Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

How much contact for a NRF with newborn?

10 replies

Flumpy2012 · 06/09/2012 16:41

Hi
Interested in everyones view of how much contact a father should have with his new born daughter. He lives 4 miles away and has a 15 year old son who lives with him. I'd be more than happy for son to come too if he wished.

We seem to totally disagree on this so without putting down any suggestions I'd just like honest opinions.

I am on my own and rely on a few local friends with family 120 miles away x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OptimisticPessimist · 06/09/2012 17:03

How is your relationship with him (ie, can you spend time with him? Was it an amicable split or is he abusive?) and is the baby BF or FF?

Rubirosa · 06/09/2012 17:07

I would expect something like 1-2 hours 3-4 times a week - of course that would depend on where the contact could take place and whether the baby is breastfed.

Original poster

Flumpy2012 · 06/09/2012 17:25

He thinks I am emotionally abusive, he is too but that chapter is over. Now it's just about her. We have never argued infront of his son do there's no reason to think we would infront of baby.

We are mostly able to communicate amicably an sometimes even friendly.

1-2 hours, 3-4 times a week sounds good.

Hoping for her to be EBF x

OP posts:

Rubirosa · 06/09/2012 17:45

Little and often is the way to go with babies - if you ebf then you are unlikely to be able to be apart for more than a couple of hours for the first 6 months. I would maybe think of ways to build up the length of time slowly, so several short visits at first, afternoons out by 12 months, day trips by two, overnight stays by 3 etc.

Original poster

Flumpy2012 · 06/09/2012 17:46

That sounds very reasonable. Unfortunately all he is willing at the current time is 2 hours a fortnight!!!

OP posts:

BieneMaja · 06/09/2012 19:54

I was in this situation and I def think little and often is the best way. My ex came over once a week to bath her and put her to bed and visited at the weekend too. It was hard for me, but it was all about her (like you said)...

He pushed for more and more and I had to let him take her out on his own when she was about 4 weeks. Didn't much like that...

Original poster

Flumpy2012 · 06/09/2012 20:17

I sort of think he will feel different once she is here and want more than 2 hours a fortnight.

I want a balance where we both have our own lives but I also want her to have 2 parents. I want to support him in having the access he wants but I also don't want it to be so little that it doesn't benefit me or her at all!

I am proposing one evening a week and some time at the weekend.

Amounting to around 8 hours a week

Obviously once she is older it will be different and he can take her out etc

You're very brave at 4 weeks!! I couldn't handle that!

Did you ever end up in court or did you manage to arrange it all yourselves?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 21:38

With a very new baby, s/he will not really be aware of who he is if he doesn't come to visit very often - so s/he will not miss him if he fades away. Is he unreliable? Is he refusing to visit more often because he is reluctant to be involved at all? Basically, don't wear yourself out chasing him, but do keep a record of any emails or texts, particularly any which show that he is unreliable or unpleasant.

Original poster

Flumpy2012 · 06/09/2012 22:00

Hello

I'm not sure. He swings from wanting to e involved and then not being sure. He has a v good relationship with his son from previous marriage so I hope he wouldn't be unreliable with contact but I'm not sure really until he's given the chance.

I think he's refusing more contact to avoid seeing me, avoid getting too attached to her and also to not sacrifice any time with his son. He's basically saying he will fit her into a slot he has rather than it affecting his life?!

I get so confused. I want him to be in her life but surely it has to work for everyone?

His favourite line is you will always want more than I'll ever be able to give. - I think it's more honest to say he'll never want to give what's reasonable!

Argh this is so frustrating, I'm trying to stay calm because we are amicably communicating via email about other stuff and I don't want to raise this yet and upset the apple cart but it's really bugging me!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 07/09/2012 12:04

I split when DD was 3 months old. Her dad came round to see her (and take elder DS out) a few times a week at first, then started babysitting her one night a week, and taking for an hour or two on a Saturday. Started overnights once she was 9 months and weaned - one night a week. Seemed to work well. I did feel very much when she was small that she was MY DD (not really his, not really with two parents) but that has changed as he's got used to having her, and she certainly feels she has two parents now.

You can't make him want regular contact though, just leave the doors open, and suggest at least once a week if she is to get to know him.

At 15, surely his son has a life of his own doesn't he? Old enough to choose if he wants to stay home alone, or come and visit his new sibling.

Flip