Reasonable contact arrangements

[mowmi]

Hello,
I will try and cut a long story short. Split with dh end of may ( history of aggression, childlike nasty behaviour, spending money we don't have, leaving me to earn most of the money, run the house, finances and do all the care of our DS)
He refuses to move out so we all live unhappily in the house together, he comes and goes has he pleases (sport, friends, online dating!) and i retain all the responsibility for our son etc...
He isn't working at the moment, I won't go in to the details but he's signed off sick and has been since end of August, my problems are:-

• He is now on ssp so earning nothing! He has no savings so no longer contributing to the house or for his son
• he is too ill to work but is ok to get on with the rest of his life (he's driven 300 miles today to go to an event!)
• isn't making any effort to get better (eating food which will have a negative direct result on his recovery and I found a letter today saying he'd missed a hospital appointment he's apparently been waiting for!)
• is being very bullish about having DS (aged 2) the last couple of Sundays despite being off during the week at the moment. which means I'm scared of making plans for the weekend in case he demands DS is available to him ( I was away a couple of weeks ago and demanded DS was back home by 10am Sunday)
• in the last 8 weeks he has picked DS up from nursery once, taken him swimming once (with a woman he met only 3 weeks ago!) and cancelled last Sunday due to a cold!

What is reasonable contact for an almost 3 year old for a very hands off father?
I feel it's unfair for him to now be dictating the weekends to me when that is my free time to spend with DS - DS is in nursery mon - thu so why can't he do his token swimming then?
He doesn't appear to have any intention of going back to work anytime soon but if he does he works every other weekend so this isn't sustainable anyway.

He's a bully and very verbally abusive in front of DS so I find it hard to stand up to him being in the same house!

Thanks for listening I know it's a ramble!

Sorry should add... I know DS needs a relationship with his father but I don't see why that should be at the expense of my all too precious time with him at the weekend when his father is sat in the house watching The Bill repeats and eating pringles all week!

What's the housing situation? Could you move out with DS?

I've tried the living with the ex thing, it's hell. Reasonable contact can be anything from v little to 50%, depends what he wants and you can agree between you, but should be agreed and not ad hoc.

I am taking him to court in feb to get the house transferred to me ( no equity, I can afford mortgage he can't) I've come this far, I'm not going to let it get repossessed now.

Also, he does and has done v little with DS since the day he was born (this isn't a new thing) even I know 50% isn't likely for such a hands off parent

(my) correction, he needs a relationship with a good father.

Good luck in Feb, I hope you get it and he is made to move out and stop taking the piss. Then you can see where the ground lies, he sounds pretty crap TBH .

Although if he is verbally abusive then I'd be off to the police and Womens Aid and get him out now. Living with that won't do either of you any good.

I'd ask him how much he wants, then offer up some sensible suggestion of a rota that gives him that. Every other sunday would seem a reasonable option, or every Sunday, if he's keen. 50% of weekend time with each parent is generally considered reasonable if both are capable. Plus whatever part of the weekday care he's up for comitting to, but from what you say, that's very little. Whatever amount you agree, he then has to stick to a routine that means everyone knows where they stand. It's not up to him to pick and choose which times he wants DS at short notice.

FWIW - my ex was similarly crap to how yours sounds during latter months we were together. He's not too bad these days though. Has them 2 nights a week and has never wanted any more.

Thanks everyone. It's living he'll...he lies constantly is absolutely vile to me whilst I pay and do everything!
His whole life is a weekend at the moment, just feels unfair he's taking my time away from DS when he can spend whatever time he wants - he chooses not to.

Also, I don't think he will commit to anything, it will impact to heavily on his freedom... He will just bully me in to handing him over when he feels like it.

You don't have to let him bully you into handing him over whenever he feels like it. You really don't.

You can't force him to have him when it's his turn, but you don't have to put your own life and plans on hold in case he feels like having DS at any other time.

Might be a bit easier once he's moved out, hopefully.

It doesn't feel like that, it's hard to be strong when I can't lock the door on him and it's all taking place in front of DS

I think our dh's may be related your situation is so like mine apart from my dh living a few hours away. It will improve once he's out of the house. I found all the talk about support and regular visits were just more lies. When he does visit he stays with us but I do manage to get on with housework - no danger of him helping - so that limits face to face time. He generally slumps on sofa and watches tv, very little interaction with dd. I think it's better that he's here rather than watching tv in a hotel room with dd getting bored. At least she has all her toys and easy access to me.

I was advised to make notes of any financial contributions he makes (largely blank page) and any failures to stick to agreed contact arrangements (plenty) as it would potentially help if we hit problems further down the line agreeing officially about contact. If he is like my dh it's a given that he won't make any notes or be able to prove anything he claims.

I find the worst bit is trying not to criticise dh. Although I can understand the logic it's very difficult when his flakiness stops us being able to do things and I'm the bad guy because I can't make it happen. Having to be the bigger person all the time is tough when none of the situation is of your choosing.

Hopefully your dh will eventually become a very small or non existent part of your life.

Thanks Duffy, I hope to see a day where he just lives somewhere else... it's truly awful.
I know what you mean, when DS asks about daddy I just tell him he's at work or football...
Thanks for the good advice, glad things have got better for you.

you need to get him out... or is there someplace you could go stay in the interim. ?

court will ask where he will live if there is no equity in house to buy him out etc - check out if he is on ssp etc wil he get housing benefit, be priority for housing? or has another property/friends? if he plays the "i am sick" card then court might take that into consideration as a vulnerable person - how will he be housed? though needs of child does take priority.

also be warned that court in feb might not be the end of this but just the beginning - it took about a year of court hearings to get an order for sale of joint property with my ex and it still hasnt happened for number of reasons (more to do with issues with lease of the flat etc) - but getting court order took ages and ages. i moved out with DC and rent.

are you divorcing?
or is different type of court hearing? (occupation order?)

He is on ssp no idea about housing benefit... He spends most nights away ( met a lady recently on zoosk)

I'm aware that if he won't co operate this will go on and on...

Yes divorcing...I'm worn out with it all

Could the court rule we all have to stay together if he's Ill? Omg... What use will that be? I'll have to leave the house, it will get reposessed and he'll be out anyway....

no they wouldnt do that - if you divorcing - but you would need to show why you and ds should stay in the house and he goes; and also the question might be asked as to where he will live...eg i provided court with particulars of one to two bed rental properties available locally for ex which at that time came within the LA HB allowance. (dont know if they would now tho)

it is different from the "norm" of working husband moves out and funds the SAHM to stay in the former marital home... but your sol should put forward the case that you can take on the mortgage (have you got confirmaiton of this from the bank? will you be able to take ex off the mortgage? even if he retains an interest in the property should puld it go into positive equity?) and he cannot so it makes sense for you to stay in the FMH. (heck i am kinda funding my exp who is not working to stay in the fmh -it is all very perverse)

find out on LA website what he could get in hb and look up properties to rent on findaproperty etc - and present that as well - make it a clear case that there is absolutely no reason why he cant move out and live elsewhere.

(and hopefully zoosk lady will take him on - if he staying there suggest he moves in with her right away !! )

its in the child's interests to stay in the FMH with you is the argument ...

Thanks for all the advice, bank have agreed in principle so should be able to do clean break, i earn more than him (if he ever gets his lazy arse back to work!) but there won't be anything left in the pot for him to claim against! Hopefully...

Thanks again

Good luck! Post an update to let us know how you get on.