Advice re meeting DH's DD for first time.

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This is an interesting one so I will try and give you some background info.

10 years ago I split up with my BF and shortly after realised I was PG. We decided to spend 4 months without communication to see if we missed each other enough to try and make it work. Four months later we got back together.

The following year I discover that during that time, he had dated someone else and a child had resulted from this. By now I had DD and after much discussion it was decided between them both that DH would make payments via CSA and there would be no contact. I had no part in this discussion and made it clear I would always be surportive

DH and I went on to get married and have 3 other children.

Recently, this lady contacted me on facebook to say CSA was mucking her about and to find out what was happening. DH had recently lost his job and CSA have never managed to sort out his new calculations despite us making random payments to ensure we dont end up with a huge arrears bill.

We have decided to start making payments direct and have come to a mutual agreement. It has been very amicable and she has asked if we would like contact with her DD as DD is very interested in meeting us all.

My eldest is very concerned and worried about being compared which I am trying to deal with. I think DH should meet her and work out exactly what is meant by contact.

I have already decided to be as supportive as I can and have told DH that if he accepts her as his daughter he has to do it fully as showing favoritism and the like could be very damaging for her also.

There are so many things in my head. Like what if her xmas play clashes with my DD's and I am worried.

I have posted here as I am sure many of you will have first hand experiences of the problems that face step-families

Can this really work after so long? I do not want anyone to get hurt in all of this especially the 5 children.

This can work, and don't worry abut the Christmas play. She is going to love her mum a lot more than a man she has never met before, and I really do believe that only good can come from this. She deserves to know her father, I'm sure it will be fine.

I do understand how yr daughter would worry abut being compared, I have a nine year old son and a nine year old step son. They have similar interests and this can cause friction because my step son is only here once a fortnight and therefore feels a bit it of the loop, whereas my bio son feels a bit taken for granted because he's always here.

To be honest, although they've had fortnightly contact with eachj other for abut eighteen months now, they are still very much buddies rather than brothers. I went be surprised if this little girl is far mor interested in yr daughter than a new father. Grown ups are boring. Other children, especially related ones, are cool.

I wouldn't worry too much about trying to treat them equally - your DH is bound to feel different about the DD he has been dad to for 10 years and the one who he's never met.

Like colditz, I have a 9 year old DC and 9 year old DSC - and do find there is jelousy on my DD's part when DSS is around. My DD has needed quite a bit of reassurance that I am her mum, so I tend to hold back on doing mumsy things with DSS when she's around. It'll be a bit harder for your DH because he is of course dad to both of them.

Might be best for your DH to do the same, at least initially, and encourage your DD to see this a bit like a new cousin (a half sister of course in fact) for her - rather than any sort of competition for her dad. If they get on well it could be a great thing for both the girls.

Oh, and you might want to try posting in the Stepparenting thread - as probably more people with similar issues there.

Thank you so much for your help. I have never posted in Mumsnet before and feel very comforted by your advice.

It can, and will be OK. This DD sounds like she has some good role models. Your DH needs to be her Dad. That both her mum and you are supportive of that is amazing.

I don't have any advice, but well done on handling it so well.