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Original poster

have I thrown it all away?!

15 replies

dippyeggs · 30/09/2012 17:06

After a 12 year marriage and 1 ds (5) and 1 dd (3) I have end my marriage early this year. It wasn't that we weren't getting on, just that I have always felt something was missing and I had to try stupidly hard to keep things happy between us, and it got to the point where I simply couldn't stabd physical contact anymore. Like he was my brother. What do I do? I wish it were different. He moved out v hurt, has been amazing really as he is a great bloke.

I wondered if perhaps you strong women could help me get a little perspective.. I have read some of your incredible threads and feel like I am just selfish and stupid but really can't see a way back either.

Ds and dd seem ok, they see their dad twice a week and haven't seen any fights we have managed to keep it friendly in front of them. They have a sense of loss I think but seem ok I hope..

I have spent today feeling like I just want to die. I was seeing someone else and the connection there was simply amazing and made me so sure my marriage was wrong (like a brother) but I have ended it as he is fucked up over his ex and makes no time for me as he has to work all the time. It got to the point where he just ignored me, made me feel insane. And act a bit insane too :(.

OP posts:
cheesestrung · 30/09/2012 18:21

Hi
you have my sympathy. I was with my exH 13 yrs and divorced him after 2 yrs separation. No connection. we were living alongside each other. I met someone new aswell and had a similar effect to yours, which yes made me realise what it was like to feel sexy, a woman again.. but he was lacking in other ways for me. I ended it. I went to relate and the councellor said it is unlikely to meet the right person straight away and many people choose unsuitable men after marriage break up. See it that you have had a lucky escape.
I too think, have i thrown it away, but you have to keep moving forward. Are you divorcing? How long were you "seeing" someone else?
My exh is very good person really but there is nothing there and i wouldnt want to spend a lot of time around him...
keep moving forward ;-)

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2012 18:23

Sounds like you are still getting to grips with it all, and it takes time, and I'm not completely there yet. It is possible to have counselling at Relate on your own, help you sort out your head. It is means tested, so you pay what they think you can afford, or you may not have to pay at all. It helps a lot of people I am told.

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2012 18:25

Cross posted with Cheese, see it does help some people!

cheesestrung · 30/09/2012 18:27

i am still coming to terms with it all, 3 years later, now the most recent relationship has ended i feel i am going through it all again??? yes relate definitely helped me

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2012 18:38

Someone on here recently, might be on Relationships, that it is common to find the end of the first relationship post split quite devastating, out of proportion to the length of it iuswim.

Original poster
dippyeggs · 30/09/2012 19:43

Thanks so much for your responses this is the first time I have posted on Mumsnet. I know deep in my heart that this new chap I was seeing - whilst there is so so much there, he is not for me long term as he just can't do it, but I tried so desperately hard as can't bear being on my own. My kids are truly great but I am so lonely and all my friends are in happy relationships with young kids therefore I don't seem to have anyone to spend time with when I don't have the kids. Any ideas? Cheesestrung - Yes we are divorcing, I was seeing this new chap on and off since the split really but as a good friend of mine said this week - he does me more harm than good as he can't seem to handle any sort of relationship. Yet when I am strong enough to walk away he comes back saying he missed and loves me and I really love him back so it makes it hard. I messaged him this morning saying I felt it best we end things and typically have heard nothing. I have to be strong this time.

Anyone have any ideas on meeting other single mums??

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2012 20:18

Maybe post something on MN local? What are (roughly) are you in eggs?

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2012 20:28

Area. Not What are you. Presumably you are a person.

Original poster
dippyeggs · 30/09/2012 21:06

Ha! Yes think I am a person! Maidenhead Berks. Thanks xx

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ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2012 21:57

Nowhere near me, but might get something out of local...also there used to be something called Meet a Mum where they put you in touch with each other (not MN, in that other place, RL...!

cheesestrung · 01/10/2012 00:15

hi there
i am no-where near you but am happy to pm my e-mail address if you'd like to chat. :-)

soontobedivorced · 01/10/2012 01:17

Eggs, I was in similar situation, ex a good guy in lots of ways but we just weren't happy together, were together since I was 18. Sometimes it feels like the grass is greener and I should have stayed in my crappy marriage as so many people do, but 2 years on I have to say I am much happier single than I was married and YOU CAN MANAGE AND YOU CAN DO IT. I desperately looked for a man to fill the gap and ended up with all sorts of unsuitable men and it never lasted. Now I am trying to be content on my own, its not easy, and I want a relationship terribly, but I tell myself compared to being married this is better, and now I have the chance to find someone I can be happy with and would not have had that chance otherwise. Lots of people told me I was brave - you are - many people stay in unhappy situations out of fear but you did what you had to do.

Also yes I have felt like I wanted to die every time a relationship ended. I realised I was expecting too much of them and I needed to get more independent so a man was no longer so important to be - rather an added bonus. Also I had to stop dating as emotionally it was tearing me to pieces. So I am off the dating sites now. But I have joined social groups so I can get out and about, meet other singles, have a flirt, and generally enjoy myself and my time is much better spent doing that than on the dating grind.

Hope that helps.

soontobedivorced · 01/10/2012 01:20

Something else I have also realised. The guy that makes your legs go weak is probably not the right guy. I've found that I might be very attracted to a guy but then I get to know him and all manner of red flags go up. Now I'm looking for someone with other qualities such as kindness. It would be great if could find awesome sexual spark + great bloke but its going to be tricky I think.

Original poster
dippyeggs · 01/10/2012 17:20

Thanks so much soontobedivorced that does help. Makes me despair a little too but I value and appreciate your honesty and agree the legs go weak doesn't always = suitable and kind :(. I am doing exactly that - trying to fill the gap I mean. How did you find social groups - were they other single mums?

OP posts:
Original poster
dippyeggs · 01/10/2012 17:21

thanks cheesestrung not sure how pm works but yes that would be nice

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