Fed Up

[mummystudent]

After 4 and a half years of being split from my son's father I have had enough of his behaviour.

Over the past few years I've had abuse, child support either stopped or 1/3 of what it should be, and had to put up with being told I'm a bad parent- to the point an accusation was filed with Social Services (they told him never to waste their time again after the investigation at school/health visitor level came back with absolutely no concerns).
As for my son, he's had to put up with his basic needs being neglected by his father- he would not help my son brush his teeth, my son would come back after 3 days without having a wash, his diet when with his father was awful ("I have cookies for breakfast mum").

I decided to move away from the area we both lived in to go and study...
He has not seen him since (almost 7 months) blaming the fact he cannot get along with me- due to time constraints with school, my son cannot really go to him- and he has filed for full custody.

Here's where it gets a bit strange... I have recently decided enough is enough... I will go to court and prove to him that I am a brilliant parent. I told him this, and suddenly- he backs out? He no longer wants to go to court or have full custody so long as I prove TO HIM that I'm a good parent and he is "satisfied" with how I am doing.

I have been so weak-willed in the past, and just let him get his way for an easy life, but now I'm thinking perhaps I should say no, let's get this done properly- rather than 4 more years of hell.
I am sick fed up of hearing that I'm a c##t or that my house isn't good enough (he's never even seen it!)... While my son tells me every night how much he loves me and the people who meet him say how well mannered, well behaved, and well cared for, he is.

What should I do? Court, or try (yet again, to sort it out between us)?

I really really wouldn't put up with your exes demands, you actually don't have to prove anything to him whatsoever! By going along with his demands his control is maintained.

I'd carry on exactly as you are, and let him take it to court. You're the RP, he'd have a hell of a lot to prove if he wants to take that away from you, and the fact he hasn't bothered to see your DS for 7 months will not go down well.

Put your foot down now. He's being a twat, and you don't have to go along with his stupid games anymore.. Your DS is the most important thing, he's well and happy, and that's what counts.

Sadly all too familiar behaviour here.
He threatened court to have some control over you, no doubt you moving away has given you some freedom from him and he doesn't like it!
My ex threatened court lots of times.
This is typical abusive behaviour and with the referral to social services it sounds like he accuses you of what he himself is guilty of...( though I am not sure teeth-brushing gets flagged up, it should!) My ex has done this many times, threatening to 'tell everyone what I'm really like' is one example: HE is the one who appears charming on the surface, hiding an often vindictive, deeply insecure little boy underneath.
There is no excuse for no contact in 7 months and the judge would not be impressed. You could take him to court yourself just to get it in writing that you are the full time carer but my guess is he wouldn't turn up anyway?
Well done in getting away from him. Why 4 more years? Is that how long you are studying? If so, would you move back near him, really?

I have basically told him to take me to court, and I'll prove myself to them. It's been 4 and a half years since we split, and I have bent over backwards to accommodate his time with our son. He takes the p**s, and only today I received a text saying he will "never treat me with respect" as I "lost it years ago" and that he has never accused me of being a bad mother (Oh Right, so you report people to SS because they're capable?).
I get these texts, even after begging him to only speak through lawyers. I can't seem to get him to leave me alone.
My son is now angry with his dad for how much upset it's causing me (It's hard to hide these things as a lone parent of a curious 5 year old), and is refusing to talk to him over the phone... Which I'm being blamed for!

I moved away to start afresh, hopefully move into a good career... At every turn, I get hassle from someone who blames me for everything. "Why don't I get letters from the school?" Etc... I mean, he has parental rights, he knows where his son goes to school, so why not TAKE INITIATIVE and sort it himself? I can't seem to get him to understand that I wont do it for him anymore.

Sorry for ranting, it's been 4 years of constant berating from him and I'm only now finding the assertiveness to put my foot down. Wish I had stopped it all years ago. :(

change your phone, keep your old sim in an old phone just for him and only look at it occasionally. Never reply. Only contact him through solicitors and let him take you to court (if he can be bothered). Help your son call him once a week (and more only if your son wants to ) from your old number. Keep good records of wht is going on and why.

Well done for finding your voice. Keep it.

Rant away, you obviously need to!

This behaviour sounds so much like my ex. The moaning about not getting letters, the accusation that I 'lost it', then the denial of behaviour (saying he never accused you of being a bad mum).
It wears you down after a while, so even though others may say you're a great mother and you know you ARE you can begin to doubt it!
I was only able to put his behaviour into perspective after attending a brilliant womens aid (IDAS) group where we shared our experiences of emotional (and sometimes physical for some) abuse. It was so clear that these behaviours are part of a very unhealthy, usually male, abuse pattern. I am so glad I went to them, it was driving me crazy that although I had split from him 2 years (at the time) previously he still had the power to make me feel like shit/ angry/ helpless.
I also still cared about my ex because he was the father of my kids. He became increasingly self destructive (alcohol etc). I can at least say that now I would NOT try to help him and although its sad, would honestly be partly relieved if he died.
DO NOT let him control you any more. Fool is right about the phone, do it ASAP.