Hi, I have been going round and round in circles for 5 and a half years with my ex. We have one 6 yr old daughter (sorry, don't know all the abbreviations!). Up until now, the arrangement has altered around once a year. He has done and said so much since we split. These are just a few things:
Had a letter from school about TT day which he did not pass on. Went to the school to pick her up to find the school closed and a text from him at 3.30 on the dot, telling me about the TT day and that I could come pick our daughter up from his.
He spoke to her last year, telling her in not so many words that she must feel different to all her friends because their mums and dads all live in the same house. He has done this as well as constantly threatening to tell her how "I wrecked his family" and "what I'm like". After he spoke to her she woke up in the night crying, something she has very rarely ever done.
He took to me court in 2010 for custody but quickly withdrew this when he realised he didn't stand a chance. He then persued getting his days/nights set which at the time, I had left uni due to illness and my daughter hadn't started school, so he ended up with every weekend. When she started school, I thought he would see reason and change this since she would never be spending any quality time with me during the week. Nope, I'd phone him crying, begging to him to let me have her on the weekend (big mistake - he enjoyed that power so much). After returning to uni when I got better, I then had to leave again so that I could spend those few hours after school with my girl. This culminated in me going to the school to pick up my daughter one friday. I'd asked/told/warned him I'd be coming to the school. He had a few days notice. When I got there (I had to have a lift from my father as my car was knackered) it turned ugly very quickly, with him bundling her into his van, punching my dad (who is weed bless him) and threatening to call the police. My poor girl was crying and asking for me so he reluctantly handed her over.
A few weeks ago during the holidays. he had her on the last weekend. He also had two extra nights the weekend before so I told him I'd be picking her up on the Sunday evening. I knew I'd had to co-ordinate this with his recent ex (whom he has a 3 yr old son with) as I knew she'd be picking him up then. When he saw me, he slammed the door in my face with my daughter on the other side. He eventually came out, shaking with anger, repeatedly asking me "why am i doing this?". The entire incident upset our daughter (though she has been fine since).
He has moments of what I can only describe as 'psychotic anger' when he sends me and his ex the most disgusting texts, calling us all the names under the sun, blaming us for his family being wrecked and calling us bad mothers. On more than one occassion now in the past year, he has said 'he won't be held responsible for his actions' (I don't know what he means by this - he doesn't explain himself but his mother has been sectioned twice for suicide attempts and he has said things to our daughter before). That worries me a great deal and he said this only recently to his ex when he phoned her very angry.
This is becoming a thesis, let alone an essay but rest assured there's so much more that has happened in the past 5 and a half years.
Very recently I have tried to change the days he has our daughter as he sometimes has her when she has school and he has to get up quite early, drop her at his mums and go to work. His mum then ends up taking her to school. She is getting very tired on these days and confused about the alternate days every other week. I have tried to change this to every wednesday evening which made him blow his top, try to change his son's days around, culminating in him sending his ex and I a text saying he wasn't go to see his kids anymore. A week later he is acting like nothiing happened asking when he's having his daughter but still being abusive towards me.
I now NEED all this to stop. I have hit my head against enough brick walls. Many friends and family tried to tell me to get this sorted from the beginning but at the time, I felt like I needed to keep the peace wherever possible. This has not worked. He is constantly trying to get one over on me, be the control master and undermine me and he is clearly happy to use his daughter to achieve this.
My solicitor has advised me to stop all contact, forcing him to take me back to court. He will receive the letter in a day or two and obviously the is going to hit the fan. It feels extreme to be doing this and I really don't know what's for the best. My daughter has only briefly asked twice in the past fortnight is she is going to her dad's and if anything her behaviour is improving and she seems a lot more settled. All I know is I've tried for too long to appease him and compromise and nothing I've done until now has ever eased the situation.
The only way I would feel comfortable with him seeing her right now would be if it was supervised for a few hours but I do not trust his mother and sister, and I don't know how I would set that up other than through the courts. My sister, who is a SW has just advised me to phone CAFCASS which I am about to do but the advice and support on the net for mothers in similar positions to me is woefully inadequate. Loads of advice if you're a bitter ex like mine on the fathers for justice type sites.
I need to feel like I'm doing the right thing. I know no one can tell me that but myself and I was under no illusions how hard this would be but my god this IS hard!