I'm new to this but really wanted some advice please as I'm at my witts end......
I have an 11yr old and two 8yr olds who see their biological father twice a year. He lives abroad and chooses to visit only twice a year, the children and I have tried to get him to come visit more but he makes every excuse to why he can't. I've contacted his mother and his brother to try and see if they could talk to him as children need stability and consistency to which he was proving neither. When he does come home, he's over an hour late picking them up.....he's even left them stood at the gates at school and not turned up (good job I know what he's like and I hide near school so if he doesn't turn up I can quickly join my children and lie for him!!)
He brings them home late so they are extremely tired ready for the next day with him or if its cold he drops them back after only a few hours because he doesn't know what to do with them. My son suffers with asthma and is always poorly after a few days with him as he can't cope with such long days, junk food and him smoking next to him. I've asked if they can all eat healthier and drink water but he doesn't take it in, he says it won't kill them and I'm just moaning. I've tried explaining about my sons asthma and they are all constipated or the other once he leaves but he thinks I'm lying!
When he takes them out he falls asleep constantly, if they go to the cinema he sleeps through it. He took them to the beach.....told them all to go and play and let him sleep, he locked his car and wouldn't let them back in......he just told them not to go in the water!!!
He took them to his brothers where he stays and told them to play in the garden while he slept on sofa, there is a stream in the garden and a 15 foot tree house so I think they need supervising!
He tells them he pays for everything I have and everything I buy them he tells them he's paid for it. He constantly puts me down and he says the most awful things about my partner and my mother which really upsets the children. The children call my partner dad which they asked if they could, we put it off for a bout a year but when we moved in together they started calling him dad so we let it go and figured it was ok because it's what they chose. He tells the children they are not allowed to call him dad they have to call him muppet man! Yet his father isn't his biological one and he calls him dad.
The children come away from being with him so confused and upset, my eldest can't understand why he spends the whole time being like this and not asking them how they are. He brags about his job and how much money he makes but like she said she doesn't really understand and maybe he should ask about school. He takes them to places where he doesn't spend quality time with them, he just pays to get in buys them food and leaves them to it.
He does give me money for them but not a lot and it's only been consistent in the last two yrs, it's always late and because of the exchange rate it's not a set amount.
My question is do I stop him from seeing them? For yrs now I've said to him, it's all or nothing.....I've said they need times to look forward to rather them never knowing when they are going to see him again. I've said if he can really only visit twice a year then can it be set times each year. I've asked him to keep all his negative opinions to himself and just be nice and to not smoke in front of them yet he is still behaving in an unexceptable manor but this time he really has hurt them. My eldest has tried talking to him but he laughs and says its your mother poising you and brushes it off. She says theres no point arguing with him when he's not hear very often. My son says he only goes out with him cos they go to adventure playgrounds and he buys them stuff otherwise he'd stay at home with us!!
My eldest suffers from a nervous scratch which always appears when he's here and until she's settled again once he's gone. My son is always poorly and my youngest daughter starts to stutter when she's been with him which disappears days after he's gone!
I just don't know what to do, I would like it if he was a great father who saw them every other weekend but he will never live in the uk so that's not going to happen but he's just no good for my wonderful children and he doesn't deserve their love but what do I do???
I've asked for his address so I could get a solicitor to write to him to ask him to visit more and to be nice while he's here and to try and stick to times for the sake of the children but he won't give it to me.
I used to let him stay in my house especially if it was cold and wet and this way I knew they would eat properly and I thought it would be great for him to be able to bath them, read to them, cook with them etc and he used to vandalise things of mine, which I let go even though my partner said I shouldn't let him stay......I wanted to show the children that this is the correct way to behave then the last time he stayed he put bleach in my partners showgel so I had to stop him from staying. After about a year later we started letting him just come in for a few hours and look at the children's work or play the wii etc with them and my partner would sit in our seperate lounge that way they wouldn't have to see each other but he then started to abuse this by saying things to the children about photos around the house, belittling my partner and I still in the house so I had enough and said no more!
Your advice would be great please as I'm at a dead end now :-(