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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I am a really useless and I'm sure people are laughing at me

23 replies

freemanbatch · 18/10/2012 19:06

I split with ex at the beginning of August and he walked out of the house leaving everything for me to sort. We'd just come back from a holiday that day and everything was left in the dining room and the kids bedroom was in the middle of being decorated something that should have been finished before we went away except he decided we were going five days earlier than planned, all part of his control and abuse issues, but the house was a mess and I was left to sort it out.

He's staying with his parents so has nowhere to have the kids over night so I've done every bedtime and every morning since he left, I have no family within 100 miles and he saw off most of my friends. To add to it all I haven't slept properly since he first tried to rape me which is way back in January, I'm trying to save up to decorate my room and buy a new bed and stuff to try and get rid of the physical triggers of memories but no one wants to help and as I'm unemployed i have very little money to try and do any of the stuff I need to.

On top of it all I found out i was pregnant about six weeks ago, must have happened right at the last, but I have spent the last four weeks slowly losing the baby and bleeding a lot, I am exhausted but the care of my kids is not being effected I am looking after them properly and they are very happy and content with their new lives.

Today at when I picked DD2 up from nursery I was rather vacant about a few things and the staff are lovely but I couldn't help feeling they were laughing at me and wondering what I was complaining about when I said I was tired and it was hard work fitting everything in with no help. it's not like I can tell them whats been going on or that I'm going to find a solution to being so tired any time soon but I can't help feeling that they must think I'm a moaning, lazy, useless lump.

not sure the point of this other than for me to get it out of my head.

OP posts:

Witchety · 18/10/2012 19:11

Who cares what they think. You sound like you are trying very hard, you will get there

You do sound like you need support. It's very difficult, I know. Chin up, it gets easier.

StrawberryMojito · 18/10/2012 19:14

You sound like you are doing an amazing job and I'm sure they weren't laughing at you. You sound like you could do with some support though, maybe a local single parents group. Also, I hope you are seeing your GP about mc, bleeding and exhaustion ( and counselling re rape). Make sure you are eating well. Sorry I can't offer better advice but hopefully more people will be along soon. Take care of yourself.

boredandrestless · 18/10/2012 19:17

The nursery staff won't think you are being useless or lazy, please try not to worry about what people think - I realise this is easier said than done.

How old are your dcs?

Have you looked on MN local to see if there is anyone in the area that fancies a meet up? Making new friends and building up a support network would help I think.

Have you spoken to women's aid? You could call them and ask if the freedom programme is running in your area. Explain that you've recently split from an abusive ex and need some help and support. They are meant to be really good (the freedom programme) and it will be another means of meeting other women who live locally.

YesIKnowIHaveGlitterOnMyFace · 18/10/2012 19:20

Couldn't read and run. Will be back after bedtimes

You're doing a great job. It's hard doing it all on your own.
Tell nursery what's going on, they will be supportive I promise

JasperStreet · 18/10/2012 19:26

You sound amazing, please don't beat yourself up. It's very easy to think people are laughing at you when you feel low but I'm sure they're not. Or they may have mistakenly thought you were having a lighthearted grumble (as we all do) and not seen what was going on behind it.

Jellykat · 18/10/2012 19:38

I agree with what everyone above is saying and would also suggest seeing your GP, you may be anaemic or need some Vit B to help your energy levels.

Re. your bedroom, is there a Freecycle in your area? There maybe some bits on there.. but also getting some support from WA or Gingerbread would really help. Don't forget we're always here too.

Its tough enough being a lone parent, without the additional stuff you've gone through, you're doing amazingly well!

Original poster

freemanbatch · 18/10/2012 20:26

thank you all very much, you are all really kind.

I'm almost certain when I think about it rationally that the women at nursery aren't laughing at me but trying to be supportive and they have been really good and not at all surprised when i said he'd gone so they probably have more idea than I think they do about what's been going on!

The kids are 2 and 5, the 2 year old goes to nursery one and a half days a week so that she mixes with other kids and so I get a bit of down time, not that I'm all that good at stopping I tend to spend the time cleaning, sorting out or looking for jobs, which is slightly mad right now when I couldn't possibly do a good job but I hate having to rely totally on benefits, I'd like to work a bit at some point and meet new people but I probably need to forget that for a few months and get on with learning how to sleep again!

You really are all very kind and I will look at all the things you've suggested and get this sorted. My GP has told me to go back next week if I'm still bleeding but I shouldn't be because the scans are now clear so hopefully I can start building myself up again

thank you all very much

OP posts:

Jellykat · 18/10/2012 21:01

I agree, i think you need to do some major recovering before you start work.. maybe in the New Year you could get back on the case..
..and please go back to the docs if you're still as knackered.

We're here if you need us

avenueone · 18/10/2012 21:58

When I was at my lowest I felt just the same regarding nursery staff. I thought as soon as I walked in the room they knew that I was a mess... I thought they were thinking `we know what is really going on - you are not coping'.. of course they were not and even if they were they were not being unkind.
You have been through so much but you are coping very well and day by day you will get back on your feet.
I have not been on the freedom programme myself but heard fab reports on here. Have you spoken to family? can they come and stay and give you a hand? can you move? (forget the don't take the kids away from their father brigade this is above survival).
I am a real believer in the pen and pad planning regime - get a pen and some paper and write some short, medium and long term goals - as you meet the hour by hour, day by day ones it will give you confidence to move forward. Keep smiling the rest of your wonderful life has only just begun.

Original poster

freemanbatch · 18/10/2012 21:58

Thank you, there really are some very lovely people around here

OP posts:

Original poster

freemanbatch · 18/10/2012 22:03

I can't move avenueone, mainly because my family are not exactly supportive so the distance gives excuses for them not being to helpful whereas if I was closer I would probably feel more let down by them and I don't need that right now.

I'm going to look for info about the freedom programme because that sounds like a good idea and the written goals is a really good idea, one of which will be to stop thinking about work until after christmas

Thank you

OP posts:

brightermornings · 18/10/2012 22:03

You have only been on your own for a short time. It takes time to adjust. But I promise you it will get easier.
Some days you will be grateful you've got your clothes on the right way round and everyone is fed! I have those and my dc's are much older and I've been on my own for 5 years.
Other days will be amazing and the memories will put a smile on your face.

avenueone · 18/10/2012 22:06

yes, stick work into the medium goals section Jan 2013 - if you want to feel like you are moving it forward a little you can always write your CV up - that can go into short term goals hopefully as you play around with the lists the plans will formulate. Keep the paper with you at all times and add and move things, esp. in the first few weeks as you get new ideas. It will keep the thoughts positive.

avenueone · 18/10/2012 22:08

Some days you will be grateful you've got your clothes on the right way round great comment - I am the same after 7 years but I have my bits of paper in my back pocket, it's all fine

Goonatic · 18/10/2012 22:10

You poor thing. Actually I reckon you are doing well, in what must be very sad and upsetting circumstances, very sorry about your mc. Your children have a lovely mummy.
Hug

Original poster

freemanbatch · 18/10/2012 22:40

I haven't yet not managed to get dress in the morning but yesterday morning I did sleep in until 815 when we had to be at school at 850 which I think is what has set me in the feeling useless mode, she did get to school on time having had breakfast though so I'm obviously not useless really just very tired!!

The hug it very welcome thank you goonatic and that is a lovely thing to say thank you.

OP posts:

avenueone · 19/10/2012 00:23

you are absolutely allowed to not be on time for anything. Have you been into school and explained the situation? they will be supportive - may help you feel better - whatever it takes -you are not superwoman, you are doing an amazing job.

Original poster

freemanbatch · 19/10/2012 12:56

I have this overwhelming fear that people will suddenly think I can't cope so being on time for things and stuff like that feels really important even though I know that it doesn't really matter. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I brought my kids up well enough while he was here so I can only start to do an even better job now once I get organised.

I haven't been into school but I sent a note to DD's new teacher when she went back in September explaining ex had left and asking them to let me know if they had any concerns about how DD was coping with the change. The teacher came and spoke to me at the end of the first day and said DD had stood up in news time and said 'my daddy moved out during my holidays, my mummy smiles now' I only just managed not to cry in front of the teacher and a yard full of parents!!

We're away at my parents this weekend and have been promised we're the only guests so hopefully the kids can have the room that used to be my brothers and my dad will get up with them in the morning so I can catch a few extra minutes sleep

OP posts:

Jellykat · 19/10/2012 16:42

That's an amazing DD you have there, how perceptive and honest - absolutely all credit to you!

Hope your weekend is good and you manage to get a decent sleep!

Happylander · 20/10/2012 19:24

You are doing well. They would not have been laughing at you and they will be cutting you some slack about being on time. It is hard work on your own isn't it? I find it hard and I have lots of support. Hugs to you.

Where do you live? My friend is moving to Canada soon and she has a double bed she wants to get rid of. I am a crap painter but I have painted all my house and when my ex has my DS I could give you a hand if in Sussex area although there is no way I am ever painting a ceiling again after doing 6 of them in my house LOL.

It gets better I promise.

avenueone · 20/10/2012 21:40

Glad you have a nice weekend planned - hopefully you are relaxing right now. Being late every once in a while is not, not coping it is just normal. You are doing amazing..don't be hard on yourself, praise everything you do.

Original poster

freemanbatch · 21/10/2012 21:21

Happylander it is so kind of you to offer, you really are a lovely person, sadly I'm in the north east but even the offer of help makes me feel happier and more positive so thank you

Avenueone My weekend was not bad, I didn't get much more sleep but I did change fewer nappies and cook fewer meals so it was a nice break

I'm feeling much more determined to have a good week and not beat myself up about things so that is a good start

OP posts:

avenueone · 21/10/2012 21:37

Excellent and make sure you go back there when you need to - they will be pleased to have you. Have a good week.

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