christmas dilemma

[TimrousBeastie]

My ex put forward a plan yesterday for contact over christmas and i'm not too sure what to think about it, would really like some opinions.

He's moving down to london soon to be with his girlfriend (we're in glasgow) and he doesn't know if his girlfriends work schedule will allow them to come up at christmas (hes not working atm and probably won't be before then, knowing him). He's suggesting that on boxing day the children travel down to london with his parents and come back on the friday.

They will be driving so i'm thinking easily 7 hours drive and I can see a few problems with this. I don't really think its fair to expect them to sit in a car for that length of time- its christmas and they'll be all excited and wanting to play with their new toys not stuck in a car for hours. Also what if the weather is bad? I don't like the idea of them travelling so much if the winter is as bad as what they are predicting. Another problem is that his gran moves in with his parents over the christmas period and if they all go to london , she can't go so will be left all alone ( I know this isn't my problem but adds to my unwillingness to agree to this).

I think this is so much hassle, when the easiest solution would be for him to come up (without the girlfriend if needs be)- In my head, he made the decision to move so it should be him having to put himself out to see the children, rather than the other way about. Am i being unreasonable? ( not brave enough to put this is that category(

I agree with cestlavie. I also wouldn't be answering his question about whether he is putting his girlfriend first if it's going to turn into an argument. Stick to arrangements about the children and don't rescue him by trying to find a solution. Your part is to make them available for contact, his is to work out how and when he wants to see them and negotiate with you from there.

That is far too much driving to do over three days let alone with children . I'd say it's potentially dangerous and totally unreasonable for all concerned.

I'm an NRP dad and I'd never suggest an arrangement like that, starting with my concerns about dd.

Personally I'd ask the GPs if they'd like their grandchildren for a few nights over Christmas and see what they say.

Thanks its good to hear a dads opinion, just helps confirm that I wasn't being a nasty ex for saying no. We always work christmas one year the children spend the day with my family and boxing day with his, the following year it swaps and his parents always have the kids for a night in between christmas and new year ( I'm very lucky with them).

I told him that I wasn't going to agree to the travelling and offered a few alternatives- his dad has kindly offered to do the journey the following week but having a couple more days down there but this wasn't good enough, I suggested he come up either by train or fly on boxing day and stay for a couple of days at his mums and have the children there, but that won't work, even suggested that they do christmas on christmas eve so they can all be at his mums on the 23rd into 24th and he could go back down in the evening but again there was fault with this. He's refusing to believe how the weather can affect his plan and he believes that I'm not thinking about the children in all of this. He asked how they feel and when I told him that our daughter said that daddy should really try to come here (of her own back) he hung up the phone on me.

I have a feeling he is getting in the ear from the girlfriend as he is being so inflexible.

TimrousBeastie

I'm certain that if you posted in AIBU ' would you submit your dc to two 8 hour car journeys over the course of three days' the resolute response would be no unless absolutely necessary .

I mean who'd want to put their kids through that if they could avoid it ?!

He's unreasonable and inflexible. You've been v accommodating in trying to offer alternative solutions.

I'd hope the GPs are on the same page as you and will try and talk sense in to their son.

I dont see what the problem is to be honest. Someone else is offering to do the driving. He has put this proposal to you quite a long way in advance. If they were going on a 7 hour flight to Disneyland would you say no, it's too long for them to be travelling? Lots and lots of families do this all the time and I dont quite understand your reason for not agreeing. What if he was still living up there near you and they went to him on Boxing Day and then he drove them down to London for a couple of days - would you say no to that?

It sounds like part of your reason is that (in your view) you feel he isn't doing enough to see them. Just my honest opinion.

i dont think the length of journey is an issue per se - but chances are that time of year it may have to be curtailed or cancelled. or they could end up stuck. the one year i travelled (pre dc) from london to glasgow at xmas time to visit brother, it snowed relaly heavily and took ages and last hour or so was really difficult.
it is depending on other people not him to make the journey.
the only reason ex wont come to scotland is apparently because of another grown adult - his gf.

this time he chooses - come to scotland to see dc or stay with gf and see them later .

I would say no, for all the reasons mentioned. My ex moved a similar distance in similar circumstances and there's no way I would agree to it.

Its a festive period and i cant see any child wanting to do that much travelling over christmas , i agree to say no too.

How i see this situation is this.

OPs ex wants his parents to leave his granny alone & drive his kids dwn to him coz he doesnt want to leave his girlfriend alone. This to me says he is putting the girlfriend before the children.

He is being unreasonable & no way should you agree to this.

I'm glad to hear you put your foot down. He is the one who is moving away; he makes the effort to see them. Simple as that.

Thanks for all your comments.
I've not heard from him since them, but he was at his mums on bonfire night when the children were there and apparently he said he was going to try to come up, but I know he's had lots of arguments with his mum over it so hoping that it is all settled now.