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Original poster

No mummy anymore, should I talk to the kids about mothers day,...................?

30 replies

jmg1 · 26/03/2006 09:58

My kids are 7, 5 and 4. As many of you know their mummy died just over 3 year ago and my mum died 3 year ago.

I am at the point when I am often wandering what to say to the kids and whether to talk about their mummy more and things such as mothers day or just leave these issues alone and see what the kids ask. They don't ask much. Two weeks ago ds(7) said 'I miss my mummy' and I just said 'I miss her too'

On the surface they seem to be doing well.

I just need some opinions cause I don't want to overwhelm them but also feel it is nice if they understand more.

OP posts:
jambuttie · 26/03/2006 10:01

Sending )))))))))HUGS(((((((((( your way.

I think you could maybe mention mummy to them but sort of test the water 1st. Talk about what mummy was like and the kids themselves will decided if they want to ask/know more.

Hope this helps

Auntymandy · 26/03/2006 10:04

maybe today would be a nice day to talk about her.
Do you have a special place where you could take flowers?

she is still mummy, I think it would be nice to remember her on mothers day

muma3 · 26/03/2006 10:06

awww jmg1 this is so sadSad are they your sisters children ? sorry im not really up-to-date with your situation but i think your are fantastic to be doing what your doing and must have a lot of courage .

imo i would let thm come to you and ask questions and talk about their mother when they want to . just make sure you say to them that they can talk to you about their mother whenever they feel like it .

(((((((((((hugs to you and the children ))))))))

i hope you are getting a relaxing day today because its people like you that them children look up to and i think they have fantastic role models
xxxxx

KristinaM · 26/03/2006 10:36

I agree with aunty mandy - they do still have a mummy and you could use mothers days to remember her in a happy way ( I knwo its hard).I dont think you can ignore it as they the other kids wil be talking at school and nursery and they wont knwo what to say.

We lost a child last summer and on his birthday in october we laid red roses in a special place. The children blew bubbles and thought about the fun times we had together. They wrote special memories of him on a tag and tied it onto a balloon and let it go. Not sad things, stuff like " I remember whe you used to ...." and " You always laughed when ...." " when I think about you ....."

They coudl always put something special in their memory boxes to mark mothers day. We have a 6yo and she still talks about her brother a lot, though I knwo its more recent.

Sorry I dont knwo the detail of your story so hope soem of these ideas are appropriate

moondog · 26/03/2006 10:39

Lovely ideas here jmg.
Do you get out the photo albums with them on a regular basis??

SPARKLER1 · 26/03/2006 10:42

Ah such a touching thread. JMG I don't know what has happened in your life with the loss of your sister and mum either - and totally agree with the others you are amazing.
I also think that the children will come to you when they are ready to ask questions.
Happy mother's day to you. xx

HappyMumof2 · 26/03/2006 10:50

I think jmg1 has lost his partner & mother - not sister.

jmg1, you sound like you are doing all the right things. As has already been said, when they are ready, they will ask.

Might be nice to mention Mother's Day and talk about their mum today though.

SPARKLER1 · 26/03/2006 10:53

Blush sorry

Original poster
jmg1 · 26/03/2006 11:00

Just need to clarify:
I lost my DP the mother of our children, then I lost my sister, then I lost my mother all within 3 months of each other.
Last year my grandmother died she was the only grandparent that I knew.
I have no contact with my father.

OP posts:
SPARKLER1 · 26/03/2006 11:02

JMG - I really admire your strength after all your losses. To look after three children at such a young age as well.
How are you feeling today?

HappyMumof2 · 26/03/2006 11:05

oh jmg1 Sad you have a lot on your plate. It's so hard being a single parent, even harder in your situation, having experienced so many losses.

You will reap the rewards one day, when your children grow up into lovely people who you know you have loved and protected and done your best for, all on your own Smile

muma3 · 26/03/2006 11:18

jmg1 i am so sorry i had no idea that it was your partner that your children were missing so much you poor soul. what a wondeful person you are and i feel for you so much. i hope that your children realise what a brave dad they have and that they can seek some comfort knowing that they have such a fabulous father in there lifes that obviously cares so much with all you have had to cope with.

i really dont know what to say Sad

just give them a big hug and tell them its ok to cry and be sad and miss mummy and that you do too and you can all comfort each other .

(((((((huge hugs))))))))))))

Moomin · 26/03/2006 11:19

I lost my mum when i was 9 and my brother was 7. My dad used to make an effort to talk about our mum on mothers day so that it wasn't all feeling sad but remembering her and talking about what was nice/fun/happy about her. We sometimes got the photo album out too.

But if you feel too sad to do this, it's understandable. We also learned that a 'mum' can come in all shapes and sizes, e.g. big and male! and although it wasn't quite the same, we also tried to make a fuss of dad on mother's day, although this will come later for your lot.

Our dad gets a mother's day card every year and has done since we were teenagers. He still gets one even though we're all grown up now. I really hope you can turn this potentially sad day into a happy one for you and your kids. If it's all too painful seeing all the programmes and images about mothers day why don't you and the kids go out for the day and make it special for you and your own little family, so that you have some nice memories of this day. I think it's best not to ignore it completely though.

Hope it goes well. You're doing a brilliant job xx

lafemmequipensequelleestunchap · 26/03/2006 11:22

jmg - for what it's worth (which is probably not much) my understanding of situations like this is that the children will pick up messages/vibes from you. I think unless you let them know clearly that the door is open for them to talk they probably won;t do it entirely off their own bat. Your children will have been doing Mother's day stuff at school and/or picked it up from their friends. If you don;t say anything they will notice and they will be left to their own devices to interpret your silence. I think it's is quite likely they will think you don;t want to talk and they may be quite imaginative in working out why. I think on the one hand you're right to be sensitive and not overwhelm them, but, like I said, I think you need to open the door. Why not ask them? - would you like to look at some photos of mummy? they might say no, and that would be fine, you might have to juggle with one or two of them saying yes and the other saying no. Do they have any other close adult friends? you might want to suggest that they could look at photos and have a think about mummy with them, if they would prefer. thinking of you and your family (and apologies for calling you a maternal goddess - but still think you are amazing if you have time to take photos on the way to school)

Original poster
jmg1 · 26/03/2006 11:41

I have had a litte chat with the kids, dd(4) says shes wants the au pair to be her mummy.
dd(5) has stomach bug so I did not take them swimming as planned, made flap jacks with dd(4), going to kick football around with ds then go out for lunch. I normally always do a roast but its nice to go out sometimes instead.

My kids have all made me some nice cards for fathers day (here) last sunday and also for mothers day today. They are lovely kids and they had a lovely mummy.

I will always do the best I can for them and I am strong but deep down I am very sad/lonely person.

OP posts:
utterlyconfused · 26/03/2006 11:54

I am sitting her with tears rolling down my face. My children are the same age as yours. Your little one is so small she must have very little recollection of her mummy (which is why it just seems to her to be a Situation Vacant!)and that must be difficult for you and for the others sometimes. You seem a really amazing person. Everyone else has already written what I think about Mothers' Day, so I won't repeat it all. I just feel so sad for you all. What an enormous amount of loss.

lou33 · 26/03/2006 12:03

jmg i have no idea what you could say or do, but i just wanted you to know i am thinking about you, and to thank you for your phone call yesterday

also, you know if you need to talk that you can call me dont you?

arfissimeau · 26/03/2006 12:11

Oh JMG, my heart is breaking for you and your family. You sound like you're doing a wonderful job bringing them up and I think you should follow their lead. Certainly keep their mum's memory alive in a happy and accessible way.

You sound so strong, it must be difficult to be the the one left after so many losses. Keep posting if you need some support. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you all. Whereabouts are you?

lou33 · 26/03/2006 12:12

he is in portugal atm, but is coming back to the uk later in the year

arfissimeau · 26/03/2006 12:47

Thanks Lou. How are you doing BTW?

JMG. Keep posting if we can help you feel less alone.

lou33 · 26/03/2006 12:51

i am ok ty, but have you changed your name?

arfissimeau · 26/03/2006 12:56

Yes. I don't think we talked too much before tho, I was PinotGrigio I think at the time. You put me in touch with SarahinPhuket when I was looking into working there.

Prufrock · 26/03/2006 13:48

Jmg - I'm not sure if you remember but my Mum died when I was 2 and she was never talked about by my family, whcih affected me hugely. I think the onus is on you to keep subtly reminding your kids that it's Ok to talk about their mum. So no "big conversations", but just bring her into everyday things - mention when a favourite song of hers comes on, or if you see flowers/art that she loved, or eat one of her favourite/hated foods - it's tiny things like that- the sort of stuff you would tell yoru kids about yourselfand your own past - that will keep her alive in their memories. And I would have loved my Dad to have told me that my Mum would have been proud of me, or that I hadher eyes - he never said either to me until my wedding day - whch was totally the wrong time as I was already in emotional overload.

Good luck. You are doing a great job already, and with caring about your kids so much they will be able to deal with the loss of their Mum.

lou33 · 26/03/2006 15:34

Oh yes i remember!

I saw her recently in Phuket

satine · 26/03/2006 16:06

I hardly feel qualified to offer any advice, but it seems to me that it would be nice to keep the memories of your dp as alive as possible for your children, so that she still feels like part of your everyday lives. I'm sure that's what you already do, and I also know that you can't all dwell on the past all the time but I agree that the children might otherwise feel that perhaps talking about their mum is too painful for you. But what do I know?! It does seem fatuous to tell you that I think you must be doing a tremendous job and that your love will be keeping your children strong and supported, as you have no choice, really, but if thoughts and support can be sent online than you have mine!