Failure to Protect? (sorry a bit long)

[avenueone]

Every parent would do anything to protect their children wouldn't they? I guess is starts worrying about the unborn baby to those first few scary nights at home and then through each stage of growth as they gain independence walking, talking, going to school, playing out on their own with friends for the time...and beyond.

You also want to do what is best for them don't you, provide them with the best chances in life, life skills, help with school work, provide them with experiences to make them happy, make them feel loved, have fun and give them self confidence to grow.

I have posted before about my ex who is taking me to court for contact with his DS who is almost 7 and he has not seen him. As I have not seen him much in almost 8 years I know very little except he hasn't worked for a long while (since I claimed CSA) he told the CSA my DS wasn't his but would not have a DNA test so is presumed the father but has paid less than £200 in maintenance in all this time (I don't care at all about the money just think it shows how little he cares) - only claimed when he was 3 and it took a long time as it does to go through (now comes out of benefits).
His use of drugs lead to our break up and I experienced a lot of abuse from him during pregnancy and just after my DS birth so his departure was a relief in some ways.
I know he will get contact and whilst I will mention my welfare concerns (more than listed) - I really don't know if this is all just to get back at me or if he really cares - nothing adds up. How far do/can I go to protect my DS?
he asked me to have an abortion and was willing me at times he said to loose it' (baby). There is so much more than concerns me in fact nothing makes me think ... my DS will benefit. I feel like everything he has put me through for all these years will just carry on... I spend months seeing how it would go, keeping him informed of things asking him to scans to be involved' he has never shown any support to me or my DS and now just asks to `start seeing him'.
I also have concerns over how he contacted my DS direct to get back in touch with a toy my DS hated (if I say too much it may out me) and the lies he has told in solicitors letters (already sent paper work to them to proof some of it as lies).
Sorry it is long and I don't really know any of you guys - just feel isolated about things - my poor friends have supported me for years - I feel a burden. Think this will be my last post on here. Just want the best for my DS who is wonderful by the way and a very happy little boy.
If you manage it all thank you.

So what contact is he requesting?

You could start by insisting it builds slowly...sending a few postcards/letters, then a weekly phonecall, then a couple of hours a fortnight in a contact centre.... If all that takes perhaps 6-8 months to get as far as a contact centre, and he has been consistent and made the effort, then he may well step up to the Mark and develop a good relationship with ds

If he keeps failing, then it can progress no further.

Do you think his motivation is genuinely wishing to see his DS and feature in his life, or is this about him wanting to harass you? If it's the latter, you can make him jump through a few hoops, probably enough to get him to fuck off and disappear.

at first just to come to my house and see him - once a week to bond with him' -(the last time he was in my home he had his fist thrust in my face again) then he asked to come and watch him football training' and said he would not talk to him - then he asked for a contact centre.

He also asked for me to send him photographs of my DS (before he came to watch him play football - guess so he knew which one he was!!) these are photographs of a life he has chosen not to be part of- he has never said he will (or done it) provide photographs or details about himself to my DS even when asked.
After what he got my DS a few months ago who knows what he would put in letters and he can't have my phone number after all the abusive phone calls (police involved in the end). He has never said why now I have asked a couple of times (via sols) nor why he has denied him before.
His first contact a few months ago co-incided with CSA getting his arrears made a legal debt.
He has had the ability to do so much I never imagined someone could do to a pregnant women and new mum in the past that I am scared of his motives. His world is a world away from mine and whilst my DS would adapt my DS would be terrified of his environment at first. I would....and I can protect myself and not have to see him or be in his world or that house (which is also a good 45 mins drive away) but I don't think I can protect my DS. I can't say too much more prob said too much as it is.
I didn't know him well enough when I was pregnant and he lied so much I would never have got involved if I had known the truth I don't want my DS to suffer for my mistakes.
We all want happily ever after and I hope I am wrong but if I am right I will never forgive myself if I look back and I could have done more. My family and friends are besides themselves with worry they witnessed a lot in the past and know what I know so I can show the court proof.
Most of this I can't warn my DS about as at 7 he is too young to know about some of these things.
No life is perfect but my DS has such a good one now. When I see his smiley happy face in his nice home with his nice things I want to cry....
risk v benefit??

Solid I am not 100% sure but I will be honest - I would say the latter.... nothing seems to give me a reason to think otherwise. I just think if he really wanted to see DS he would behave differently. Even if he hated me before, the fact I have cared for someone he says he now cares for, so well for all these years would surely make someone have some respect for them?
As DS would be having such a different life with me I also worry he will resent that and that will fuel his temper, agression and other issues when he is with DS if DS talks about what we have been doing.
Since we split my life has gone from strength to strength (after a very difficult period) his just seems to have bottomed out. We were different to start but we are extreemly different now.

Regarding contact.... It's never too late for an absent parent to come back into their child's life. It's your ds right ( as per the children's act) so it's not up to you in any way. Your ds is only 7, he has only lived a fraction of his life so far without his dad

You dont have to have any contact yourself. None

You dint need to let him have contact in your home. Do don't. It needs to be small steps. He needs to build up.

If he would take you to court then I would let him. Cafcass can get involved, and contact can be monitored

I personally think he would give up early on

Thanks Blackberry I did think that court/CAFCASS was the way to go so it can be monitored.

Yes my DS has a right to contact with his father - rights are one thing but I am more interested in responsibilities, care and happiness.
It is my duty as the only one with parental responsibility of a child so young to protect my DS which is why I called the post failure to protect - if I just let him take him tomorrow the fact he is his biological father has nothing to do with it and if something happened then I would be responsible- that was my point really.

I also don't want disenchantment to occur.

We will see how it all goes and if it goes badly then you will hear about it in the press. There isn't much around for cases like this - it is unusual. If his contact now had been even slightly pleasant I would have felt differently.

thanks for your replies.

Is he currently using drugs? You say that the police have been involved in the past due to his violent behaviour, so I think you will get a lot of sympathy from the court if you say that you want a slow build up and supervised contact to start with - and I think you may be able to have it made part of the court order that if he shows up intoxicated contact does not take place. Also (I may have misinterpreted your post) but I get the impression that this man is involved in a criminal lifestyle; if you think your DS might be exposed to drug dealers and/or gang violence or something, again, you can put a lot of restrictions on contact on the grounds of DS being in danger if this man is looking after him.
If you don't already have a solicitor, find one - Women's Aid might be able to recommend a good one who is experienced in family law. But if you are dealing with an unreasonable arsehole, and it sounds like you are, don;t waste time and energy hoping that he will be reasonable; do everything through the legal route and remember that you don't have to have any contact with the man at all for DS to be able to see his father.

Thanks solid you have it exactly right. Worried I can't prove everything though and I will be put under pressure to have contact with him to support DS which of course I want to do but don't want to end up so he affects me so I'm in an emotional mess. It's dragged up a lot of emotions that I had buried and moved on from so keeping my emotions straight at the moment has been a challenge but I am just about dong it. had a chat with the GP who picked me back up first time round. But I made bad descions first time round I dont want to make any this time and I dont want an innocent child to suffer because of me.

Just remember: you cannot be compelled to have any contact with this man yourself. The court's priority will be the need of DS to have a relationship with his father, and your DS, at 7, is old enough for the court to listen to him.
You can stall, you can drag the process out, you can put all sorts of restrictions on contact when you are dealing with a violent, criminally-inclined drug addict. He's bound to have a record. It's on record that he has been violent to you. for one thing.
You might be really lucky and the silly bastard might get himself arrested and locked up for a good long time.

Thanks solidd that is what I am hoping for.