not coping very well with being a new single mum

[lizzie479]

I am a newly single SAHM and am not coping very well. I am starting to get angry at my unsupportive family who rarely check how I am doing or offer to help, my ex who seems to have moved on so quickly and easily, and the fact that I am now snookered! or that's how I feel. I worry about money. I feel guilty about not being happy about being stuck with the kids, and every day feels like groundhog day. Disciplining a three year old and coping with a destructive one year old who has wrecked the complete house by 9.30am is really draining me. I just want to have a lazy day today instead of running to pre-school, toddlers groups, park etc. But it seems like my toddler cannot cope with this. I now put him in his cot for the morning nap he dropped just to give me some time out. Why were my choices to stay in a crappy relationship or this? Had I have known this is how it would end I would not have had kids, its just too tough on my own. I feel like a dogsbody.

not being abolished altogether, just for certain areas of law. Also it will remain in place where there has been any domestic violence.

No advice other than to persevere, get out and meet people, enjoy the fun bits, look after yourself and try as hard as you can to be positive.

(but it is perfectly ok to feel fed up and sorry for yourself from time to time )
I think even in the best circumstances life with a young family can feel like groundhog day but it does get easier as the DC's get older. It is less tiring at the very least.
I hope you feel better soon. Good luck.

Hi ladies, thanks for all your helpful comments again. It's still a tough slog and I seem to be over reacting to the stuff the kids do and shouting at them which I rarely used to do (that was always ex's dept). I feel under so much pressure and its so easy to beat myself up about being more stressed but they are constantly around my feet. Of course this is what young kids do!
I do have some nice friends but am keeping so busy it is tiring! I have a friend coming around tonight and all I want to do is sleep.
ex has them tomorrow so can't wait for the break!
Time will tell if I have done the right thing for me and the kids. But any decision is better than no decision. Hopefully I will become more positive day by day (she says fingers crossed!) Ledkr, how did you manage to provide so well for your children without their dad helping out? You gave me the kick up the bottom I needed so thanks x

I think the pressure gets to you when you are the one making all the decision, worse when you don't have anyone to talk it through with.

I agree with previous poster who suggested making some new friends. If you have some friends who are not of the smug married sort, you may find some of the support that you are not getting from your family.

It's normal to resent those who might support you but don't, but you can't let the resentment take over or they have won!

Sorry, just was you have nice friends! Lean on them.

Read, not was

Arcadia thank goodness, I need a bloody interdict 2 weeks ago, but because some bastardone messed up my job in social work/services I have to rely on legal aid, they like you to write lots of shouty/warning letters before you get an interdict!

What is an interdict?

It's my solicitors word for an injunction - to remove the bad men from life? they come near you phone police they get locked up?

I am not divorced and have a pretty solid marriage, however, my husband works evenings and that leaves me alone with my kids and all the chores. I sometimes joke that I live like a single mother. It is hard, very hard, I find myself on the brink of a nervous breakdown almost every day. I totally understand you and I wish I can be there to help you guys, or at least give you a hug. My thoughts are with you and I am sure many of others as well. Do whatever you can to survive, do not think too much ahead, and take it one day at a time. It will pass someday. It must.

Thanks for all your comments. Thanks Ledkr for giving me a positive kick up the backside which Is what I needed. Stay strong ladies, you are doing a fantastic job. Lots of love to you all x

Liveoutloud you comments were so sweet. Yes I found it tough when I was in my relationship too as ex worked 60 hour weeks sometimes. And as another poster said the pressure to make all the decisions gets to you sometimes. Mind you I know my ex left all that to me anyway and I can tell he is now glad to be out of the pressure cooker that is a young family on a tight income. I'm glad you have a solid marriage live out loud. Please cherish it. I would give anything to have this one day. Lefmould you are right I should lean on friends more. They are being great but I don't want to bother them/depress them as they might get fed up ;)

I wanted to say that antidepressants don't have to be a permanent thing. I went on them for a while when I first split as I just wasn't coping. It made things possible and allowed me to put systems in place to move forward. I was off them again in less than a year, in a much much better position. Things aren't always rosy at the moment, but they feel more positive than not.

They may not be right for you, but they can help some people.

OK. It'll be all right. Here's what I do.

1. I work bang on 30 hours spread over 4 days. This means that I am entitled to maximum workng tax credits, as there is a 30 huor element. Its hard, but I manage.

1. My son's nursery has a "full time monthly rate" which is slightly lower than paying for 4.5 days, in fact. I pay this, and on a friday (my day off) I volunteer for an hour and train for 2 hours.

1. Weekly - I work 10-5 Mon-Thursday

I train muay thai 4 times a week (at 07:45am-0930am on tuesday and wednesday before work, at 13:30-15:15 on Friday and at 12:30-14:00 (ish) on Saturday (I take my son with me on saturday - he has a nap at this time). This is vital - its something useful I do for myself and is my "me-time".

Fridays we spend the morning relaxing and playing at home, Friday afternoons similar.

On Saturday mornings I take my son swimming for an hour or so and to the park. Then we head down to my gym where I'll play with him for 40 mins or so before his snooze (my gym has a parkour area with tyres, steps etc that he likes to clamber on, sometimes he just runs around the mats/ring giggling) Then he has a sleep. I always take a packed lunch for him too. On a Saturday afternoon we go to the park, out for afternoon tea, to a museum, something.

Sundays we get up late and have "brunch" together (eggs, toast, tea, fruit) or sometimes if feeling flush we go out for brunch (depends on cash obviously but can be done for about 7 quid) Sunday afternoons sometimes we go and see my parents sometimes or friends, go to events, again, museums, supermarket trip together (he likes to push the basket around etc so this can stretch over hours!!) etc etc.

If I'm exhausted after work and can afford it, sometimes we go out for tea.

You may notice from this there is little to no social contact with friends in this schedule. I'm working on this - but my son is 20 months and I have no real babysitting network. (have not had a night out at all yet)

The other thing I do to make it manageable is I pay for my laundry to be done. This costs around 30 per month and buys me shitloads of time.

I don't drink alchohol at all - which frees up cash I think!

There are tough times, but its workable. Defniintely easier when you work, definitely easier when you carve out time for yourself even if that involves getting up at stupid o'clock twice a week

Hope that helped.

wow, u are inspiring Onion! What an amazing schedule! I'm going to copy u I think and get my own one in order. Thanks for sharing.
And that gym sounds fan too.

I cannot recommend training in a martial art enough for women (obviously I think muay thai is the best by miles, is awesome etc but there are loads of good ones, wing chun, jiu-jitsu, tae kwon do, krav maga etc etc) It helps with

1. Self esteem (knowing you can handle yourself if necessary and also many martial arts teachers focus heavily on mental strength (mine had me repeating "I deserve to be happy" into a mirror 50 times a day at first - it worked)
2. Maintaining calm in all situations (very handy when you have a toddler!)
3. Physical fitness (obviously!)
4. It is a sport which is addictive - which keeps you motivated to keep doing it.
5. It is a double protector against abusive relationships I am hoping thinking - 1 you know how to defend yourself physically and 2. Men who are abusive don´t want someone who they think can potentially knock them out even if maybe they are not trained enough for that yet they´ll never be quite sure so if in the first r second date when the chat comes to "what are your hobbies?" and you answer "Krav Maga" (for example) there´s a good chance you are putting out the message that you are not a good candidate for a spot of future domestic abuse.

sorry, forgot to start that message with "thanks" PleaseLetsGoToSleep and asking where you are based in case I can recommend a good gym for you :)

Are you allowed to use these arts on men? This is one of the reasons I haven't taken up any. I know that sounds terrible but I sleep with a baseball beside my bed right now.

I train mostly with men (there's one other girl - she's been doing it years and is a million times better than me - one day I hope I'll be as good as her but I'm a long way ooff!) , and was very clear when I started that one of the reasons I wanted to learn was that I had been in an abusive relationship (2 actually - 1 physical, on emotional)and also been mugged in the past and wanted to ensure that I could defend myself and retaliate if necessary. AGAINST MEN. (having only ever been physically attacked by.....you guessed it...men).

Many martial arts are designed with the idea being that you can defend yourself against an opponent of any size.

Now obviously you can't go around just attacking random men just because you know how (!)

But it might reduce the feeling of needing to keep a baseball bat by your bed.

Yes, that sounds good, I have been to a few classes but sadly they are all full of children I may see what's on at my local leisure center, I have an abusive ex, he likes to threaten me, obviously I don't want to learn how to fight and go looking for him but it may give me more confidence, as he also has an abusive girlfriend, as individuals they don't scare me but together they do.

My children are also worried I may get killed I would like to show them I can protect myself, without a baseball bat.

Ironically the few times I have been scared, I have completely forgot about the baseball bat and just ran to the door.

I would DEFINITELY recommend going to a specific martial arts or boxing gym and NOT your local leisure centre. You will get better tuition from people who are truly dedicated to martial arts, as opposed to generic leisure centre teachers who know a bit. I doubt you will get the same level of commitment at a local leisure centre, nor the same sense of community. Also, its cheaper, usually, believe it or not!

Especially if you are based in the north of england, guaranteed there´ll be local martial arts classes. Proper ones. :)

I've been thinking about it aswell since ur post Onion, I'm not sure there are any martial arts gyms near me. I live near Peterborough.