Am I right to stop contact with ex?

[LilllyLovesLife]

Split with ex about 2.5 years ago now. He still doesn't pay proper mainetance, Very regually lets the kids (3 and 5) down, when he does turn up he is very late and often it's at a "Mutual meeting point" so me and the girls are stood out in the cold waiting for him, if he shows up.

When he does have them, he feeds them crap, lets them sleep on the way home (meaning for days they are out of routine, tired and grumpy), makes soo many false promises - i'm going to take you x y and z and has not once followed it through, usually resulting in me taking them so they are not as disapointed.

He hasn't seen them for about 6 weeks now. The girls have not asked to see him once. He phoned a couple of times but they didn't want to talk to him and I didn't force it (leading to me getting loads of nasty messages about how I must be telling the kids crap about him, which I have never or wouldn't ever do).

I have a new partner, who we are in the process of moving in with and I am expecting his baby. I feel there is enough going on in their little worlds right now without him keep letting them down. DD1 has told me on more than one occasion she wishes my partner was her Daddy (and he would love to be but didn't say that).

He asked to have them last weekend for the day and I said no because the kids were ill (Which is true, they had chicken pox and DD2 was very poorly with it). I then got threats that he would be turning up at my house sat morning to take them and would be stopping payments (which he doesn't pay anyway! Lol) if I didn't give them to him. We stayed somewhere else for the weekend, in case he did this as the kids wouldn't understand if he was outside shouting and I wouldn't let him in.

He has never wanted to have them over night (which I don't want anyway) because he is too selfish to give up a night out with his friends on a fri/sat night. He has done it a few times though and last time he did, he decided he wanted to go out, got the kids out of bed, and dropped them off (unannounced) at my parents house and told my Mum it was an emergency and I had told him that was OK (I didn't know anything about it).

The last couple of times he has had them, he has left them with his Mum and gone out with his friends/girlfriend. He hasn't even bothered with presents at last birthdays etc.

I could go on and on with lists of things he has done but it would be pages long and will get very boring. But what I want to know, is am I right to just say no more contact unless you get a solicitor and do it that way?

Thanks. Iv tried that and gone past it. We have had numerous agreed contact arrangements, like you mentioned, and he sticks to it for a couple of weeks and then it goes out the window. He doesn't want them weekly as it effects his social life too much. Fortnightly is the most he ever wanted even when he was being good. When the girls were both home all day I pushed and pushed for him to have regular contact, I think my judgement was clouded by the fact I was depressed and was so desperate for a break. But I am well past that now and can see that's selfish and it has to be about the kids. They are now at school DD1 full time and DD2 at nursery 3 hours a day and I miss them so much in the week and really don't want to waste my weekends with them being messed around with him. When they come back from his they are like different children - act like total little brats when usually they are as good as gold. So even if he has them for 1 day, it spoils the whole weekend as I am constantly battling with getting them back to their routine and normal behaviour.

The CSA have been trying to get money from him for well over 18 months. They finally got somewhere recently and started arranging payment (usually he leaves his job at this point so they have to start from scratch). But he is now contesting the payments as they are high due to back dated payments and basically doensn't want to be out of pocket. He lives with his Mum and has no outgoings other than phone contract and his social life. He pays no rent or bills.

I wouldn't stop contact, I'd try to continue it as much as you can and then when the girls are old enough they will make their own judgement on him.
At the moment they aren't old enough to make a decision about it, even if they wish your new partner was their dad, he isn't and never will be. You never know what the future will hold, in years to come you and him may split up and then they're left with no dad.

My DS's dad was always pretty unreliable but he seems to have stepped up to the mark more lately since my DP moved in and we've had a baby together, I think he realised for himself that if he didn't act more like a father then DS may see DP as his dad. So who knows, maybe your ex will have a wake up call once you've moved in with your new DP and had a baby.

PoppyPrincess - but how do I keep picking up the pieces? I am not talking about cancelling contact arrangement days before hand, I am talking about leaving them waiting by the door, coats and shoes on as he has told me he is on his way, and he doesn't come.

And promises that he makes to them that I usually end up doing. He promised them he would take them to Peppa Pig world, and they were soooo excited. And it didn't happen. So my partner ended up spending £500 or so on a weekend to Pepper pig world for her birthday. Where as we usually wouldn't of done that at all - for her birthday we usually just have people over and put our bouncy castle up in the garden or whatever and they are happy with that. But they were so over the moon happy when he told them they were going to Peppa pig world, we couldn't bear for them not to go. We haven't got stacks of money, and wouldn't of done it otherwise. We have annual passes to legoland and chessington through tesco clubcard so spending £500 on a theme park trip is rediculous.

Just like halloween. I don't like the whole trick or treat thing, but he promised them he would take them and they got all excited, told everybody possible they were going. And then he didn't do anything. So I took them. I just don't see why I should have to keep doing these things. I do LOADS of stuff with my children, and I am happy to, I love it but it shouldn't be because he promised them he would.

While we were out trick or treating, DD1 said "Daddy and Nanny, always forget things, but you and x don't" when I probed, it was about them saying they will do these things, as mentioned about (it's a regular thing, not just the 2 I mentioned)

I really feel for you, it is awful to watch your kids get disappointed.

But you need to think very carefully about stopping contact if you think it might lead to court - a contact order would bind you, not him - so you'd have to make the kids available for contact on set dates, but he wouldn't have to come (not fair but the reality of it).

Sadly, they will understand very quickly (and are clearly already beginning to) realise that they cannot rely on Daddy or Nanny. But if you stop contact, the danger is that they will start to blame themselves/fantasise about him. I think it is better to have sporadic contact than none.

If he lives with his mum could you make a fixed arrangement to drop the kids at hers every other Sunday - then you are more in control of it than he is?

Don't take them to things their dad has said he will take them to. If they ask you about it, tell them they'll have to talk to daddy abut it, but hey, WE are going to do X!

Set him up with weekly contact, nine till five on a Saturday, don't tell the kids. Tell him he has a twenty minute window, from nine until nine twenty, to pick them up from their home. After that, you are all going out. Before that, he will have to wait outside until nine. Send this in an email so you can prove to a solicitor or court that you have tried to continue contact.

Then sit back and watch him fail. Which he will. Then he'll cut his own contact, and it won't be your fault.

If you stop contact, your DC will not be able to make up their own mind that he is a waste of space, they may secretly wish to see him, imagine their father is someone very special and will one day turn up and take them all the places they want to go.

If he promises something like Pepper Pig World, you shouldn't be left feeling that you have to provide it if he doesn't. If it was me, I would tell them that you are really sorry that Daddy promised it and hasn't been able to do it but it is beyond your control. As hard as it is, they need to learn to cope and to learn that if something goes wrong you can't be expected to magic it right again all the time.

My DS is 7 and his father is equally unreliable. I know how tough it can be picking up the pieces. I make sure my DS is aware of what I promise and provide and that anything his father promises is up to his father to deliver and if it doesn't happen, he must speak with him about it. I encourage DS to tell his father how he feels, to tell him that he wants to see him and feels sad when he doesn't get to see him. His father promised him a DS for Christmas a few months back. I fully expect his father to either forget or get a shock at the price, an actual DS delivered to my DS for Christmas would be a huge shock to me. I have told my DS not to expect it and reminded him that his father can be a bit 'forgetful'. DS has decided for himself that Daddy is 'like Mr Forgetful'.

It works both ways though. My SCs mother would always promise things (holidays, days out, moving to a nicer/bigger house, taking them swimming) and they never ever materialised. I dont think you can do anything about that.

what you can do is not allow his unreliable behaviour to dictate your time though. If he says he is coming to meet them and doesnt turn up then just make sure their stuff is ready (as they dont do overnights with him, it cant be that much?) and if he turns up they go. If he doesnt (and you give him say half hour leeway) then you carry on and do somehting else. You'll need to explain that to him. In my opinion, not allowing contact because the children were ill is not reason enough. Also, he is entitled to do what he wants when they are with him. If that means they spend time with their grandma, that's ok too.

yep - 1. dont get them ready until he has arrived - make him wait outside while you spend the ten minutes getting them ready to go (but you can easily have a bag prepared anyway) .

1. if you can use his parents eg arrange set day they go to them and he can turn up nor not, that might work really well.

so they go to see grandparents - and if he turns up good if not good as they see grandparents .

1. dont spend £££ aking them to somewhere he promised! it is his problem and your problem is yes to start dealing with it and have them realise that dad's "promises" are dreams..

say oh well never mind, we will go to xxxx instead.

do build their hopes up for something he says.

eg you could say "well pp world is quite expensive but i am sure if dad has the money he will take you. if not then we will do xxxx"

1. if they ill but able to walk eg sore throat , notbad chicken pox he should still take them as a parent.

1. let him come outside and shout - as you can then call police to ge thim removed for disturbing the peace and harassing you - and it will go on record should it go to court .

ie stop trying to protect them from his ways or try and make out it not happening. his choice to behave like this - he faces consequences .

It's easy to say "let him do these things" But it's not really what's best for the kids though is it? Why should the kids listen to their Daddy band on the door shouting? They won't understand why I won't let him in and therefore they will think it's my fault? I don't see why either me or the kids should have to do that. I have no problem calling the police if he does it, I have a problem with it upsetting my kids though.

I don't really understand the whole "don't tell the kids" thing either TBH, although happy to have it explained to me. As much as it sounds good, the kids don't like having stuff strung on them and we always know what we are doing before we do it and are rarely just at home doing nothing. So if he does turn up, they wouldn't be very happy if I suddenly said "your off to Daddy's house for the day" when they expected to spend the day as a family, like we usually do at the weekend. I don't really see how this would be fair on the children to do this on a regular basis. I can see how it works out on days he doesn't turn up, but when he does, I can see it being me sending them off in tears because they expected to be at home/going out for the day with Mummy and my DP.

the problem is when you change your behaviour to be "nice" in order to stop him behaving badly... he choses to behave badly; his reaction is his problem (yes it is yours as well and i do get it having ad ex banging on door window etc - iot isnt nice...) but also you cant pretend that dad is fantastic and wonderful when there is evidence he behaves otherwise...

it is tricky about arrangements - i tended tonot plan or say what we would do if he didnt turn up but have a back up plan in mind.
so for dc they would know that today was a pretty boring day at hiome - then hey look dadhascome why dont you go out...
but if after given time he hasnt you can say hey why dont we go out to xxx ? as a surprise?

wont always work. that is a fact. you can also say honestly "well we are going to see if daddy comes but if he hasnt come by 1030 then we will see"

or try and make it that xxdayt is visit with granparents and if he comes there great and if not no worries

it isnt easy. it wont necessarily get better - someone once said to me -"but that is how exp is. he has always been like that, even when with you,.so you cant expect it to change. you have to find a way to live with it"

so long as you know which set days you have to deal with it, that can make it easier...