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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Help.Feeling so unhappy

7 replies

wirral · 29/03/2006 12:38

Am so unhappy. To recap husband left me 10ish weeks ago with no explanation. Divorce going ahead.Since then it has been agreed that he will see our daughter 2 evenings a week and one overnight stay at weekend. Days are not specific as he works shifts. I am just coming to terms with single parenthood. Daughter is currently off school sick for about the 3rd time since he left. I am so worried about all the time I am taking off work.

Anyway I digress. Recently husband has decided that he wants to speak to daughter every night.( Bear in mind he sees her 3 times a week anyway).I know that this sounds reasonable but sometimes it's not practical.EG when she's got a friend round and they're playing happily - do I interupt because Daddy's on the phone? Or when having a family meal?

Last night he telephoned at 6.30pm.I texted him to tell him that our daughter wasn't in ( She was out with HIS Mum) but he kept phoning every 5 minutes. He then watched the house and phoned his Mum when she brought her back.

Please help. I can't go on living like this! I am so scared ( perhaps irrationally so). I can't live the rest of my life like this

OP posts:

Chandra · 29/03/2006 12:47

I can not help with much more than my thoughts but it seems to me that you have to agreee to a number of mutually convenient times, tru he works shifts but you can not be on stand by to see when he feels likme establishing contact.

About speaking to her everynight, how about setting up some time just before going to bed?

We have a friend who has insisted in having day to day contact with his children, he travels 10 miles every morning to pick them up at his X house, take them to have breakfast and then drove them to school. Obviously, he has to do wonders in order to be there everyday, but I think is fair. They can NOTR spontaneously change arrangements, it really messes up their after-divorce relationship which knocks back negatively on their children.

dillydally · 29/03/2006 12:48

Is daughter old enough for her own phone?
Perhaps that may help, what does she want in all of this?

Being a single mum is a real rollercoaster at first isn't it...(and actually most of the time subsequently come to think of it)

Chandra · 29/03/2006 12:49

likme? like!

mistressmiggins · 29/03/2006 12:55

Hi Wirral
I know your story and wanted to show support.

If he does this again (phoning every 5 mins) just leave the phone on the side and walk off - it'll run up his phone bill.

Regarding the phone calls, do your phones have displays? If so, you can get a free service from BT where the caller is displayed. This way, if your DD is out & H calls, just dont answer the phone. Similarly if DD is available, get her to answer the phone.

If you dont have display phones, buy one. This has made my life more bearable - I see its H on the phone, press the answer button & hand it str to DS. When he has finished, he switches the phone off.

Arrange a time - say betw 6 & 6.30pm for him to call. Say that outside that time, you cannot guarantee DD will be in.

If DD is playing, just ask her nicely to speak to daddy and switch the phone off when finished. This way you arent having to speak, you are teaching your DD manners, and if she forgets to switch it off, he'll soon get bored ringing for a quick hello

IT IS HARD
I do understand but you have to find whats right for you too.

Bugsy2 · 29/03/2006 13:06

wirral, you definitely need to set boundaries with your h.
You h sounds like he is a controlling person and he wants to have 24/7 telephone access to your daughter. That is ridiculous. Set him definite times when he can call. Tell him you are doing this so that you can make sure that DD is around and expecting to speak to him. If necessary pull the phone out of the wall at other times of the day, so that the endless ringing won't bug you. He will get the message.
Errant ex's benefit from not being allowed to bully their ex-wives/partners. Big sympathy to you - been where you are now & happy to say it will get better.

bluejelly · 29/03/2006 13:45

Wirral
Sorry he is still being so unreasonable. He does sound rather controlling.
But I am sure he will get bored with playing these games eventually.

I think it's okay to ring your dd every day. But it's not okay for him to keep ringing every five minutes etc.
And as for 'watching the house'-- blatantly bonkers.

Can you explain that it's fine for him to ring every day between, say, six and six thirty oclock.
If she is busy playing she can come to the phone and tell him herself.

If he rings outside those times, don't answer the call.

Be a bit flexible, but not very. He needs to learn boundaries.

The rest of your life will not be like this, I promise.

God my ex has been a complete pain in the arse at points, constantly ringing and texting me when he knew i was out with my boyfriend etc, letting me down over contact arrangements, money, you name it.
But just today he has rang me up and offered to come over and look after his daughter so i can go out, even though it's not officially his night to have her...
So they can change...

Good luck and let us know how things go over the next couple of days

bluejelly · 29/03/2006 13:48

Sorry an extra 'o'clock' sneaked in there somewhere

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