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Can you have expectations on a partner when their not his children?

11 replies

wheelycote · 19/09/2012 11:58

I've been advised by friends that when its not his kids you can ask of him but not expect of him.

Is this the general consensus?

OP posts:
AlmostAGoldHipster · 19/09/2012 11:59

Most definitely IME.

littlebluechair · 19/09/2012 12:03

You might have to be more specific - what are you asking him to do/not do?

Also it depends is he a new bf, a long term bf, a live-in partner or a husband?

I'm a SM, so I'm the one being asked/expected.

Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 19/09/2012 12:14

Agree with everything littlebluechair has said above

purpleroses · 19/09/2012 12:21

I think you can't have automatic expectations - you have to talk and agree what each of you expect or want to offer. I generally expect things of DP if they don't put him out too much (eg him to babysit once in a while if he's going to be in anyway). But he has kids too and the reality is I do a lot more for his kids than he does for mine (because he works longer hours). I usually expect him to ask though, or let me offer, rather than assume I'll do things.

MakeItALarge · 19/09/2012 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheelycote · 19/09/2012 12:39

We've been together 4 years and living together 2.

He has a business which starts at 5am -10pm. A business partner going for the past two years so still new but there's a nice team. He starts at 5am and between that and 10pm he comes home to and fro. At the weekends if someone rings in sick he covers to save on wages.

I know he's tired very tired.

Given that his hours are so unpredictable asking for help with childcare is hit and miss. I work part time and unfortunately its shifts but its a decent paid job for the hours i do. Im keeping us a float as he can't take much in wages from his business. I work shifts at the weekends so family 1 1/2 hours away can look after kids. Its really not ideal but for the wages......

Given it not being ideal i've set my own business up and in my 2nd year and not pulling enough to leave my job as yett. But Im tired very tired and lonely and isolated. I work the main part of the business whilst the kids are at school and other bits I get done sort off whent he kids are about.

Im struggling, desperate to mix with other people, have a conversation, laugh, be human. An exercise class?or something to keep me from bouncing off the walls.

He can't guarantee a time he'll be home and is pretty peeved at me for asking. He says im being unreasonable. My reaction right or wrong was to go for a long walk after him and the kids were in bed to stop myself from lamping him one.

OP posts:
MakeItALarge · 19/09/2012 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 19/09/2012 16:04

Those are crazy hours he's working. Can't see how he has time for a relationship with you, let alone with your DCs with hours like that. Can you ask him for a better balance between work and home? And could you find ways of getting out a bit more - maybe with the kids, or in the evenings if he's off to bed early?

littlebluechair · 19/09/2012 20:17

I think your friends are wrong. I don't think he has an obligation to e.g. spend time with your kids but I think in a longish relationship a good partner would be making sure you were ok - so occasionally making sure you had time to go to a gym class or whatever. And you would do the same for them.

To be honest, if you have kids and your partner (not bf or gf, but proper 'partner') isn't willing to share a little of the burden, they're not much cop are they?

Not guaranteeing a time he is home, ever, doesn't sound very respectful or kind towards you.

NatashaBee · 19/09/2012 20:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mabelsadvice · 20/09/2012 11:53

Personally I have pretty high expectations of DH although he's not DS's bio father. I think when you marry someone who has dc you become part of a family, with all the rewards and compromises that entails. Also, if you are planning to have more dc in the future, how he treats you with your dc now is an indication of how he'll behave in future. DS has no contact with his bio father and we get no maintenance, but DH has taken on full responsibility of family expenses and childcare when I've been ill or unemployed, without trying to escape them by pointing out that he's not biologically related to DS. For him, it's pretty irrelevant.

DH works hard too, very long hours, but he makes an effort to have some early nights several times a week once we got married and became a family unit. I don't think your DP views himself as the adult male in the family, but still as a single male who can do as he pleases without the responsibility of a family. And I'm surprised your relationship isn't struggling more, as it sounds like you don't manage to spend much time together.

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