary things but I will cross that bridge if it happens. I can't stay here any longer to "look after" him and help him sort his life out. There are too many issues stopping him sorting it and while I am here he can carry on drifting. If he couldn't sort it for his daughter he will never sort it.

Agh. Sorry have got side tracked.

Telling my dd is scaring me. We haven't even discussed it yet. Again it is down to me to sort it, but it is important we do it together so she knows she is loved, but it is how to do it, I need to present an idea to OH. Honesty is the right thing, I guess it's working out whether to do it now or when we move out.