First Directions Appt/CAFCASS/Solicitors nightmare... any advice appreciated...

[poppy26]

Had a look through previous threads but am new to mn and am having trouble finding things!

Wondering if anyone could offer any advice. Maybe been through the same situation?

One year ago my exP visited his solicitor regarding contact and PR for our son. Our arrangement was bi weekly (suggested by him) on a sunday and that was infrequent due to holidays/wkends away with new girlf. etc. now exP wants all weekend (Fri after school till Mon morning dropping him off at school).

In response to his letters I went to a solicitor and letters have been going back and forth all year. The whole thing has been emotionally exhausting. The solicitor was acting for me under the legal aid scheme as I only work 16 hours a week. The situation at the moment is that The Legal Services Comission worked out my disposable income and asked me to pay over a hundred pounds a month towards my solicitors fees or I would be liable to pay the fees accrued since last year. As I feel I was misled about legal aid by my solicitor and do not have this money spare (they said it is disposable income, they have obviously never tried running a house on one part time income!)I had to pay one month, cancel the certificate and cancelled my solicitor and now am representing myself.

I have my first directions appointment tomorrow and although have read as much as I can on the internet I still am wondering what it is going to be like. I have been so worried all weekend, cleaned my house spotless!, but would love any advice.

I know my exP will probably get PR, but I worry what this means for us. I also think a CAFCASS officer would be involved as I do not agree with this Friday after school until Monday morning (taking him to school) (although let me make it clear that I happily agreed with him started slowly and having him alternate sat nights and sat/sun day).

I believe I have the right to suggest he comes back to me Sun night before school monday? (otherwise I will feel like Im leaving him at school for 3 days... ohh horrible).

I feel I have been reasonable and this year he has started staying with his dad alternate sat nights but he hates it. Apart from the two weekends my exP cancelled (?!@'*) he has had him 4 times and every time I get calls with him screaming down the phone that he wants to come home. Last time I went over to get him he was so upset.

I understand its not the worst situation to have with an ex (not violent or anything) but its horrible it is making DS so miserable. Will a CAFCASS listen to what he thinks??. he is a very bright 5 yr old. What does a CAFCASS say to a child of his age? I have asked him what he wants and he "wants to see daddy in the days but not nights". He only started school in Sept and I hate this dragging on, it cant be good for him.

Does anyone know where I might stand?

Sorry to hear this, can't really offer advice only that with my step-daughter we used to pick her up at 6pm on a Friday from her mum's and take her back there on a Sunday night at 6pm, every other weekend.

Only stopped when she was abot 15 and her "social life" dictated it more!!

This worked really well for all of us, it gave her time to finish with school and then get prepared again.

Not really any advice only that I agree with you, good luck.

I would say find that £100 per month and have a representative. This is too important to operate on guesswork. You'd never forgive yourself later if it went wrong through your lack of legal knowledge.

Hi Poppy. My dh went to Court to get pr and contact with his dd. We couldn't afford the solicitor's fees, so he represented himself. It was fine, the judges seemed really sympathetic to him and he felt he was able to get away with saying more than he would have done had he been represented, because they made allowances for the fact that he didn't know the Court protocol.

You have explained things really clearly, and you sound lovely and very reasonable. I would have thought that if you can present yourself in the same way to the CAFCASS officer and the Court you'll be OK. You can always instruct a solicitor later on if you feel you're getting out of your depth.

My dh got PR and in practice it has meant very little. It means that he should be involved in major decisions, such as which school dsd goes to and hr religion. It has been helpful for things like getting schools to invite dh to parents evenings and sports days, he's been able to speak to her doctor and dentist when he's needed to, and if she were ever with us and needed medical treatment dh could sign for it, instead of having to wait for her mum to travel over 80 miles to do so. It hasn't meant dh taking over any of the decisions her mum makes on dsd's behalf on a day to day basis.

If your son doesn't like the overnight stays with his dad, that should be your argument for why he should come back to you on a Sunday night. The CAFCASS Officer will be looking at what is in your son's best interests and I would have thought that was a better argument than you missing him, which is really about you and your feelings rather than your son.

I would suggest writing everything down, record all the dates and times of phone calls and things like when you had to go to collect your son. Then when you see the CAFCASS Officer you can refer to it and you won't get flustered and forget things. And just be clear with them exactly what you will agree to and give clear reasons why you won't agree to what you don't want to.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Thank you all for your messages. I worked myself up into a bit of a state about Monday but when it came to it it was exactly like you described in your first paragraph surfermum, the judge seemed sympathetic towards me and I am now glad that I represented myself (needed to hold emotions in!) but I explained things clearly and was factual. The solicitor for my ExP got so much of the information wrong, they clearly hadnt seen each other for weeks before they went in. The judge agreed with me about taking things at a pace our son could deal with. ExP went in with a list of demands i.e. taking him on holiday etc... at the end of the meeting he left court with less than when he went in. The judge agreed that our son needed more time to settle into the routine as it is at present and we are meeting again in 3 months. He suggested daytime contact again until our son has gained more confidence in the whole thing. I was v pleased that i had the backing of this professional especially after attending mediation last year where this guy just talked at me and told me I was doing things wrong.... now have a little confidence that i will be listened too next time. Would still be interested if anyone knows what CAFCASS officers say to children, however I have a feeling now that we may not even meet one. Thanks again for your messages, feeling much better about things.

Well done. That's good news. I'm pleased it went well for you.