how many new gfs is reasonable for my ds to be subjected to?

[oscarthegrouch]

ds is 6, exp has a new gf. this is the 6th one within a year and ds has met them all, infact they stay over when ds is in his care. he's only been split up from the last one for a month.

Am I overreacting thinking that ds is going to be severely effed up by all this instability? and can I do anything about it?

Best thing you can do is to provide a stable consistency in DS's life and teach him about relationships. You can't stop your EXP doing this.

I feel like im on an uphill battle with all this

There's probably not much you can do about it unless your ex is prepared to listen to you if you ask him to keep them at a bit more of a distance for longer. I'm assuming as you say it's an uphill battle that he probably isn't.

But your DS will only be badly affected if he gets close to the GFs and assumes they're going to stay around. With that sort of track record, your DS is probably old enough to figure out not to. I'd focus on helping him to understand that these girlfriends may come and go, but that you, and his dad, hopefully, are the consistant people in his life.

I think its harder for me than ds because i understand why this could potentially effect him. He has made less and less effort with each progressive one until the last one where he flatly refused to go to his dads because he didnt want to sleep at the girlfriends, leaving me having to force him to go and be left with the guilt over him being so upset

I thinking meeting these girls and being forced to sleep in different houses are two different things.. poor DS. It is unlikely your ex will listen and he is entitled to do what he wants but yet what is in your child's best interest comes first and quality time with his father is what is needed not being taken from pillar to post. It's difficult and I feel for you. Keep a note of everything esp. changes in your DS's behaviour. How many nights a week does he see your ex?

Are these girls being introduced as girl friends or just friends? My son is 5 and would never work out that someone was really a girlfriend if told otherwise, but he's really immature.

I have a friend, male, who is easily one of the most prolific chaser of women I've ever met. It's actually quite sad.

I had a heart to heart with him a while back and he told me after his parents split when he was 4 , his dad bought back a constant string of women to the family home ( he lived with his dad ).

I'm pretty sure that's what messed him up in terms of relationships and never being satisfied with the one he's with.

Sorry, I know that doesn't give any solace.

On the flip side my Dad always had multiple girls on the go - my sister and I sussed it early on (6 or 7) and just found it funny. Some we liked, some we didn't - unfortunately he married one of the ones we didn't like but they have been married 25 years so shows what we knew. But we never doubted he loved us and have great memories of our times with him (and random women!)

It's impossible to say how or if it will effect your son. Let him talk about them or the situation as he wants (even if its the last thing you want to hear) and IMO watch that you don't make it an issue.

Of course if he is getting upset either by any of them individually or by the situation ie sleeping elsewhere then absolutely speak with your ex - he should put his son first.

he spends every other weekend with his dad, but he rarely has him, his mum and dad do who he lives with. Ds told his dad he didnt want to stay at the exgfs house, to which he told him he had to whether he liked it or not. Fortunatley his parents were on side with this and it was arranged that he would stay with them, ex decided to put gf first on this occasion and chose to only see ds through the day not overnight if he wouldnt stay at the gfs.

The girls are all introduced as gfs and ds has came home more than once and said he has had to sleep in the same bed as them. the ex ds had a son the same age and on the first time he met him, he had to sleep in the same bed as him.

I never react to when ds tells me any of these things but his teachers have noticed a behaviour pattern on the week following his weekend with his dads and I have been called into the school about it. This weekend his dad told ds that he "didn't want to do his homework" with him this weekend (too busy in the pub with the new girlfriend I know for a fact) and I had to make him do it at 7pm last night when he was shattered and should have been in bed. Pretty much at the end of my tether tbh.

From my point of view he is selfish and doesnt give a S* about ds's feelings or how his actions effect him.

In which case this is a out the fact he is a selfish idiot. The number of gf's is not irrelevant but its a much bigger issue.
Can you speak with his parents - are you still on good terms. I would leave the number of gf's to one side and focus on school feedback, the need for routine inc stability in where he will stay and the homework. Would your DS be happier if he knew he was staying with his grandparents and the emphasis shifted to them? I know this lets him off the hook a bit but it sounds like settling everything down is the first priority and then you need to tackle him on exactly what makes a good father.
As a say I can fault my dads actions but never once did I doubt his love and focus on us.

My son loves his grandparents which is a huge relief for me and they dote on him. Unfortunately exp is manipulative and I'm almost sure his mother is scared of him so although I was close to them, I can feel his influence putting a stop to that. It's further complicated by the court order in place, I'm the resident parent with a reasonable contact order so cannot shift the main contact to his parents. I would if I could

What an awful situation for you. Maybe a discussion with ex and his parents together? You might find he actually wants to have your DS at his parents to give him some freedom - if he thinks its his own idea? Is there a way of doing that?

So the latest is that his family are now ignoring texts from me, even his sister who I've always had a close relationship with. I think he's making sure none of them speak to me

Can the school not speak to your ex or his parents about your son's behavior esp. not doing homework? why do you have to be the one who goes in? I think deXavia makes a very valid point of addressing the wider issue rather than the girlfriends - clever move.

Sorry to read this Oscargarth - went through a similar thing with my DS and his Dad.

With homework, I resorted to not sending any with him to be done on the weekend, it was just pointless. Can you get it done before he goes? Sleeping in the same bed really isn't acceptable. My DS only had to put up with one woman allegedly visiting her father so she wasn't there on arrival on Fri eve, but by Sunday morning DS went into his Dad's bedroom - to find a new woman in bed with his Dad.

Your ex is never going to change I'm afraid, he sounds disinterested in DS (except for the control element I suspect) and is probably trying to control the GPs and family too, hence no responses to texts.

I did the same as you, through gritted teeth and encouraging noises, sent an unwilling DS to his Dads faithfully every other weekend. DS is now 12, his father has now emigrated (yes you guessed it to be with yet another new woman) and DS can see his father for what he is. So we've been saved, but I was getting to the stage of it being DS's decision whether to go to his Dads or not. It would be a not.

Until that time comes, all you can do is maintain the stability for DS at home, manage the fall outs and know that in a few years your son will see his father for what he is too. FWIW, my DS has nothing at all to do with his father now through choice - I set up a family counselling session for DS to tell his Dad about how he felt about the emigration, but mostly DS wanted to tell him that his new relationship abroad wouldn't last like all the others.

Be open with school if you need to be, get their backing and use that to perhaps get the contact order changed? Is that feasible?

Sounds like your ex isn't going to change things on the basis of his behaviours. Do you have a child appropriate de-brief when he returns from these weekends? I found this gave DS time to get it all out, give him lots of reassurance and hugs and settled him back into being home quicker.

Really empathise and hope you can make progress for all your sakes. x

avenueone, we live in a different town and exp has literally nothing to do with ds's school, by choice may I add. I ask him to attend parents evening etc but he never turns up. On contact days he doesnt even collect ds from school but waits until ive collected him and comes to our home.

bluepenny - whenever ds comes home and tells me anything I inform the school immediately. a couple months back there was a major incident and the school helped and supported me with it (exp was locked up for assaulting his ex gf father infront of her son and had allegedly been drink driving with ds in the car and I asked ds's school to contact childrens services on my behalf). Its been a very stressful time for me and it never seems to get any better. I would go to my solicitor again if I thought I could afford to but as a working mum I get no legal aid.

Ds is often unsettled after contact and hes been very clingy recently, infact he wont sleep unless i am in the room with him, this was never an issue before. I am trying my best to ensure hes in a stable environment with me, but the cycle seems to start again after his weekend there

It sounds incredibly stressful and I didn't have the added issues you have there. Have you spoken to your GP about your son? I made an appt in son's name but went alone so I could openly discuss the problems affecting DS.

I appreciate the cost involved when you can't get Legal Aid (in same position), but what about some child counselling for DS? My son went privately for 30 mins one a fortnight at £25 a go. If there's anything untoward (abuse for example) they have to inform the authorities - wondering if that might help if you could afford it?

It is awful as a parent to see your child put through this by the ex and you sound like a wonderful mum doing your best, providing stability and can see what is going on is not doing your DS any good.

There really are some broader issues here - you shouldn't have to pay to get things resolved, I am trying to think of where you can go for help - hopefully someone more informaed can point you in the right direction. I'm so pleased to hear the school are being supportive.
I think you need to set some firmer boundaries on contact - he doesn't have the right to come to your home, so maybe look at resolving that for one and he can pick up from school - he may just not bother.
I like the idea suggested about councelling - it is not your word then but that of your DS to an independent person - if things come out I would stop contact and let your ex take you to court - you can self rep. and as legal aid stops next April he prob wouldn't take you anyway as I am pretty certain he wouldn't pay. OK children have rights to see parents but parents have rights to be responsible and protect children, looking at reviewing things as you are donig is being responsible.

my ds has came home in tears tonight saying his dad has told him he has to stay with him on xmas eve this year. we have always kept it as I have him xmas eve and xmas day then he has anothe xmas day with his dad on boxing day. ds is begging me to not let him go, I agree that xmas is for both parents im not disputing that but exp has not even mentioned this to me, he has gone to a 5 year old and caused him even more worry. I am in tears tonight over this, the court say age 9 is when the child can choose themself but Im not forcing him to do anything he doesnt want, apart from the fact I maybe selfishly think why should he have him on that special night when he doesnt bother with him the rest of the year.

oh and he "couldnt be bothered" to do his homework with him again

The court (CAFCASS) will take into account your DS's wishes and feelings my friend's DS was that age and his wishes were taken into account about overnight stays - he didn't feel ready to do them at the point it was requested and he wasn't forced to go. There are lots of horror stories on here but some good ones too - just focus on what you think is best for your DS. Keep notes re; the home work - more for your chats with CAFCASS than the court itself. Is your ex going to take your DS crying away with him on Christmas Eve - surely not.

Oh he would, anything to upset me or "get one over" on me. He uses emotional blackmail on him eg I don't want to go to my dads today but he says if I don't go I will hurt his feelings". What child should be out through this I'm really sick to my stomach

If i was in that situation i would stop overnight contact & restrict his contract to just your ds & his dad.

It may sound harsh as he is his dad but he isnt acting like his dad. Your ds needs to be priority not some five minute girlfriend.