How do I deal with an ex who can't talk to me nicely, no matter how hard I try to be civil?

[Boing1]

Hi - I could really do with some advice from any Mum's who've had issues with an ex who just can't talk to you nicely. I recently decided to bend over backwards to make this guy happy following our split, letting him see his daughter and washed away my anger and resentment with him to try and get on with him for the sake of our daughter, who after all, is the absolute most important person in any of this. I've been polite, accommodating and bitten my tongue when he's not done what I've asked of him but I am getting rather upset with still being spoken to like a piece of dirt on his shoe! I'm scared to ask him simple questions (last night for example I just asked him if there was a teat left at his house and he replied "I don't fcking know, is it fcking important? I'm busy reading a f*cking book!), which left me in tears because I really do just want an easy life.
Can anyone please help me with coping strategies? Does anyone have similar stories and how did they manage? I'm trying to think that I only have to see him every other weekend so it's only 26 times a year but I guess I'm a bit of a romanticist and thought it would be nice if we could be friends because that will be lovely for our daughter in the long run and make her feel secure.
Urgh..what to do?! HELP!! :)

I think you need to calmly make it clear you won't be spoken to like that and if he can't curb his attitude you'll have to make the hand overs and contact with him as brief as possible. Give him the choice.

Thank you, I think you're right although I can picture what he will then do/say; he'll turn on his innocent face and say that he doesn't and then project the blame back at me or he'll kick off again.
Sorry, I'm having a particularly down morning with it all, I'd built up my strength and now I feel as though I'm back where I started.

Use email and txtx to speak to hom and make handovers as quick as possible. In time it may well improve but for now don't give him the chance to be rude

Him not hom... Iphone fail

It sounds like he's still holding resentment towards you. Was it you who decided to end the relationship?
My ex tends to be very snappy and unreasonable when he's seeing someone else and then when it all goes wrong and he's single again he's all nice as pie! Very odd really.
Im just trying to ride it out, from what I've heard from friends who have split up the first two years are the hardest

I think the only thing you can do in these situations is accept that you cannot make someone behave the way you want and you can only control your reactions. You can't stop him being a rude, arrogant person. (unless of course it becomes a police/harassment matter).

So do what has been suggested. Make your contact with him as little as possible. Written communication is better so if he is rude, you don't have to deal with it there and then, you can ignore it and you have evidence of it if needed.

Make handovers as quick as possible.

Only communicate in writing unless you absolutely have to. Do not rise to anything he says (just ignore his comments and idiocy).

Sadly, given his behaviour it is clear he will never be friends with you and will not make the effort to get on for your DD's sake, so all you can do is disengage as much as possible.

dont communicate ask questions unless urgent - dont involve him in small stuff eg you might need to keep extra supply of teats at home so it isnt an issue.
handovers as brief as possible.

Thanks everyone, really great advice and I will be taking it all up. No more telephone conversations, just text/email (like you say, evidence is always useful and I won't have to get upset there and then). I think not involving him in the small stuff is also going to be crucial.

It really helps to get others advice on this, it makes me feel much better. Thanks again so much :)

Browniebear - yes it was me who ended it but I think he was pleased about it. I know I was relieved!! I will never understand men.

ChocHobNob - I definitely think acceptance that I'm not able to change his behaviour and therefore accepting and getting on with my life is key.

Browniebear, that is exactly like my ex. When he's single he's lovely, (used to come around for Sunday roast, help me with ds etc) mostly he's an arsehole.

Boing, I'm afraid that some people just don't change. One of the reasons we split was that he was completely unreasonable and I couldn't stand it any more, and he's no different now well over ten years later. I try not to discuss anything with him if I can help it because you can guarantee he'll start screaming down the phone and it must appear to anyone in the same room as him that i'm having a go when i'm not at all. In fact, that's totally it. When he's alone he's fine with me, when anyone else is about he's horrible, just the same as he was when we were together!

Our split was amicable really, noone got "dumped", we agreed he'd leave as it was unbearable being together so I don't think that has anything to do with it, it's just the way he is (and has continued to be with his partners since).

Have exactly the same issue here. What I would give to say to him what he says to me.... Instead I sit and fume inwardly before giving into a glass of wine.

I will never understand how someone who brought your child into the world would ever deserve to be called a c*nt (My ExP's favourite term for me).

I'm sorry I can't be more help on ways to cope with the behaviour (It's been years and I still can't) but do know- You're not alone.
I also always believe it's jealousy.

My exH is exactly the same, any phone calls result in him telling me I'm a bad mother, the seperation was all my fault, etc...
It's been nearly 3 years now and I've reached the point where I'll only commuincate with him via email (I'm not allowed his mobile no!!)
This is also because he often would make arrangements to see our 2 ds's and not turn up and then say I'd got the dates/times wrong!
He is now reluctantly doing this but only at the threat of using a contact centre if he didn't. He is intimatdating, spiteful and resentful towards me and always makes me feel like shit.
You have to be strong and stick to your guns, let him know that you can not be pushed around anymore (even if you don't feel like it!) Be a lion(brave)