Need to rant - fucking ex and his fucking CSA bollocks

[PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired]

I'm fucking raging. For the 3rd time, my ex has managed to fucking manipulate his earnings to reduce maintenance. For the third fucking time. And I'm just sick of being pissed about, knowing he earns more, then he stops working overtime, asks for another assessment, and gets the money reduced. He pays nothing over and above maintenance. Not a fucking penny. I pay everything, and I am barely keeping myself afloat. His contribution barely amounted to 1/3rd of what I pay every month in things DD needs/costs, and now he's managed to reduce the money he pays by £75 a month. I've already lost £50 in tax credits, £50 in wages due to childcare problems, and my mortgage has gone up by £60. And that bastard had a fucking cheek to smile smugly while showing me his CSA letter confirming they had reduced his payments. I'm fucked financially. I'm just so utterly fucked off with that shitty fucking CSA, where he gets the fucking chance to manipulate their assessment every fucking time. Those tory bastards think it's 'not cost effective for tax payers' to fund the CSA - no fucking wonder when they carry out one assessment on what my ex is obliged to provide them with, and then repeat the same fucking assessment on his manipulated earnings, and reduce the amount. 3 fucking times.

I'm fucking sick of it.

My ex has paid nothing for his 3 DC since February of this year.

I told him, via a solicitors letter, that i would not contact the CSA for money from him as I wasn't going to force him to do something that, rightly, he should want to do. And I also know that, as he is self emplyed that he will 'doctor' his books....i've seen him do it myself when we were together....so i don't see the point going the CSA route.

I have had to financially provide for my 3 DC and yes, it is a struggle, but I am happy that I don't have to thank him for anything.

I did get a reply back from his solicitor statinig that "he is considering the maintenance issue".....woo hoo....how fucking big of him!!!

Hope you get it sorted OP xx

Look,

it's pretty clear to me that sometimes people arrive on these sorts of threads with an agenda. That's fine in a debate atmosphere (well, actually - NO, but I can pretend to be reasonable) but this is the Lone Parent's board and it is inappropriate and some might..dare I say it?...even refer to this sort of behaviour as GOADING, which is against talk guidelines.

Of course, we can choose to ignore these sort of people and focus on the OP, or we can stoop to their level engage in an argument with a knuckle dragger

ShiirleyKnott - Someone has a different viewpoint or suggestion to you and you call that goading, really please grow up.

Op . My friend has the same problem, her ex husband pays less than £10 a week through csa calculations, owns a large comfortable house, drives a brand new car, has two businesses. I'm no rocket scientist but........

At least my ex has a good excuse to pay next to nothing, he's shit with money and likes to spend it on himself when he has got it

Ahem

I love Olivia's terribly English way of policing MN... It's one step from "I say, old chaps, this is all getting rather a bore..." :o

John, maybe in rl the op bends over backward to soothe her ex's poor pride and comes here to call him a twat rather than do that to his face. The op stated she was ranting. Is it not better that a rant is expressed as far away from her ex and dc as possible or do you wish to hound these op's from the boards where the only place left to express themselves is infront of their ex/dc. Or should these op's have no right to an expression? no right to say life is shit sometimes? ever? should they just shut up?

There are some great bits of advice for NRPs about how to actually "support" the RP. It's all about responsibility, but I guess some of the scenarios people on here are talking about are the result of one parent simply not putting responsibility before satisfying their own personal whims. Sadly for them, the DCs will probably see the way the land lies as they get older.

Does anyone else picture Olivia doing a laughing policeman style knee bend when she says Ahem?

No? Just me?

I know how you feel. Sometimes I think that I could go back to being a single woman by leaving DS at ex's doorstep and pay the equivalent of two bottles of wine to him in exchange of my freedom.

Unfortunately, I love my son too much to put him on the hands of a bastard who cannot see the effect that scoring points on me (like paying less maintenace than his should) is having in the son he "claims" to love.

There John, I have grovelled around my ex so he can see more of DS but aparently "he has a life to live" and obviously, he needs the spare change he would need to be spending jn providing for his son, to enjoy life to tge full. And I am not talking here of a poor broken man living on jsa, but of a very respected individual who earns a six figure salary.

I think John's posts are quite canny actually. In a really horrid way he has a point:

Plan:
a) Stroke the twunts' egos, bow and scrape, play the wringing-hands maiden and don't go to the CSA

Outcome:
Ex comes over all generous and reasonable... So you get your money.

The trouble is one would have to be:
a) calculating and persistent
b) a living saint not to bash the twunt with a frying pan after five mins a short while, in order for these tactics to work.

Would it not be better to look at your own behaviour and say work out ways of involving him more with the kids or maybe trying to build some kind of working relationship with him where you show some appreciation for the contributions he makes. The more threats or hassle he gets from the CSA or yourself the more I think he will decide to fight it.

You read my rant about my ex doing what he can to wriggle out of paying maintenance, and question my behaviour? Do you believe that he would willingly support his own child if he wasn't forced to do so? Or do you think a parent should have the right to throw a hissy fit at the mere suggestion that he should support his own child, and make that contribution a regular one? I think that says a lot more about you than me John. Seeing as I'm the one doing all the hard work raising our DD, it would be nice for my ex to show appreciation for the fact I do everything for our DD, by paying something close to half of what it costs to raise her, without protest, or sulking, and to actually remember he has a daughter more often than ever other month at best. The 'contribution' my ex makes is laughable by any measure of what it takes to be a responsible, loving, supportive parent. If you think that somehow deserves 'some appreciation' then again, I'd question the sort of person who thinks that's something worthy of appreciation.

Here here op!

However they can ask employers/HR depts for true figures I think if they have reason to believe they are being manipiulated.

Funny you should mention that bossy as that was the only reason my ex had been paying a decent amount of maintenance for the past year, because he chose to ignore the CSA'a request for details on his earnings when I knew he had earned a lot more. They went to his employer direct, and got the full picture. The problem is they have now assessed his earnings twice in a short space of time, and when I ask them to re-assess they'll tell me they won't do that for another 12 mths. I've been here before, I know the script, and I just can't be arsed with it anymore. As usual, I'll 'suck it up' and get on with being the only responsible parent DD can hope for, and leave that useless fecker to smugly enjoy his £75 on whatever shite he'll spend it on. It certainly won't be his DD that's for sure.

Under the new system, CSA will be able to get figures of income from HMRC, as per the tax return. I literally cannot wait for this to happen, as I'm fairly sure it will make a huge difference to what I get.

Yup, I think this will make a difference for me also. The down side is I know my ex will go back to being flaky with his payments, so while it might be a higher amount, it won't be regular. I'm not sure the threat of a higher payment through the CSA is enough to make sure he pays regularly. The reason I had to go to the CSA is because he's so shite with money, and if left to it on his own, he'd maybe think of paying something towards DD's upkeep once in a blue moon if we were lucky. It's a concern, but tbh I'm sick of the effort put in to make sure he at least meets the bare legal minimum of his financial responsibility towards our DD. It's all just so unnecessary, and tbh, such an alien concept to me i.e. not making sure DD's needs are met before anything else. I'd quite happily tell him to shove his money if it wasn't for the fact that money is so tight right now. And I'm boxed into this cycle until I no longer need childcare, so at least another 4/5 years.

Oh well, such is life as a lone parent eh?

My ex H payed one payment of CSA for our DS's and then quit work!! Be thankful you are getting something!!!

Sorry sponge, but I will not be thankful I'm getting something. I expect every parent to support their own child, and won't be made to feel I should be grateful that my ex has to be forced to contribute towards our child's upbringing. Your ex is a scumbag for not paying anything. Doesn't mean I should somehow consider myself oh-so-lucky to have to force my ex to pay up when it comes to supporting his own child. It's an absurd suggestion that any parent should be grateful that the other actually does contribute to raising their child.

Whoa it's not absurd at all, gratitude is a very serene quality to have.
You shouldn't be made to feel grateful, your either grateful or ungrateful and if your ungrateful it's going to affect your relations with your ex and you'll always be a loggerheads with one another.

That's just nonsense sponge. It's got nothing to do with me being grateful or ungrateful. It's not about me it's about my DD who has needs which cost money, and the fact that one of her parents has to be forced to contribute towards her upkeep. Gratitude for a forced contribution towards my DD's upkeep is an absurd notion. It's not a favour he's doing me, it's not something that's optional and he's just a thoroughly good bloke for having to be forced to contribute. So because your ex is even more of a twat than mine does not mean that I should be grateful that my ex has to be forced to contribute towards the cost of rasing our DD. Gratitude doesn't come into it.

I have to agree with Banana the rp shouldn't be grateful for minimal/forced support. The support should be automatic. two supportive parents should be the norm, why are these kids only good for next to nothing?

Why the don't think they should contribute baffles me.
When I think of all the times I was skint- not eating so my son could have new shoes, or to pay for the house to be warm- and that his father ran cars/bought iPhones/generally spoilt himself and his partner... it made me sick. He was giving me 25 quid a week, when he did pay.
Then I went to the CSA.. turns out he was earning £525 a week after tax. Needless to say, he does not like me very much now ;)
Tough shit. I've had to provide for 4 and a half years on my own. About time these feckless father wake up and realise they have to pay.

Okay sure these fathers should contribute without having to be forced....yet so many of them don't seem to want to.
I know that I provide everything for my 2 ds's. and my ex provides nothing. It gives me pride to see them turning into fine young men and knowing that I'm doing it all by myself. If he doesn't want to give me anything so be it.
Of course it's hard and I go without food or new things for the sake of my boys....yet at the end of the day money isn't the be all and end all. I'd rather not spend my time ranting at him for money. My kids have everything they need (not want but need) and we're happy without his money.

It's quite fasinating reading all the above. I am stuck for words when it comes to this, everyone is different but it appears that alot of men don't pay or willingly want to pay for their children even though they know it costs to bring up children. It's very odd. I wonder what the statistics are of willing verses unwilling payments.
My job is to bring up my two sons to be willing to pay. To understand it and to help people. They are 8 and 2.
For the record my ex is self employed......tackle that one with the CSA. I don't get a single penny. Even a court order which should mean prison doesn't. He knows it and so simply doesn't pay. He's violent and nasty too so any attempt to get money risks my own well being.