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Original poster

He's not ringing the kids, what shall I do ??

14 replies

nutcracker · 31/03/2006 21:26

Me and Xp split over a month ago now and he is living with his sister 40 minutes away.

Since he left he has phoned the kids once. He has phoned me more, usually when the kids are at school and has spoken to me on msn.

He is full of how much he misses the kids etc, but he can't be arsed to ring them or arrange to see them it seems.

He came here on tuesday and we had a row and I basically said that I no longer wanted to even be friends with him as he was all nice to me one minute and not the next, and that i was deleting him from my msn which I have.

Since tuesday me or the kids have not heard a word from him. I am so angry on the kids behalf. His siter has told him he is free to ring them as often as he likes but he just won't.

I can't believe he is so unbothered.

The kids haven't mentioned anything but I know they must be upset.

I have decided that if they ask if they can ring him I will let them, but I don't feel I should be ringing him asking him why he hasn't rung, or should I ??

OP posts:
Freckle · 31/03/2006 21:31

Don't. He's clearly having a strop and is probably waiting for you to make the first move.

If the children ask to speak to him or why they haven't heard from him, let them call him, but otherwise leave him to get over his huff.

Original poster
nutcracker · 31/03/2006 21:33

Yes your right and I will leave it.

He just makes me so mad......10 bloody minutes on the phone, thats all they'd need.

OP posts:
Caligula · 31/03/2006 21:36

It's his responsibility how he manages his relationship with his own children, Nutcracker, not yours.

Don't let him manipulate you into taking responsibility for his actions, or you'll be doing it for years and it will be extremely thankless, enraging and generally awful.

barmybird · 31/03/2006 21:38

Difficult situation nutcracker. You have my sympathy. I guess if he knows he can ring anytime I would personally leave it to him but I would have a talk to the kids. I have repeatedly told my dd that she can ring daddy anytime and I simply dial the number, wait for him to answer then hand the phone to her, I don't usually say a word to him! I've followed mistressmiggins advice and taught dd which button to press to end the call. I think its important that she knows he is still there for her in this way.

I would also speak to the kids about how they are feeling. DD is 3 and has been having a very difficult time. I waited until she was secure and snuggled in bed with me then told her why mummy and daddy didn't live together anymore. Not an indepth explanation just daddy doesn't love mummy anymore and mummy doesn't love daddy, but we both love dd. This seems to have had a calming effect on her. We now regularly have little chats about how she is feeling! if your kids are upset I really would initiate some sort of conversation.

Another tip I was given was if daddy is not good at keeping contact acknowledge this with the kids. Say something like daddys not very good at talking on the phone.

Don't know if that helps or not!

kalex · 31/03/2006 21:41

Totally agree with Caligula (as usual) it is his responsibility to maintain or destroy his relationship with his kids, unfortunately it's left to you to pick up the pieces. Sad, hopefully he will realise he is cutting off his nose to spite his face and come round, but in my case this took a long time.

In my experience, support the children but don't badmouth him (which can be easier said than done when he is hurting them).

awayninahmanger · 31/03/2006 21:41

bb the note about your dd is useful, my ds is also 3 and I've been finding it hard knowing how to deal with explaining particularly as we are still under same roof albeit it separate floors

Original poster
nutcracker · 31/03/2006 21:43

Thanks all

I always knew he would be crap at keeping in touch with them because he is lazy.

The kids are aged 8, 6 and 3. The 3 year old still doesn't seem to have noticed whats going on, the 6 and 8 year olds though have obviously noticed and I have spoken to them both about the situation and told them they can ring him but neither have asked.

I just didn't expect him to lose interest in his own kids so soon tbh.

OP posts:
awayninahmanger · 31/03/2006 21:45

are you happier to be away from him, on balance, nutcracker?

yeamam · 31/03/2006 21:45

I'm sorry Nutcracker.

My sisters dd is 9 and hasn't had contact with her daddy since she was 4. She goes and spends the weekends with his parents but he has married now and moved out. It's a right old mess. I agree with above, let the children call him if they want to, he is still their dad even though he's not acting very maturely at the minute.

Can I ask why he is with his sister? Last I read he had went to look at a flat and you were helping him get sorted?

Caligula · 31/03/2006 21:45

It's incomprehensible how men can be so emotionally abusive to their own children. Sad

awayninahmanger · 31/03/2006 21:46

Agree caligula, it's just so hard to see how they can do this

kalex · 31/03/2006 21:59

Caligula, I think it's because they find it so hard to realise that they have created anything with their own identity, and they are so self absorbed they don't realise the damage they are causing.

Things changed for the better in my DD&DS relationship with their father, was when he turned up three hours late for them, I had arranged something so fun, they didn't want to go, and he was devastated that he could be replaced (which he couldn't be) but they were 5 & 2 at that stage, and I basically bribed them to stay home. DD stood and looked at him and said she would rather stay with me. It broke his heart - but when he phoned ten mins later crying - I felt awful.

But he has always turned up on time since them (kindoff - within the hour). it was a hard leason, but XP realised he couldn't turn up when he wanted, and I hope DD & DS learned (although I doubt it coz they were little) that they need to be respected and they need to be taken into account too. I hated the whole standing at the front door waiting for him - and me knowing he propably was either going to be late or a no show (which also happened but this is already too long)

Original poster
nutcracker · 31/03/2006 22:01

Oh i am still really convinced I made the right desicion and wouldn't change it for anything, I am mostly enjoying my new life.

He is at his sisters again because he is lazy. The first flat fell through and to be fair it was totally unsuitable, but since then he has looked at a few more but made excuses about all of them. Anyway he wasn't looking anywhere near hard enough and so I told him he had to leave, and so thats where he went.
He is making absolutly no effort at all to find anywhere and I have just lost all patience with him now, and don't even want to talk to him unless it is about the kids that he unfortunatly doesn't seem to give a toss about Angry

OP posts:
awayninahmanger · 31/03/2006 22:08

I am very pleased to hear that, I have followed your threads and I know you thought long and hard - so did I - it's a relief to be sure
I guess your ex is only proving himself to be as you suspected. I agree it really IS down to these fathers to maintain the relationship with their children - luckily the kids have you

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