What do I say to DD? She's started to notice how her Dad behaves

[Mydogsleepsonthebed]

DD is just about to turn 13. She and I had a conversation this morning and it's become clear that she is realising very clearly exactly what her Dad (my ex) is like. And the stuff she's picking up on are some of the main reasons my marriage ended.

Do I keep to the line I've had since we separated of never mis-calling him or do I give her the validation of acknowledging that she's absolutely on the money and completely and utterly right?

I said a lot of "I can see you're upset" "you're obviously very angry"

She's now gone to play a hockey match so hopefully some of the rage will be burnt off on the hockey pitch God help the opposition

And I also think, choco, that the bit in your quote about letting them see you model a good and healthy relationship is good advice.

You have done well to keep your opinions to yourself thus far, however, she's growing up now, she's noticed his behaviour/attitude for herself and it's important, as you say, that you support her and make her secure in her judgements. You wouldn't be doing her any favours if you in anyway made her doubt herself/her ability to read the signals.

It's not a shame she's seeing him for what he is - it's a shame he is what he is... and sadly, you can't change that (or he probably wouldn't be your ex!!).

ChippingIn - you too are spot on. It's a good thing that she's spotting what he's like, because if I handle it right she'll spot the red flags in her own future relationships and not end up with someone like him, but it is a shame he is like this.

I am reading this with great interest. My DS is making noises about his dad that indicate he understands exactly what his dad is like.

I don't go down the road of mis-calling my ex either so agree it is very difficult.

DS was describing something his dad had done and added on the end ' but you know what dad's like!'

I burst out laughing because I do indeed know what his dad is like and the behaviour my DS had described was entirely typical of him.

I stay very, very non committal but when he asks what I think I do say to him that it's not important what I think, it's important what he thinks as it is something affecting him directly. He is a lovely boy, kind and trustworthy which I tell him every day. Therefore he knows he is capable of thinking these things through by himself.

I am happy to be a sounding board but do try not to push my 'agenda' although I have to bite my lips frequently.

I can add that I do try very hard but am not always successful!

It's so difficult isn't it?

My mum used to use the phrase "some people" a lot to avoid direct criticism, so for example when your DD said her dad is selfish, you could agree in principle by saying "yes, some people find it hard to put others first" or similar.

That's a good tip. Please keep them coming.

Some people .... Is good as it won't be just her dad in life she has to deal with ....

I think it is right to affirm and validate "yes that behaviour is not nice ". Etc.

Confirming an action or behaviour is out of order is not the same as saying " your dad is an abusive w;;;;;; "

Which doesntq stop ex from telling dd when he can " your mother is abusive " .. Hey Ho

cestlavie - that's great advice.

Thank you all I really do appreciate it.

I think I would try to keep it about her, and how she feels, rather than bring your own relationship with him/thoughts about him into it. I know when I was about her age I began to criticise my dad to my mum, and all her feelings about him poured out. Actually it was quite hard to deal with really, and underneath it left me feeling my mum was quite bitter. (It was only much later as an adult and as a mum I see things very differently and empathise with her and how she was at the time.)

I would let her see for herself how happy you are without him, and like someone else said just ask open ended questions/ reflect her feelings back ("why do you think that?"/ "that must have been difficult"). If she starts to question you just say you found things hard and that you're happier now and leave it at that!

I think I'm upset and annoyed because I didn't want him to ever treat her in a way that would mean that she had reason to know he was an arse. IYSWIM?

My DDs are 13 and 15. The 13yo is aware of some issues but at a minor level. The 15yo has been the recipient of full-on emotional abuse by her dad for several months now and has cut down the time she spends with him as she is always miserable there. He is only pleasant when his girlfriend is around, but turns the charm back off whenever he is alone with DC again.

I have been quite honest with eldest DD about my own experiences and it has helped her understand that it is not her fault and that dad cannot see her point of view. She has used text and email to try to explain her feelings as well as talking to him. All she gets back is a load of accusations and comments that destroy their relationship even further. She has just started counselling through her school.

I honestly think there would be no benefit for her if I pretended he was a nice man and let her think she was the problem, not him.

your children need and deserve to know the truth....just the truth but dont slag him off cos they will resent you later....just tell them the truth it will help them understand why you two are able to be together

Thanks everyone.

OP you sound like a great mum with good instincts. She already knows you're not trying to slag her dad off. I think as long as you're sensitive about it it's more important to validate her and hear her than to try to remain neutral at all costs, so long as it doesn't spill over into just gratuitously slagging him off/pursuing your own agenda (which it won't from sounds of it)

my dd has also been noticing stuff about her dad so I really sympathise. I tend to mostly listen but will occasionally say 'yes, I know what you mean' or 'that sounds difficult' or 'it sounds like you feel ... etc'

I like the 'some people... ' tip that's one I'll be using!