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Original poster

Weekend only contact

51 replies

pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 15:54

Ex is taking me to court to change contact from one mid week and a weekend night to all weekend from fri-Monday. They would allow me weekend contact one weekend per term.

How likely is this to happen? I am feeling sick about it all Sad
The court application says:
*that I am obstructive,
*tell lies frequently
*leave my dd with other people during my time with her,
*ignore his concerns about her well-being

  • take her out of the country without notice or permission
  • always frustrate contact or change it without notice
  • fail to honour previous agreements.

It then states that the contact order is being made because dd is tired during the week and misses him, therefore every fri-mon would resolve this issues Sad

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 22:31

Have you been served with a copy of the C100?
On the first page, next to your DDs name, it will stare what court orders are being applied for - Contact or Residency. What has your ex put?
On page 2, the applicants names and addresses are listed - is his DW name there?

Sounds like your solicitor has a plan.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 22:39

what plan disney?

yeah i have the c100- it says its for shared residency and contact order

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 22:40

her name is not on it, only his.

( although she provides her contact no and email in his boxes)

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 22:46

Agh! MN keeps dying on me!

If a shared residency order, that specifies the days/times that your DD resides with each parent, there is no need for a contact order. How odd!

Is your Ex DW named as an applicant? If so, she is trying to get her name on the order and secure PR for your DD Angry

NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 22:47

Sorry x-post!

I think you should go with your solicitors advice - he's no doubt dealt with this sort of idiocy before Wink

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 22:51

not sure what you mean? is it unusual to apply for a shared residency order and a contact order at the same time/

her name is not on it as an applicant, only her phone no and email in the box for ex's contact details.

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 22:59

Sorry pingu MN keeps deleting my posts!

A shared residency order would specify when your DD was resident with each parent. So why would he need a contact order as well?
A residency order can be incredibly detailed - times of phone calls, who takes the DC to school/clubs etc, what happens on birthdays, Christmas, other celebrations.
A contact order is just not necessary!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 23:02

so what do you think the motive is behind that then?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 23:03

It doesn't sound well thought through tbh - I'm sure your solicitor will get to the bottom of it!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 23:12

thanks Disney, I know they've recently hired a nanny and would be planning to use her for care during the hols, don't if this will help my case any?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 23:27

That's where the right of first refusal comes in.
You can negotiate clauses in the order that require both parents to offer care of your DD to the other parent if the parent who the order places your DD with is unable to provide that care.
you can specify ROFR to just overnight, or for periods longer than a specified time limit (2 hrs for instance).

So, if your ex is away - he would be breaking the Order if he didn't ask you if you were able to have DD rather than leave her in the care of his DW. If you need holiday care, you would break the order if you didn't ask him if he (not his DW or their nanny) could care for DD those days rather than you booking a childminder.

If course, if the other parent says no, then the parent whose care DD should be in is responsible for arranging a suitable alternative - which could be a nanny.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 16/10/2012 23:39

thanks for that

I cant see ex going for that whatsover, given that dw provides most of his care during hols amd indeed weekends etc. What it might do however, is stop him harrassing me about whoever I {rarely} leave dd with in my time.
Could I do anything about the general criticising and put downs? Every week in life he has a go at me at the door about something that I am not doing right. Even in the court applications they mention dd's weight again - something they have been upset about since she was a baby. It was news to me that it was still bothering them, yet its mentioned again in the application as a concern about her care ( that and the tiredness). I could hazard a guess that it was an attempt to prop up their case against me, having failed to find another reason, so they've whipped that old chesnut out. Its upsetting to see it on paper thought, dd is lovely, healthy, happy and not overweight according to hv and doc. I feel this is another form of harrassment. Could I speak to a judge about this kind of thing?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 16/10/2012 23:47

This isn't about him anymore - he has delegated the decision about your DDs residency and contact with her parents to the court. He doesn't get the choice to accept the decision or not - all your solicitor has to do is convince the court that it would benefit your DD. as your ex has expressed concern, in his statement, about who you leave DD in the care of, he will look inconsistent in the eyes of a judge if he argues against ROFR.

As for the confrontations, etc- you can use the order to minimise face to face contact; hand overs through school and even neutral locations for holiday exchanges.
The order could even specify the frequency and nature of email contact - once a week, factual eyc.

There is a separated parenting course that courts can order parents to attend in high conflict situations like yours - and his DW won't be allowed to accompany him!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/10/2012 00:04

thanks again Disney

I've a feeling I'm gonna be asking a lot of questions on here over the next few months, god it all feels so horribleSad

thanks for the support

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 17/10/2012 00:10

If you haven't already, get hold of a copy of 'Putting Children First' by Karen and Nick Woodall. The parenting course I mentioned is based on the programme that accompanies this book.

Courts will expect parents to strive to behave in the manner the book sets out - hopefully it will provide you with some reassurance that you are being the rational, reasonable one Smile

solidgoldbrass · 17/10/2012 00:11

You poor girl, what an utter wanker this man is. Bear in mind, though, that what ever he and his cunt of a wife think, a court will not automatically believe them and give them everything they ask for. Amass all the evidence possible of their abuse of you, their dishonesty and unreliablity and make sure your solicitor has it all particularly them refusing to attend mediation. Courts are much better at spotting abusers and slapping them down than they used to be.

Best of luck.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/10/2012 00:23

loves sgb a little bitGrin ( actually I wish was sgb cos they'd never mess with me againWink

Evidence is hard to come by as a lot of their written correspondence sounds like its just genuine parental concern, however, they have refused mediation outright in an email so hopefully that will help. I am trying to hold onto the fact that they also have no evidence that I know of regarding the lies they make up.

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 17/10/2012 06:59

pingu Their genuine parental concern can also be evidence and is worth giving to your solicitor.

Firstly, it provides evidence that your ex's DW is inappropriately advising you on how to raise your DC, and secondly it can be used to highlight inconsistency in your ex's approach and expose his behaviour as malicious - for instance, if he's so worried about your DDs weight/tiredness, then why hasn't he taken her to the GP? If he's worried about who you leave DD with, why has he declined additional contact ?
If he's linked money and contact in emails, that will not be looked on favourably by the court, and anything that has his DW name on will also do him no favours at all - courts don't like it when SM's try and replace a DCs Mum!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/10/2012 09:25

Yes, he has mentioned money in a recent letter to me, although only to sya he pays me above and beyond my entitlement. Would this count? I found the comment offensive, but would a court?

I feel loads better about what you say regarding how they would view DW's involvement. I also want to talk about times ex has bullied me into letting sm take my dd to her hospital appts because she works there and would be able to 'discuss her treatment better than me'. He also made me give him dd's red book when she was little, so that sm could pore over it and see an increase in her weight. This is in spite of me already taking her to a doc and HV who said she was finie?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 17/10/2012 09:38

Tell you solicitor everything; if it comes to court then he (or a barrister) will know how to present it in a way that the court will listen to and hear the message you want to communicate.
It is no longer about "your side of the story" but a out presenting evidence that will achieve what you believe is best for DD Smile

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/10/2012 10:47

whats the diff between a sol and barrister?

is it worth me contacting FNF? I was thinking they might help me reason with ex that this conflict is unhealthy.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 17/10/2012 11:58

Pingu, honestly, give up on the idea of reasoning with this man. He is not interested in reason, his motivation is to GET HIS OWN WAY. A court is only interested in division of finance and ensuring that, where possible, a child of separated parents has a relationship with both parents. There is no legal obligation whatsoever for YOU to have contact with this couple, you can shut them right out of your life and have all handovers done by third parties in public places as well as getting court orders in place to prevent them from phoning you, approaching you, coming near your house or spreading lies about you.
Keep being calm and reasonable, you are the reasonable one here, and if they phone or visit and are rude or aggressive in any way you can say 'You're clarly not in a reasonable frame of mind for this conversation, we'll continue it another time' and then turn your back and walk away, or hang up the phone.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/10/2012 13:18

I know you're right SBG Sad

I guess I just thought it would help my case if I tried to reason with him before being dragged to court. He has skipped all the bits that I thought a court would want to see, ie mediation etc. I am scared of court to be honest. Scared of his lies being believed and losing my child to them from fri-monday Sad

Anyway, ill update as the process goes on. Thanks for the support

Pingu

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 17/10/2012 14:05

pingu the court WILL want to see all those things; the first hearing will often result in a court order on you both to attend a Separated Parenting Course, or Initial Assessment Meeting with a mediator. Just because he's tried to skip them doesn't mean the court won't order him to do them, and they won't be impressed they he's wasted their time by not trying to resolve things first and has applied straight for a residency order!

I remember the frustration of feeling that if I could only somehow reason with my ex, then all the unpleasantness could be avoided - but I've come to realise that he is just adamant that I am unreasonable as I am that he is.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/10/2012 16:10

thanks Disney

How many hearings are there? I dont really understand the court process. I will get my sol to ask him to provide dates and details of these supposed cancelled arrangements/broken agreements.

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