Am I being a bad mum?

[Ladylou83]

Long story, which I will try to keep brief.

This time last year I had a thread in relationships, had suspicions about H playing away which sadly became a very horrible reality. We have a house together which I left because I couldn't deal with all the emotion of being there but also as I desperately needed the support of my parents in order to earn a crust and raise our 2yr old dd. I wanted to sell the property but H persuaded me to let him stay in it with a lodger till the market was more favourable to the seller. I now live ten doors from parents who have been a massive support.

H is terrible at seeing dd, quite often a month between visits, no texts/calls to ask how she is even though we work at the same place and regularly come into contact. I send him photos a few times a week as I want to him to remember she does exsist. He often lies and says he is at work and can't have her yet he forgets I work here too and know that he isn't working etc. When he does have her, something always goes very wrong. She has been to the docs as a result of his care three times now. The last resulted in HIV getting involved.
He soon got rid if the lodger and moved ow in without telling me. My colleagues knew long before I did. When I found out I decided to get on with the divorce as didn't need the constant lies. The solicitor has been brilliant. Has given all the normal advice but also got the ball rolling.

H and I tried to see if we could sort out the financial seperation by ourselves and got no where so I followed sols advice and sought mediation. H is now saying he can't afford mediation and won't be attending. He is calling several times a day and texting telling me if I don't do what he and ow want (as in no mediation) and don't solve it without extra cost then he won't see dd at all. Alongside all this he took his chance to slag off my parenting, saying that im a shit mum, that I'll ruin our daughter etc etc basically made me feel crap, he has a really intimidating way.

Basically do I bow down and make sure Dd maintains contact with her dad at the sake of my pocket, knowing that contact with both parents is best for her, or do I stand strong on attending mediation knowing that he will make dd suffer in not seeing her.

Sorry I've rambled a bit and not sure I've got it all across but could really do with some opinions. I know you'll probably question why I want her to maintain contact with someone who seemingly can't care for her, but she loves her dad even if I think he is an awful twunt

Oh goodness it is long. Sorry x

I don't often answer these threads but I felt I had too.........
Do not be a doormat and give him what he wants. I learnt from being in the same situation people will bully and threaten to get what they want! Why would he say you were a bad mum? Because of all the time and energy he puts in HIS relationship with her?...........clearly not!

Take a deep breath, do not reply to messages unless they are childcare related and follow your solicitors advice. Get what you are entitled too and bollocks to him........

And unfortunately I learnt the hard way you cannot force someone to be a good parent. Don't send numerous pictures....from his threats I would say he isn't that interested. Who uses their child as financial leverage?

I feel so cross for you...........

Just follow the advice, seek mediation and do what the solicitor says. He only wants to shaft you by 'doing it under the table'.....

Rant rant rant.........poor you :{

If you let him walk over you regarding this, he'll use the threat of stopping contact again and again as a means of getting his own way.

Anyway, I think you need to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that his interest in contact is going to tail off regardless of what you decide about finances. Sure, he'll come up with some way to blame you for his choices but it will all be bullshit.

Any man willing to threaten to stop contact with his own daughter just to browbeat you into saving a few quid is not someone who is a committed and loving father.

That is truly appalling that he would link seeing his own 2 year old daughter to pressure you into agreement about finances.

It is his responsibility to make a financial contribution towards dd and to be a decent father to her.

If he refuses the former you can go to the CSA and force him. If he refuses the latter it's his call as sad as it may be.

All you can do is offer a reasonable solution in terms of contact and child maintenance.

... and of course you are not being a bad mum.

My god you have it bad just now! What a total fool your ex is -well done for getting shot of him and getting back on your feet - you have achieved a lot.
Your commitment to dd having a relationship with ex is admirable and your heart is in the right place but reports from contact as you say suggest his care of her is substandard And this is a stand alone issue which is serious and worrying.

Meanwhile....agree with above that you will help no one by giving in to his childish demands over the divorce. Otoh you and ex may be able to work this out between you as mediation is only a managed forum for you to chat about the finances they can't make you resolve it. Might be a case of writing a list of how you want assets divided and sending it to him for a response and saying to him respond to this sensibly by the end of the week or I'm going through sols and see what happens. If you go through mediAtion they will advise you have to compromise somewhere do think about beforehand what you might let go of Hirt to get things done.
What's the maintenance situation for dd?

What I feel the most strongly about from your story is that you separate divorce proceedings and contact. I thi k you should let the contact go FOR NOW and plan to revisit it down the line when divorce stuff is out of the way -remove the ex opportunity to play silly buggers if you can and concentrate on making life normal for dd in the mean time.

Thank you all for replying I'm really grateful, it will help me be strong.

As far as maintenance goes, so far i haven't involved csa. Unfortunately he massed up quite some debt in my name so we have a dmp that we are currently paying jointly, my half is 60 a month which he pays. He gives me 50 in cash for her. It still falls 90 short per month as to what the csa calculator recommends he pays however whilst my name is still on the house I don't want to risk him defaulting in it and ruining me further.

I do intend on contacting csa as soon as house is sorted.

I feel so sick that he could use such a wonderful little girl as a tool. I have so far kept her out of everything as I couldn't do that to her. I am completely at the point where I just want to walk away from any ties to the house, as it's just not worth the anxiety and stress he is causing me.

I have tried to have a frank discussion with him about the house but he just shouts me down and tells me how unreasonable I am being. The house was purchased for 155k. It's not dropped in value but hasn't gained either. I have asked him to consider buying me out for 6k (I need a newer car and would like to take dd away). It's a small amount really but he says I'm completely unreasonable. Even if I'm wrong, I think a mediator would help us, even if it's not legally binding. But he won't budge on anything.

Lady, that's awful. I've never been married so can't advise on anything related to that but I do think anyone who would use their own child in that way is pretty low.

It's emotional blackmail and I totally understand why you want to maintain contact, that says to me that you are a good mum...but I honestly think that you should stand firm and if he does carry out his threat then that would also say to me she's probably better off without him anyway, as awful as that sounds. I honestly cant imagine how anyone could be so heartless, but I know it happens, it's happened to me over the years. I've let my ex get away with all sorts because I know if I speak up he'll take it out on ds by being moody with him or not seeing him. He's not been a great parent anyway but i've mostly kept my mouth shut because there's always the guilt thing in the back of my mind "It's your fault rolex that he's now got one on him with ds". They certainly know just how to push our buttons that's for sure.

Just now, you're not the only one who thinks your STBX is an awful twunt. So he cheated on you, is using your daughter as a pawn for financial gain, refuses to enter mediation and bullies you with repeated texts then criticises your parenting style? Oh my, how could you have let him run through your fingers?

Please let all thoughts of being a bad mother drift out of your head and focus on cutting communication to the bare minimum. You've been quite nice enough, now get tough for your own financial well being not to mention sanity. Find a vicious female solicitor to strip him down to his underpants then get those too. Metaphorically speaking of course.

FWIW my friend was in a similar situation (no kids mind) and took great pleasure in fighting tooth and nail for everything. She spent her 'winnings' on the solicitor but she did think it made up for the awful emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of her ex. She's now happily recoupled with the nicest man you could wish for your friend to find.

fight for every last penny, i just gave in to get it all over and done with, and know i struggle to meet monthly bills whilst ex say he cant afford his half of kids uniform etc....i end up paying, he is in our 4 bed detached with all my furniture my son and his new fiance and baby, oh and a 4x4 sat on drive........i live in a 2 up 2 down, very happily with my dd partner and not a pot to piss in................

still pisses me off i struggle over every last penny and he lives the life of reily!!!

Don't be fooled, if he can threaten to cut contact, then he doesn't want contact. Full stop. Don't be blackmailed.

My ex wanted half the assets in return for 50 / 50 contact, he didn't get the assets but was offered the contact. Might see him for one weekend on two months nowadays. Not a penny from hom for seven years after divorce.

Like you I've been too soft and so wanted contact for my ds, but these men aren't cut out to be proper parents, so don't allow your child to miss out twice because I can guarantee you will end up poor and dd will end up not seeing her dad.

Basically do I bow down and make sure Dd maintains contact with her dad at the sake of my pocket, knowing that contact with both parents is best for her, or do I stand strong on attending mediation knowing that he will make dd suffer in not seeing her.

And

When he does have her, something always goes very wrong. She has been to the docs as a result of his care three times now. The last resulted in HIV getting involved.

There is something quite contradictory about these two thoughts OP, although I can see that they both flit around in your head. For contact to be the best for her it must be safe! Ending up at the docs with a risk of HIV doesn't seem safe to me. You're right in that DCs having the opportunity to maintain their relationships with both of their parents is the ideal but perhaps she might suffer more from being with him than not seeing him as much (if he truly won't see her). You're in the unenviable position of trying to balance her needs as he won't.

As far as your own position goes, insist on the mediation, and a proper financial settlement for you and his DD. Do not let him tie the two issues together. They are separate and should stay that way.

Health visitor is what I was trying to type not HIV, stupid auto correct, apologies for that. He rubbish with her care but makes her laugh if that makes sense. She comes back with the standard bumps that a 2 year old gets but because he has been careless, doesn't give her calpol because he thinks she is fine, when very clearly not. The worse one was when she came back with raw lady bits that had a little bit of blood on them. Took her to the docs and was questioned about if H was safe for her to be around. Dd was swabbed. Hv informed. H said he caught dd fiddling with herself. Dd is intolerant of orange juice and h knows this, yet had still given it to her on a very rare two night visit causing the rawness on her bits and her fiddling (so the hv thinks) was probably the start of it and she scratched herself. All avoidable if h had listened. He is completely careless.

Well I've not him it, but I'm not backing down. Will call mediator and solicitors Monday. I have already let our company hr department know that his behaviour has changed outside of work and now has potential to change in work. As he doesn't plan on seeing dd I've had to cancel a trip away for the night this week which he agreed to have dd for 3months ago, so a bit gutted but at least I have 2 extra days being at home and can get on with it all

Blimey, I shall save all future posts for when I'm on the laptop as my ability to type on my phone is clearly shocking

Hi Ladylou, you know I am so glad it was HV and not HIV! Don't worry about autocorrect, can't be helped.

Still, it sounds like ExH might think you are exaggerating or just trying to cause him problems by sharing the the issues DD has with things like orange jice. My DS had kiwi fruit issues that make him sore at the ripe old age of 8. Nobody takes it seriously outside the close family so I know what you're up against.

He still has not a leg to stand on claiming you to not be a great mother. You are putting your DD first and I still think you need to do that financially too, notwithstanding the concerns you have over him paying for the house. Even if he is tying to make you feel unreasonable, you are not being. Hold firm for yourself and for your DD.

Very strange day.

I'm at work on a late shift. As I said before I work with stbxh, slightly senior to him (it's the only little bit of pleasure I have over him). Had to visit his department and to my surprise he was in today. He asked me into his office, which I was ok with as he had pilots in there so knew he couldn't make a public display. He asked about dd which he never normally would, replied to him, then he launched into what seemed a very sincere apology for using her to try and solve the house situation. Said that he regretted saying what he said as soon as he said it but because I ended communication then he couldn't apologise and take it back. Asked if he could still have dd this week and told me what he was hoping to do with her.

Accepted his apology gracefully and said that he could see dd on the condition that she comes back with no orange in her system, no bumps and that he calls me so I can say goodnight to her (petty I know but he never normally does). He also has to provide her nappys and clothes, something I always do.

He did ask if I had thought about the house and we came to an agreement that it can go on the rental market for 6 months and we would re asses the situation then. I didn't feel pressurised into anything, I was polite but got my point across without either of us raising our voices and both concerns listened to.

I'm still going to let the solicitor know on Monday about his recent behaviour as I feel it is important that it's not forgotten about.

He explained that his working days are gong to become more structured and that he would like to put some routine into when he sees dd. I have said that providing he proves himself to dd and me that I won't have a problem accepting what he is asking for, but only as long as dd is well cared for and the carelessness stops.

All is not forgiven by a long way, his behaviour the last month especially has made me anxious and left me stressed, but I am glad that he is being more realistic (well hopefully).

Now looking forward to two days with boyfriend being distracted by the fact that this week a year ago my life fell apart

Im just wondering now where the change came from?

After particually nasty phone call from him the another night my df came round to see that I was ok. He asked for fil phone number as he wanted to see if they would finally get involved and make him back off a bit. Don't know if that call was ever made.

Dds godfather is a also a dear friend and colleague and best friend of h. I mentioned the situation to him and he hit the roof that h would do and say that. So not sure if he mentioned something.

I have to say Ladylou, that I'm a bit bothered that the 'change' was there when witnessed by several people. Might not have anything to do with family members getting involved and there maybe something more sinister involved. Mention this 'good' behaviour to your solicitor too.

Of course, I may be a nasty suspicious nosyparker, and he may have seen the light and decided life is easier if you behave well.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels bothered by it. It's very strange. He is working again 2moro (well later today) so will see what he is like if we cross paths again. He has quite a close knit group of friends who are slowly loosing patience with him and his lack of regular contact with dd so I guess any of them could have got wind from the godfather. Maybe I wilriskier fill so they can say hi to dd (but secretly investigate). My last flight has finally landed so I can go home and try and figure it out (sleep is not going to be my friend tonight)

Maybe a bit of peer pressure has got to him? Try to get some rest. If you see him tomorrow remember dignity is your friend and if he is distorting his intentions in front of other people he's sailing very close to the wind because the fall out for him will be catastrophic if he defaults on what he's saying.

PUT THE FOOT DOWN.

Seriously.

If he is using your daughter to try to get his own way, then, believe me, she is better off without.

You can use what you get from the split to provide the best future for your daughter.

He sounds like a t##t of the first nature.