Anyone else alone with 4 dcs ?

[Gottabbrave]

Been nearly 2 weeks . The future feels scary it realy is just me .

me.
1 year now
one step at a time

Me.:-)been me nd kids for 10 years now.

How did you cope?

I wont lie,it was very tough,but we got thru it, as a team.:-)

Just muddling through.

mine are young and close together in age. I reckon this will probably be the hardest bit as I have to work, they are not at all independent and need lots of help with school work etc. (all primary), can't get themselves anywhere and I work in child care...oh yes and they have started going to bed later.......

Actually not doing that great at present..it's all a bit much, but the summer was great :) first holiday (camping) was a revelation...I think it's just a case of trying to make the most of the good things.

If you have parents/family who can help then ask for help (I haven't but have got better at asking friends occasionally...too independent for my own good). If you can possibly afford a cleaner then even if they only ever do the bathroom and hoover the stairs it will be a boon and make you feel like you're not always thinking about when you'll get to clean the loo... (I couldn't afford regular but saved for a month's worth at the beginning of the autumn term...just kept me on my feet)

people are always saying make/find time for yourself...I think it's good advice that I have not yet to managed to take, if it is possible to do something regularly it will remind you of who you are.

What you do, and how you do it will depend on you, your children's ages and your network. But I am sure that you will get through and you will thrive. One step at a time.

Gottabe brave,its still raw for you,your emotions will be all over the place, from your recent split.it will take a long time for you to adjust,but i can promise you ,u will come out stronger.big hugs 2 you.xx

Thanks for that info foolonthehill you sound a very strong woman and we can only ever do our best. Mine are 12,9,2 and 9 months , cant wait to get some me time... Eventually x

Thanks elliebellysi think its this toddler/ baby stage dragging and with older children its just relentless :( wouldnt give them back though love em to bits x

All mine were from 7 years down to 1 year old when i became a lone parent.it is exhausting both physically nd mentally..x

10,8,6,5 (look after 2,3 and 6months also).
It's crazy but for me I am in a better place than in my abusive relationship and the "D" H is not allowed contact.

One day i will have a life....until then there's MN!!

I feel like that too. Im in a better place I mean . I know its only been two wks since split but I havnt got to the grieving stage yet.. If there is one. I know how low and unhappy I was with this controling man but there are always good times and one day I may grieve for him properly or his good side at least. Its weird although im exhausted its so nice to do what I like instead of walking on eggshells.but when I look at my dcs I could just cry because I dont know how to play contact. How can I protect them from what I know he is if the law wont let me?

.

May I ask foolonthehill why your ex doesnt see his kids? And how did you decide ? Im sorry if I hit a nerve just trying to find out if im right if and only if I refuse contact x

Well, the law is letting me.
Get evidence where you can, talk to Young Minds about the children and get their taker www.youngminds.org.uk/ discuss with GP and consider family therapy. And take good advice before you get to court.

For yourself you will go up and down. At the beginning I was relieved, have had a few troughs along the way, grieved for what he would never have given me (and continue to). Kick myself for staying too long, and all the mistakes along the way.

But in the end we do our best and that will be good enough.

Thankyou I will definately google that!! God it must have been so tough for you the whole court thing. I dont think im strong enough for that. Ill be a blubbering wreck . I had the strength to end it but none to fight any more

My children were directly in the line of fire for his verbal and emotional abuse. To my shame I didn't really see what was going on until they had some pretty bad symptoms.

After I asked him to leave October last year i assumed that our "relationship problems" were the cause of his abuse to them and facilitated contact, how wrong I was. After 3 months it was obvious that he had no boundaries and no care for them. I stopped direct contact and set up a Skype account. They currently skype him weekly which he has accepted (but only because he thinks he's coming back). I am reconsidering this even as he is manipulative and abusive even via this medium and our family therapist is concerned that the leaps and strides the children have made are being subtly undone. It's a hard road and you can only do your best.

Some abusive men will stop their behaviour once out of the relationship, some will be manageable, others will do damage to their children. All we can do is get the best help we can, be the best parents and the most informed advocates that we can and become informed about the current research and discussions in the law...that and the best family lawyer you can find!

If you would like some links and info i can send them. but you are only just beginning. give yourself some time to see how you all are and what he wants as well (no point preparing for a fight he's not joining).

You don't have to do court straight away. I waited ages and still haven't served him the papers...............peace is worth a lot and I will have to fight hard when it comes to it.

Sometimes it's best to get it out of the way, other times waiting and watching. You don't have to do it all immediately.
But I would get legal advice soon so you know where you all stand.

Thankyou you have been so helpful . My ex did the same to my older 2 dcs( not his) verbal,shouting,belittling,sarcastic remarks that were supposed to be jokes. he never cheated but very subtly emplyed he didnt want me to go out with friends so I didnt for 4 years. I was and still am scared of him and his psycho face . I begged him to get help with anger issues but he thinks its me with the problem. Its like no empathy or remorse exists for this man its all about power, control and posessions. I remember nights of his conversations I was backed in a corner I knew whatever I said would be the wrong answer so I ran out the door 2 miles didnt stop running and then he was nice again. ive never been so scared of being hit. Sorry I vented a bit its still so raw how can I ever trust another man again im scared of my own shadow

the fear is so real...and i think I truly felt it's force once he's left. In fact I had full blown flash backs and panic attacks for a few weeks earlier this year....they too went. a sort of post traumatic stress i think..and also dreams...

Like the story...we can't go over it, we can't go under it we'll have to go through it...but on the other side is life in all its fullness.

With the DC: do talk to school to document what has been going on, be specific, ask them to watch out for changes in behaviours and to document well. Talk to your local refuge they may have some interventions that they can provide in school. have a look at women's aid website and especially show your DC the hideout it will help them process what they have been through and access support themselves also give them the number for childline 08001111 www.childline.org.uk/. Nearly all children self blame and having neutral people to talk to really helps them.

In my case I got social services involved, described the behaviours etc and they opened and closed a file. This means there is a record from BEFORE legal proceedings commence of my concerns and his history...thus CAFCASS have to access these and take them into account, not just my NSDH (not so dear husband's) view of himself as a parent and me as "mad".

My OH had a "psycho face" too...sends shivers down my spine just remembering. For this reason i will only communicate by non-direct means (text/email) and I NEVER reply immediately about anything. I always wait a few hours at least to take the heat out of the situation and assert my independence. he hated it at first and just plagued me with texts but over time he has realised he gets a quicker response if he leaves me alone (!!). I would never be this way normally but self -preservation is necessary.

Well done for reclaiming your life.
keep posting and please don't cover up for him, if people ask why you are apart tell them and take all the RL support you can.

Me too. I've been on my own since July 2011 since the youngest was 1. I won't deny it's been a hard slog and I get very down sometimes. My eldest is ADHD/asd too which brings its own challenges.

I make time for myself which I need, dd3 goes to nursery all day on a wed and I use that day for me whether I go swimming, see my friends or catch up on jobs that need doing.

I love it and I'm proud of my kids and of me too but the loneliness kicks in at times and its then I am at my lowest t

Thankyou for all your good advice ive taken it all on board. At the moment I have no spare time at all apart from now and again when they sleep at the same time. My baby is a very bad sleeper also so im so drained . It will all be worth it when all my 4 club together fo,

Sorry meant to say theyll club together for my retirement home:)