exh making son unhappy

[lizzieoak]

I am not sure what's going on with the exh. We've been divorced almost 7 years, yet (exhaustingly) he never changes the way he speaks to me, he's stuck forever in the bullying dynamic he pursued when we were married.

Our daughter, age 17, refuses to see him (for over a year). Our son, age 12, has spent the last two weeks trying to avoid seeing his dad, claiming that easing into a new school has been stressful and that as his dad is a "really bad listener" he can't deal with the stress. After refusing to see him again last night (or call his dad to tell him he wasn't coming over: I texted him so of course it's all my fault he wouldn't go) his dad called every 5 minutes (literally) until I unplugged the phone (he was also calling my cell repeatedly).

This morning, after listening to the messages and hearing his dad saying he could quit football if he wanted etc, our son called him back and agreed to go over tonight. He sounded okay with it, maybe resigned. I feel like there may be more of a reason than that his dad's a "bad listener" but that's all the information I'm getting so far.

So tonight his dad calls (son is there overnight). He refuses to bring him to meet me in town a couple of hours early so I've got to go into town for a morning appointment, home, then back into town again (to pick up shoes in the sales that can't be held any longer). Of course if his dad has a football game or drinks with friends he's perfectly happy to drop him off early!

This summer his dad's parents paid for him and my dear boy to go to see them in their home country for 2 weeks. Son had a good time. Now the idiot's girlfriend is offering to pay for them all to go to Florida to Disneyworld etc for a week. I feel that a) he's been away enough this year already and needs to get back into his routine (he also went to summer camp for 3 weeks) b) he's just started a new school and shouldn't be missing a week c) I really worry about his dad's influence on him as he's a misogynist and just really critical of people in general (worse on women, really hates fat people, gay men, and anyone with any religion).

I truly wish the man would get run over by a bus because he just introduces stress into our lives all the time. Sure it sounds nice taking him on holiday but it's never at his own expense (apart from the summer hol when his parents paid his gf always pays) and my boy comes back going on about obese people and how campy men should keep it to themselves and all sorts of things that aren't okay things to put in a kids' head.

So what to do? Generally about my son not wanting to see his dad as much and now about this holiday? I said it was Meet the Teacher on Tues and after talking to the teachers I'd let him know if ds is settling in okay but he started in on the bossing and how I had to let him know This Weekend.

Wrt the trip, leave it in the hands if the school, tell him he has to seek permission from school and see what tge school says.

As fir not wanting to see his dad, this will be though but I think is the only thing you can do if you want to avoid ending having a court battle over this. Reasure your son that things will be ok, that is only one night, etc etc. but start keeping a record of things that are not going well. You will need this revord to prove it is better for DS to have a reduced contact if things come to the worse.

If your son doesn't want to see him why would he go on holiday with him?

I know DisneyLand is an attractive proposition but tell your son he doesn't have to go.

We don't live in the UK so he doesn't need permission from the school. Our son is legally old enough that he can make the decision not to see him if he wants, the problem is is that he's a real people pleaser, and he does love his dad, so will see him even if he doesn't want to because he feels guilty about it.

I'm not sure how he feels about Disneyland as I only spoke to his dad last night about it. His dad is always like this "there's an important decision to be made and you must make it within 24 hours!". He's a real Chicken Little, everything's a panic, the sky is always falling.

I think now my daughter and I are more or less removed as targets (she is completely, I am somewhat) he's starting to get snappy with our son and that's probably what's behind him not wanting to go over there. I also find the timing fishy: son starts not wanting to go and all of a sudden there's a rush to invite him to Disneyland? Seems like bribery to me, but it may be coincidence.

He does pay support, so that's something, but our lives would be so much more peaceful and positive if he wasn't in them. There's a reason we divorce these people!

Will things get considerably worse for DS if you support him in reducing contact? going

I have exactly the same problem, my oldest has decided no more contact with the ex but my DS is only 8 so I've made the decision for him because even talking to him on the phone is harmful and damaging.

I think your DS is old enough to decide for himself and I suppose you've got to be there for him if it all goes horribly wrong!!!

Best of luck........

Thing is, though, is that my son is easily convinced that his dad's nice now/doesn't want to get into a barny with him so will go over just to keep things quiet.

Plus the big Disneyworld question. Do I say "no" and seem the person who kept him from Disneyworld for the greater good or do I say "yes" and he's exposed to a week of possible verbal abuse and misses a week of school? I'm not sure just how "cranky" (as ds puts it) his dad is with him (cranky in our country means miserable git not eccentric), but the little I've heard he's for sure somewhat miserable.