Contact Issues - Thru Different Eyes

[Jogrighton]

Hi having some contact issues just need some other people?s point of view.

I am a single mum to a DD who is 8 nearly 9 months old and still being breastfed.
I return to fulltime work next week after mat leave. I am a shift worker which entails weekend work but no night work.

EX and I split up before DD was born, it was a short relationship and we never lived together.

EXP currently sees her every Saturday 10-12 then I collect DD to feed her and take her back 13-16 (or 15pm if he is at work - alternate Saturdays)

EXP requesting to see DD more, he suggested Saturday overnight but I had to decline this as DD still wakes throughout the night which he understands.

I suggested he have DD 10-4pm Saturday and Sunday on alternate w/ends so he sees DD on his w/end off and I get to see her at weekends also (the weekends he works) and he have her one day in the week for tea, although she has to be back by 1730 as she is in the bath and bed by 6pm.

EXP says he cannot do in the week (he is self-employed farm contractor) so is suggesting he have DD every Saturday till 6pm (when off) and will try and get time off in the week but as this is his busiest time will lose too much money and can?t pay as much for DD (his words not mine) I would rather have no money and see my DD. Therefore I get to have DD every Sunday.

I really am not happy with this option as 1) I want a full w/end with my baby 2) I will be at work on alternate Sundays so my DD will be with my mum so I won?t see much of her either.

EXP has more flexibility and can dictate his hours being self-employed I cannot.

I thought as DD is so little still this was a good starting point, what do you reckon folks???

(Just so you know we only communicate via email and the odd txt)

Personally I think as baby is so young and it's best for short and often visits, going 2 weeks without a visit is too long. Until baby is a bit older and can stay overnight I would agree to the one day a weekend, looking to progress to every other weekend and time in the week in between as the child gets older. She won't be a baby for long.

At 9 months the baby's father can take care of her overnight. He will have to learn to settle her.

At 9 months it entirely possible that a baby still needs a feed at night so a bf baby can't do overnights if so.
If ex understands that over night not possible then thsts not the issue!

I would also say that short and often visits would help better with building the relationship if you can work this out

I think his suggestion's fair enough really - assuming that she'll take solids and drink from a bottle or cup as well as being breast fed. Weekly contact has got to be best to let her dad build up a good relationship, and if he can't do midweek, then a full day at the weekend (and overnight, once she's ready for this) would seem reasonable.

My DD went overnight once a week to her dad from about 9 months - still BF but not substantially, she took a bottle too by that age. I did worry about her at first - you're just used to always being the one that is responsible for them at that age. It's hard to let go of that, and start to trust someone else to look after them. But it was only through being left in charge that my ex learnt how to parent her really. And it was very nice to get a full night's sleep once a week :)

If you're currently using your mum for childcare on a Sunday, could your ex have DD then instead on the weeks when you're working? That way you still get time with her, and so does he. If you trust your mum with her for a full day, is there a reason why you can't trust him? (other than your mum being experienced at babies, and your ex not, I guess - but he'll only really get a chance to learn if you let him)