How much say does ex have about childcare in this situation?

[middlebear]

DD is 3. I am her ?primary carer? but ex has always been actively involved and we?re moving towards time split 50/50 for the moment.

It is very unbalanced though between me and ex. He is a bit of a bully and threatens me with court or ?the judge? every time we try to discuss (via text) some change in contact, or any other issue really. We are currently communicating through solicitors as previous attempts to reach agreement on anything have proved very difficult or impossible.

We need to work out changes in contact and I am going to basically accept what he?s asking for (it?s taken me a few weeks but I?ve got my head around this one now). However, I also need changes made to current contact because I want/need to return to work but I haven?t requested it yet. I?m really apprehensive about it. Even if I didn?t change anything my side and worked around him, I fear he would still block any childcare arrangements I attempt to put in place, just as he has done with an attempt to be available for work in the past, and with medical treatment and other things, and that he will have an opportunity to sideline me.

I feel as if I can only return to work on the days that DD is in his care (I would do it this way if I could) without there being another huge issue made.

Where do I stand with say arranging a childminder? Would it mean that if ex re-arranged his working hours so that he could now care for dd and dispense with the need for a childminder, I would have to agree to this? I know in many situations this would be the ideal, I wish it was here, but it?s not, as ex makes it very clear what he thinks of my parenting and he?d love me pushed further out of the picture, and that's not good for dd or me.

Well it would be better for your dd to be with her dad than a childminder.... But what if it gets to the point that be is having her more than you? Could he claim to be main carer?

If your DD is 3, is she starting nursary soon? She should (already?) soon be entitled to 15 hours free nursary care - I think if you sent her to nursary for the days when she was in your care but you needed to work, it would be very hard for your ex to say she'd be better off with him, because nursary is more like school.

Is it really likely he could arrange his working hours to care for your DD not only on his half of the week, but on yours too? I mean, he has to earn a living too doesn't he?

BlackberryIce I agree it would be better for dd to be with her dad, but that kind of assumes that the relationship between parents is mutually supportive for the sake of dd. Would she still be better of with dad if he then made it harder for dd to see me, bad-mouthed me to dd etc? Not so sure. Also, yes, it could raise those kinds of issues about who has greater share of care.

purpleroses She is going to nursery 3 hours a day (on my days only) from next week and childminder would need to be in addition to this.

Has to earn a living - well yes, but he's his own boss too.

Could you increase her nursary hours, once she's settled in? If she's only going on your days, then you're probably not using all your free allowance.

no, its a school nursery and they only offer 5 x 3 hours am or pm. Local daycare ones are not too good.

It sounds like from a purely practical perspective, your DD may have more time with both her parents if her Dad is primary carer and she has significant contact with you around your working hours.

I appreciate that sounds harsh - and realise its not that simple because of his behaviour - but on paper, that's probably how a solicitor, CAFCASS and even a magistrate would see it.

NADM - yes that's quite hard to stomach tbh.

OP in my experience, relying on an ex for 'childcare' while working, when the relationship is far from amicable has massive potential to cause you serious problems. My ex was prone to withdrawing his agreed time with DD on a whim if he was pissed of with something, and that ended up with me in serious bother with work when I couldn't fulfill my contracted hours. The worst was when he did it to me over xmas holidays, when I'd already been refused time off because I had no childcare, and then decided he wouldn't take DD when I needed to get to work. I got a massive bollocking for that, as staff was already skeleton as it was, and it was almost a disciplinary issue. That was the last time I relied on him for help.

I'd steer clear of having ex as childcare if things are as difficult as you suggest. Sort out the access/contact etc. but make your own arrangements on childcare if your ex is prone to being difficult.

I would be inclined to finalise the contact arrangements first, then apply for jobs and arrange your childcare for when you need it, rather than relying on working around hours that could possibly be changed on request anyway.

I don't think it would go against you that you are working to provide your daughter with a stable home.

it isnt necessarily better to be with dad as childcare eg if dad is trying to work at same time and dd is left playing in a corner.
and not if there is a chance he will sabotage op's attempts to get work.

with set childcare op can be sure she can meet work commitments. however, for example there could be option for dad to pick up daughter earlier from childminder if he free for example, but if principle both parents working best organize set childcare. that can largely be relied upon.

Do you think 50/50 care would be the best situation for your 3 year old DD?