problem with the ex

[lou1181]

Hi Im new to this forum and just wondered if anyone had any advice on a problem I am having with my ex?

We split up about a year ago and have a DD who he sees every fortnight at his place which is 80 miles away from where we live. This arrangement has been fine, hes always paid for our DD promptly to the terms we agreed when we split.

The circumstances have changed recently when my ex in his wisdom met someone else and decided to introduce our DD to her without even letting me know that he'd met someone yet alone discussing introducing our DD.

I found out a few weeks later from my DD about this other woman. I have no issue with my ex moving on, infact id actively encourage it but the fact that my daughter is still finding our split difficult (shes 5) and gets upset about it and that he has aggrevated the situation has left me furious.

I have tried talking to my ex about spending quality time with his daughter on the weekends he has her. In one breath he states he wont introduce his new gf then the next says he may.
Im not happy about this, he only sees DD 4 days in a month and I feel that he should be concentrating on our DD not involving this woman as yet. Ive told him it wont be forever and that he needs to see where this new relationship is going before involving her in my DD's life. She doesnt need the added upset of someone else potentially leaving her either if the relationship doesnt work out. Hes only been seeing this gf for a few months.

I have no trust in what he says anymore as his lies of late have become more and more apparant.

I dont want to stop my daughter from seeing her dad, but for the time being I want him to concentrate on our DD- to help her come to terms with the situation between her mum and dad primarily. I have suggested that if he will not put our DD needs first I will stop her visiting and suggested that he comes up to see her each weekend for one day to take her out until this is resolved to which he will not agree. Hes even threatened to go for full custody over this.

I feel he's putting his own selfish reasons ahead of our DD's needs at present and im in complete limbo as to what to do?

Any Advice would be appreciated.

Let go - let him manage things. He's your ex & won't take kindly to you trying to dictate how he should be with his daughter. As you say, it is only 4 times a month!!!

I completely agree about not introducing any new partners too soon. Me and my XP agreed that we'd have to be seeing someone for a year before introducing dd to them.

So I understand your concern.

But I'm afraid I agree with RedHelen. You can't dictate to him what he does and if you threaten to stop your dd visiting you'll end up causing a deeper rift possibly ending in the horrors of court.

I don't think you'll help the situation by threatening to withhold contact. If he took it to court, he would win. And you could just prompt him into being sneaky about things, or trying to get your DD to cover up where she's been with him. Also, 8 months is a reasoble lenghth of time to start seeing someone new. I've been on both sides of it, as a mum whose ex introduced new woman to the kids very early on (and moved her straight in) and also as a new GF of my DP who has kids - waiting a year would have been a very long time to me, as I needed to know how he was with his kids before I really felt I knew him properly.

Better to help your DD find ways of telling her dad about how she feels. If they've not moved in together, then the new woman will just be like a friend of your ex, as far as your DD is concerned. She won't necessarilly get attached. And if they do move in, then you have really just to accept that that's what he's decided to do. Give your DD as much reassurance and stability as you can when she's with you.

lou. It's horrendous when your DCs are suddenly subject to decisions that you disagree with, but your ex is your DDs dad, and if he thinks she'll be ok with an introduction, then his opinion is just as valid as yours.

Don't withhold contact and disrupt your DD even more - that's will be seen as you dragging your DD into a dispute between you and your ex.

Thanks to all for the advice. I know I can't dictate the terms of contact to DD dad, all I'm trying to do is protect her. She's come back very confused and upset- stating all she just wants to spend time with daddy. I can't very well tell him that as it looks like sour grapes- my DD has been through enough and all I want to do is make her life as less complicated as it already is.
Id never stop contact altogether its important for my DD to see her dad which is why I suggested alternative arrangements. He's threatened custody before and has done so again despite us agreeing that she should stay with me-I think on the subject of custody I need a formal written agreement for peace of mind.

i totally get where you're coming from and yanbu BUT......if i try and tell my (less reasonable by a long way than your ex by the sound of it) how do to anything he gets really defiant to the point where i have to think v carefully about raising anything much.

I digress.....the only thing i can advise is to put a positive spin on it and say something like 'i'm not going to get involved in your private life as its nothing to do with me but i just want you to know that dd REALLY loves her one to one time with you and i think it does her the world of good' - or that kind of thing any way and reinforce it after contact each time 'dd had such a great time going swimming on her own with you' etc etc. this is my plan anyway

If someone suggested that I wasn't fit to see my child at my own house because I had decided to introduce her to my new partner I would be fairly raging, I think. It also puts the child in a position of undue pressure - suddenly after adults have been sorting out decisions, a bump in the road, a change comes along and her contact depends on her emotional reaction. It is an innappropriate level of power. When you meet someone new, if your DD has any anxiety reaction (which is normal, kids don't like change) how eould you feel if your ex said, right, I'll have her with me, you can visit until she is not upset any more...does that sound healthy to you?

Kids need supporting through these kind of changes, not encouragement to think they can prevent a parent forming a new relationship.

balia - re the change in contact etc i entirely agree with you - consistancy is soooo important for kids going through big family changes. sometimes this is underestimated by one/both parent.