Should I push contact / maintenance now??

[Gottabbrave]

Hi some words of wisdom needed here if poss. I changed the locks and my ex p is gone coming up to 2 weeks now. During this time we have exchanged texts about his possessions and talked about various items he wants before he finally arranges a van . My dd 2 has been poorly with tonsilitus and his other child my ds just 9 months has also been poorly . To be honest he hasnt been that bothered with wanting to see them yet and has only asked about them once he seems to care more about getting back his rings etc, I just wondered whether he should b made to make a decision ie make one or I will go with gut and arrange contact centre access.. Or leave him to settle a bit. Also when do I bring maintenance up? he just wants to get at me and seems intent on pushing my buttons . Its about the kids though thats all that matters to me. Any advice appreciated. Thanks x

I would suggest every other saturday for contact and go to CSA for money through them.

Thanks ivykaty was gonna try and do a private arrangement with maintenance and at the end of the day I just want him to want to see his kids . I asked for his thoughts but he has no interest yet . Maybe hes mourning I dont know.

Is there any reason for the contact centre? Is he violent/dangerous?(Sorry if I have missed the back story)You can use the CSA calculator to work out what he should be paying if you know his income, that would be a good starting place for sorting out a private arrangement. And if things are still raw, communication by email is a good idea, then you have a record. Just keep it factual, business-like and brief, don't engage if he tries to wind you up.

Go through the CSA as if he decides to just not pay you it is enforceable. Even if it takes time to skip through all of the CSA process.

You must know what he earns etc or even be able to find his national insurance number etc to tell them.

Re contact -
Do you have any concerns for his ability to parent the children to warrent the use of a contact centre?

Gottabbrave

I can't see anything in your previous posts that justifies using a contact centre. It doesn't work like that. You need to have genuine provable concerns about the dc's welfare in his care.

Is he hands on ? Can he look after a 9 month old and a 2 year old on his own ? Does he have support from his family ? Is his home suitable etc.

If you've just ended a 4 year relationship things are going to be raw and will likely muddy the waters when it comes to the dc. That can be a major problem in getting to what is important. The children.

You should absolutely bring the subject of maintenance and access up and frame it in terms of what is best for the dc. But be prepared for the failed relationship to come into the conversation. Avoid it as much as you can.

Maintenance is easy to calculate, it's at least 15% of his net income and he either agrees or you go to the CSA.

Contact is more contentious especially with young children. I'd suggest you email him with what you think is fair but ask his his opinion on it and try and negotiate from there.

Thanks for all your replys. I will follow your advice and check his income and find out what im entitled to. With regards access there has been dv towards me mainly manipulation .emotional and anger problems. As yet none towards his dcs who are still v young. My older 2 children 9 and 12 have been verbally attacked belittled and put down (my dd hid under stairs scared as he shouted at my eldest) he is a v controling man who doesnt take kindly to back chat! will he be different with his own dcs when they can verbally fight back? I think he will and thats my fear .

He has no family support no. I dont know where he lives yet and im just weighing up do I allow him private access and let the dcs find out for themselves what hes like which would possibly damage them long term or am I doing right right to have his access monitored? And I dont want my kids to come to me in years to come and say you never gave me a chance to get to know my dad properly. I could cry with this decision to be honest. I just have to make the right decision. Its mentally crippling me .

I suggest the other thing you do is to log all this behaviour, keep any abusive messages / emails as they may become useful in the future. And if there's any form of violence call the police.

I don't think you can insist on having his access monitored unless you have evidence that he is a risk to the dc.

That said I don't think it's sensible to just hand over a 9 month old infant and a 2 year old unless you are confident he can look after them properly an keep them safe. But he's not going to gain that skill unless he has the dc. It's catch 22.

He has to show he's capable and that his home environment is child friendly and it would be unreasonable of him to demand this without some sort of demonstration of his ability and suitability of his home.

He is known to the police for previous dv against me! Surely thats enough. I just cannot condone handing them over to him even if he can physically take care of them but mentally he just wants to play games and will use them against me. Thanks for you replys I didnt realise I may not have a choice if I dont have hard evidence

I'm sorry, but from threads I've read dv against you does not affect his access to the dc :(

Thats so wrong. I think that should always be the mothers choice as she knows what best for her dcs. :(

I'd have to disagree with you there.

If you said resident carer instead of mother I might agree a bit more. But also there are some resident parents in situations different from yours who use their dc as pawns to vent their anger at XP's.

It's wicked and spiteful behaviour that leaves some parents and kids loosing a decent relationship. ( in the original meaning of the word )

Yes thats true. Im just sick of the "tar everyone with the same brush" system. Each case and individual should be taken on their own merit imo. We live in an age where everything needs physical proof. We have trained psychologists. Councilors who could judge an individuals situation and yeah some carers/ mothers whatever need help/ support/ judging harshly and critically whatever but any wiff of singlemumitusspongingoffthestate and we dont have 2 brain cells to rub together apparantly . Erm I think that was a rant :)