Do you all feel like this too?

[Seth]

Hi not posted here for ages but always reading and really appreciate and indentify with the posts on here.
I have a 5 year old DD and 2 year old DS....ex left me when I was pregnant and have been on my own with them for almost 3 years. The whole separation was awful as totally unexpected on my part but fast forward a couple of years and we are happy, I went through therapy, learnt a lot about myself and am happy with things being the way they are for the time being.

The thing that really saddens me though is the lack of time , and quality time that I spend with the kids.I work 4 days a week and only see them for an hour ( getting dressed and rushing) in the mornings then I pick them up exhausted ( all of us) at 6.15 at night when they are undestandably shattered and all they want to do us watch a bit of tv before I do their bedtimes.I do them individually so I at least get 30 mins with them each and them me ...sometimes it's lovely sometimes they are too tired to engage too much but it really saddens me that they miss out on any quality 'me'. We are always rushing, no time to stop and mess around, dance, dress up...in fact they have no time or space to be them as everything is such a rush... DS (2) needs to be in bed by 7.30 and DS (5) by 8 or thereabouts so by the time pyjamas are on, teeth cleaned, milk done etc time is marching on and I start getting stressed that bedtimes will drag out to more like 8.30-9 and the place is still a tip from the morning ( clothes , nappies scattered around...no time to tidy before we rush out in the morning) and I haven't even thought about dinner...and I need to get to bed at a half decent time as stil get woken up a fair bit at night.

I see sham's stilling back home with their DCs ,stopping to look at trees, playing and laughing and being able to spend some time with them after school as they have the time.I feel like my DCs are missing out on things due to my situation which, though not my choice I still feel responsible. My DD is such a lovely spirited thin and is forever wanting to tell me poems she has made up, new dances etc and I feel like I am always telling her to get on with something rather thZn just havin the space to do what a 5 year old should be doing.

Sorry this is all v long and rambling but I hope it's clear what I am trying to say.Any advice on how to get more time with the kids or his I get out of this pleas let me know... Thanks!

Dont beat yourself up, I worked 30 hours as a lone parent and I was knackered. I'd have loved to have spent more time with them but I couldn't. I came home from work every night exhausted (mentally more than anything), found myself snapping at them..the constant fighting and general nastiness, it grinds you down.

Dd too does lots of activities but it never seems enough, i'm always wrong. If it rains on our bike ride it's my fault blah blah....

Dont beat yourself up. When you are a LP unfortunately thats just how it is. I work from home a lot, but am still on the run most evenings. Mine are a bit older and tend to take themselves off to amuse themselves, but I also worry they dont get enough of my time. However, if I didnt work they wouldnt stay in school and have the opportunites they have, so I guess its a double edged sword really

You are doing an amazing job, both at home and outside.

We as LP's run ourselves ragged doing it all, no-one appreciates it - you're lucky if family is even around...

It will get better, honestly. And be good to yourself too. Don't be afraid to have "TIME OUT" - reload your battery so you can be that much better for yourself and them.

You need to give yourself that, cos without you, who would hold the fort?!

And PLEASE don't look at SAHMs - not judging! - or extra-pressured career women, mums as well....

In many ways, we are lucky, no men to boss us around! ;-) ;-) ;-)

We chose this path - of being an LP - and it sure beats many other possibilities.

Mine is 21 now, and at uni, it's a long slog as LP but worth it in the end...

I have 3 kids (16, 7, &3 yrs). I am a part time student and childmind at home 4 days a week before &after school/nursery. The youngest 2 go to their dads one night midweek and 1 night and all day every weekend.

Quality time with 16yr old.... Occasionally when he unplugs himself from mine craft/Xbox/Facebook/homework etc... About 1hr a week tops.
Quality time with 7yr old.... (on her own) About 20 mins at bedtime, 5 days a week
Quality time with 3yr old.... (on her own) about 30 mins mid afternoon, 4 days a week, and 20 mns at bedtime, 5 days a week.

Quality time as a family.... Friday nights.... Sod the housework, sod the bedtimes, dinner infront of the tv, icecream and strawberries favoured pudding, watch a DVD together (even the teen is in the same room though not always watching) so about 1 1/2 hrs? And I try (don't always manage though) to do something fun, usually the teen doesn't want to join in, Saturday afternoons (morning taken up by activities), so about 5 hrs.

I love Friday evenings and Saturday afternoons. Maybe you could set a time each week, and it only needs to be a wee time, to get together and do something fun, or watch a DVD or something like that?
This single parent lark is hard work, it is boring, it stressful and lonely, but doesn't have to be like that all of the time.

On an LP forum in US, one of the best tips I found, is "make your bedroom into your appartment"

So true! You need your own space...

So, put whatever you need in there when you need to escape (even if only for 20 mins LOL).

Hi all thanks for your posts..both the suggestions and the ones that identify with me.

I really like the idea of Friday nights all together doing something fun and forgetting bedtimes for once...DS is probably just old enough to sit through one now...

Yes re my situation I have reached acceptance of the situation for me ( being single, the stress, lack of money , making decisions on your own etc) and as some of you say there are huge benefits of not being accountable to a grumpy 'd'h and emotionally I am much much happier.

What I haven't seemed to reach is acceptance that my DCs are inevitably missing out on some things that their friends do. That's proper time with me spending time doing reading, doing the 'challenges' that the school sets, holidays, gymnastics at the weekend ( exh lives in Brighton, we live in London and gymnastics on a Sunday morning and it's too far to travel back) etc.

There is an expression that I heard recently 'comparison is the thief of joy' which I really liked and try and remember but, I live in an area where there are quite a lot of well off SAHMs who all take their kids to after school clubs, can be with them all the way through the holidays , and who have quality time with them and I find it really hard not to feel for my DD as she is with a childminder ( who is great thankfully) .
I also worry about not being 'enough' for the kids. ... Even with silly things like general knowledge...the kind if useless things a Dad will tell them that I don't know. Does that sound ridiculous or does anyone else feel like that?

He has them every other weekend in Brighton and helps out with 2 pick ups in the week but can't do an overnight in the week die to location.

Anyway be good to head of anyone else shares these concerns...I really try not to compare but it's not that easy sometimes is it?

As a step mum, who sees a single parent (DP's ExP) and what she worries about... I've come to the conclusion that the most important thing is that children are loved, cared for and feel stable and secure in their relationship with the significant adults in their life. It sounds like you're doing that, and that they have regular time with their dad too, which hopefully offers them the same. That's the most important thing to have sorted.

The rest of it is of course great and enriching and fulfilling for children. But I feel it's 'nice to have' rather than absolutely essential. Think about what will be important to them when they're adults - having had a childhood full of clubs, or a childhood where they felt loved and secure?

I know that might come across as a bit simplistic and romantic (and I'm not a full time parent, so I'm not commenting from experience, more from observation and a lot of thinking time!). I think finding ways to fit things in is good - I like the sound of the Friday night time. Are there any things you can do to remove some stresses? For instance, instead of cooking dinner can you use something ready made or simple to do to save time? Maybe a slow cooker on during the day so it's ready when you come in? Lay clothes out the night before so that mornings are less rushed? Apologies if any of those sound condescending, but they haven't all been obvious to me!

Final thought - I love that phrase about comparison being the thief of joy. So true! Stop and look at what you're doing. You're loving your children, providing for them, doing really important caring things like taking the time to put them to bed rather than leaving them to do it on their own, making sure they're looked after by a good person while you're at work, supporting their relationship with their father.. what other people do is their business. You don't know how they're feeling behind closed doors.

Keep smiling - and it will get easier. It suddenly hit me the other day how independent the DSCs were getting (7 & 9 now) and how much more they can do for themselves now!

littlelamby - thanks for that - you speak a lot of sense and its really nice / reassuring when I see the things that are important written down like that... Of course you are right - the other things are just peripherals that come way down the list of what's important in the big scheme of things and actually I am far better when I am not stressing about what others are doing and we are just enjoying each others' company.

You are right also about the practicalities... I could make things a little less rushed by doing a few more 'organised' things in the eve etc... I just get tired and go to bed but I could save myself some stress.

I really chilled out about bedtimes tonight and was far less 'marchy' ... funnily enough my DD went off to sleep much more quickly than when I get stressed with her as she was happy and relaxed.

I do feel better and I really appreciate the input from here thanks