Forgive me if I get this all wrong, I've never posted before.
I've been raising my 3dcs alone for the last 7yrs since I found out that their dad was having multiple affairs. We are divorced now and he still lives with one of the women he had an affair with, she has a child but not with him.
Right from the start, exh visits with the dcs were very sparodic.
They went to his house a few times until the gf put a stop to it, she hasnt let exh have the dcs there for years now. I used to let him come to my house to see them but he spent too much time flirting with me and not being with the dcs so I told him that he had to take them out to do things. He usually takes them to the park or the museum (the free stuff basically).
The original agreement was that he would see the dcs once a week for the day, this soon dwindled down to a couple of hours a week to every other week for an hour til he just stopped turning up altogether. He would never text or call to let us know so the dcs were just left in the dark. Over the last couple of years exh tends to disappear with no contact at all for weeks on end then he just reappears as if nothing has happened. There are various reasons from him...broken phone, broken car, had a nervous breakdown, fell over in the street, ill health etc etc.
His current way of doing things is to turn up out the blue on one of the dcs birthdays then go on the missing list til the next birthday. The last time he visited was in june, my oldest son(14) has been texting him, he replies sometimes but not others. My son is very angry about his dad, he wants to see him but he cant understand why his dad wants nothing to do with him. I spend alot of time mopping up his tears and calming his anger down. My other 2 are aged 11 and 8, they appear on the surface unfazed by their dads behaviour.
This morning I had a text from exh saying he wants to see them on thursday. I tried to call him back straightaway but his phone was switched off. I asked the dcs if they want to see him and they all said yes so I text back to tell him the time that he can come.
I have always worked on the idea that its the dcs decision if the want to see their dad or not, I have never said that they cant. In fact I think I've done all I can to ensure that they can see him. The trouble is I'm getting increasingly worried about the effect its having on my teenager, he is so angry. I'm angry too, why cant exh see what effect his behaviour is having on his children?
People have said that I shouldnt let him see the dcs anymore but I dont think this is the right thing to do, they have a right to see him. Sometimes I think that it would be better all round if he just stopped contact because this constant to-ing and fro-ing is exhausting and confusing enough for me so its got to be even worse for the dcs. But then I think that they would feel even more rejected and abandoned by him. I've tried to talk to him countless times abouts the effects that his behaviour has but it does no good. It just seems that he thinks he can do whatever he wants and to hell with what anyone else thinks or feels.
Anyway, I suppose there aren't any answers in this situation. I just wondered if anyone else is experiencing something similar, how do you cope with it?