Just checking.... Contact changes, sorry it's a bit long

[froggies]

Don't want to drip feed, so this is a bit long, sorry. When exp left just over 18months ago we set up contact, one night midweek, one night and day weekend. For the first year this worked fine, occasional changes mostly at his request , with notice, total arse in many other ways, but at least consistent with contact.

He started seeing new gf just after Christmas, the number of changes he requested increased until I offered to change things to something more convenient for him, so it stayed consistent for the girls, and it settled down again.

I think he is moving in with gf (she lives 70 miles away), and in the last 3 weeks he has cancelled 2 mid week over nights and moved the third, all of which I said 'yep, no problem' to. Then yesterday he told me he wanted to pick the girls up an hour and a half early tomorrow as he is doing a sleepover. (dd1 told me they are going to stay over at gf's) and he wants them fed and ready to go at 5pm.

Saturday afternoons are the only time I get to spend with just my kids, (well DS doesn't go to ex's, so I spend every Sunday with him) I childmind, so my working week is full of kids from 7.45 am until 6pm, at which point i am feeding mine then hitting homework, bath, bed (DD's are 3&7). Saturday mornings they do their only extra curricular activities, havng umpteen other people's kids makes it difficult to take mine to activities and haul theirs along with me, and DD2's dancing is only on sat mornings, so I book DD1 in for 1/2 riding at the same time, so I get Saturday afternoons to do stuff with them, and sat eve to all eat together before they to to ex's, usually at 6.30.

Anyway, I text him back and said I would drop them to him early, but would't be as early as he wanted (prob 1/2-1 hr early) so that I can make the most of my afternoon, and have dinner with them without rushing them to eat early so he can drive them down the road.

He told me I wasn't considering my children's needs, but being inflexible and spiteful.

I am not doing this out of spite. 99% of the time I accommodate the changes he wants (as most of the time it makes very little difference to me if he doesn't take them, or picks them up late, or drops them off early, or changes the day) but on this occasion it does effect my time with the kids, and I thought meeting him part way dropping them a bit early was flexible.... If this had been a one off, I would feel more accommodating, or if he had something booked so he had to be somewhere at a specific time I would say yep, but his reason for wanting them at 5 is so that he can get them to bed on time. Even if I drop them at 6 he would be able to get them to bed for 8, they both go to bed and sleep well, and usually go to bed between 7 and 8, maybe a bit later on Friday nights.

Just needing a wee bit of reassurance that I am not being a total bitch for saying no on this one occasion, and putting my time with the girls above his, or am I actually being petty and unreasonable?

I think it probably WOULD be better for your girls to be dropped off earlier to begin their sleepover, but he is being entirely unreasonable springing this on you at the last minute.

You've been too accomodating by the sound of it, so now he is expecting any changes to happen without protest. I don't blame you for saying no. He should have arranged this weeks ago.You could argue that chopping and changing/ cancelling contact days and times is also not in the interests of your girls. Don't rise to the "inflexible/ spiteful" comments. Just calmly say you had plans for the Saturday (which is true) and that it's clear you need to reconsider contact arrangements as they don't seem to be working for him.

I think you need to either agree to fixed times and days between you, or seek mediation/ legal advice to set this up if that's too difficult. Could they do alternate whole weekends, rather than one night per weekend. That way he gets time during the days before they stay with him to arrange various activities and sleepovers/ visits etc.

I m in the middle of a similar situation. The advice from my Relate counsellor was set your boundaries around childcare. Try and take the emotion out of it (SO difficult I know) and come to it like a business meeting. STop being so accommodating. I agree with the other comment about him getting used to having his own way and ignoring the nasty comments. Maybe you need to reorganise the timetable for the girls and then stick to it! Good luck

We do have set days and times. Tuesday 4.30pm- wed 7.45am, and Saturday 6.30pm- Sunday 6.30pm. He lives next door to me, so usually travelling times are zero. We have had this set up since the word go. When he started moving things around about 6 months ago i offered to change it permanently to suit him, he said no, and stopped changing things.

A couple of weeks ago dd1 asked to start gymnastics, which is on a tues night, I said I would speak to him first before i agreed to anything, as it is his night, and if she went, she wouldn't get back until 8pm. I told him this, offered him Wednesday night instead if he didn't want to miss time, he didn't get back to me (so no gymnastics for dd yet) but didn't turn up on the next Tuesday, and didn't have them the Wednesday either.

I text him to see where he was, he said he wasn't coming because dd1 was at gymnastics, then emailed me later that evening saying he would like to move to every other weekend (Friday eve to Sunday eve) and no mid-week at all, because of the gymnastics, - also i am at college on Thursday, which would mean an earlier drop off if they stay wed night with him, or a later collect if the stay thursday night with him.

At this point neither gymnastics, or my timetable a college were confirmed, (gymnastics still isn't) so I said I was happy to keep it as it is now until things are confirmed, as long as he was ok with it, and then we could shift to every other weekend, but if he wanted to do this before then he just has to let me know. I haven't heard anything about this since.

I think you've been quite reasonable. If you feed them on a Sat then he doesn't need to,does he? You could suggest he drops them back early on Sunday to give you a bit more time with them, or if he is moving further away then look to switch to EOW instead.

Basic rule of dealing amicably with changes in contact pattern is that either of you can request a change or a swap but the othet can always say no if they want. Try to say yes when you can but expect to be respected if you do say no.

Thanks. I do try to say yes, and try to organise my life around the times the kids are with him, so that I don't have to ask for changes.

I think the problem this time is he is not respecting my saying no (although i am not even saying outright no, I am still sending them early, just not as early as he wants)

They always eat with me on a Saturday (usually between 5&6) but if I attempt to feed them early enough to get them there for 5, they won't be hungry, and will then be starving by the time the get to bedtime and won't sleep (have tried it before, to fit round things I am doing, it doesn't work). I can't even give them an early lunch so that i can move the evening meal formard, as I am tied into times in the morning with dancing classes. If I don't feed them, he will need to, so he won't be getting them to bed any earlier - which is his reason for wanting them early- unless he gives them sandwiches in the car.

And part of me just doesn't want to loose time with them this time.

It isn't convenient for anyone but him. What thanks have you ever got for all the facilitating you have done in the past?
You owe him nothing. Let him huff and puff all he likes, but stick to your guns.