Changing access arrangements re-igniting reasons the relationship ended

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Normally STBXH is reasonably good at sticking to informally agreed access arrangements. DD is nearly 15, sees him every Sat, stays overnight every other Saturday. One hour before she was due to arrive at his for an overnight yesterday I got a text saying that he was doing someone a favour, which would mean dd being up very early Sunday morning so instead would drop her at 2300 rather than keep her overnight, after planned evening trip out. So, 3 points are annoying. 1) Text not discussion 2) Presented as a fait accomplais, not a discussion 3) This favour was quite possible to achieve, then return for dd, then bring her home in the morning.4) Assumes I have no social life at all. When I said I had plans, and presented him with alternative possibility to achieve favour etc, I got a passive-aggressive, "I just won't do it then" (the favour). This taps into old wounds, he always liked to make out he was married to a witch, so I would be blamed yet again. One of the many problems in the relationship, and used as part of a sustained EA campaign. I know this should not bother me, but how do you stop this stuff tapping into old wounds, apart from it being a pita in the present?

Well at 15 there's no real need for any communication with him at all really, is there?

Your dd can stay by herself whilst you get on with your plans surely?

I'm not comfortable leaving her too long. Not if I'm going to be out late.

I've had to spell it out to my ex "if you want to change plans, it makes me cross if you just present me with a problem or tell me you can't have the DC's when it's your turn to have them. They're your responsibility for the times we've agreed that you're having them. You need to ask me if it's OK to change things" And then quite a lot of times of saying "you mean 'would it be OK to drop them back early....' don't you? Yes, that would be OK this week" But he does now seem to have got the hang of it :)

Yes your DD could stay at her own at either house, but for all your ex knew you might have invited a friends or a new bloke or something over to yours that evening, or be away overnight, and it might not be OK to have her.

Yes, I think that's part of my unexpressed thinking Purple, at some point, I might have some sort of relationship again, and I don't think its any of his business. He has moved on, got a new relationship with indecent haste, and doesn't have to explain what he is doing to me. I shouldn't have to say, "no, it inteferes with my sex life" at any point in the future. It's just not his business. And its still quite early days. She is struggling with the split and seems to need the security of knowing what she is doing. An arrangement is just that, unless there is a reasonable reason for not doing it IMO.