shared care advice please!

[cooper44]

hello - I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has made shared care work well. have recently split up and have a 3.5 yr old DS and expecting a baby in three weeks.....i have no idea what will happen with the baby but in terms of a three year old what has worked well for anyone who has been through similar? My ex is planning on finding somewhere really close to us so it will be easier to manage and we are very amiable considering and very much focussed on making everything as smooth as it can be for DS.

so far DS is really accepting of the changes - I know it's only a couple of months but we've been very clear with him and he's very much adored so I think he feels secure and ok with the change in living arrangements so far. We are both freelance too which makes it all much easier in terms of both spending plenty of time with him.

I just don't know about how to split up a week and whether it's too much for a three year old to do alternate weeks or whether it's better to spend the majority of time in the house he already knows etc. thanks for reading and any advice very gratefully received.

Every case is different but the important thing for children is that they see their parents respecting each other and working together. If you have both shared care substantially so far and the arrangements are practical there shouldn't be any problems sharing care substantially now in whatever way works for your family.

Having said that a three year old might find regularly not seeing a parent for a whole week difficult so maybe it would be worth having a trial of 3 days each and alternating on the seventh day for a few months to see how it goes.

I split up when my DS was 3.10 and DD was 3 months, so very similar to you. My DS too was very accepting of the changes, and always has been (he's 12 now). What we did for contact was:
First few months (when ex was staying with mates and couldn't have kids round ) - he came round and took DS (and sometimes DD) out for an hour or two several times a week
For next few months - he babysat every Friday (so I could go out!) and put DCs to bed

From when DD was about 9 months (and weaned) he had them both every Friday night. It was better to send them both together most of the time, though ex did take just DS away for a few days to his parents once. I wouldn't have wanted to be away from DD for more than 1 night at a time at that age.

When DD was about 2 or 3 we switched to him having them for two nights on alternate weekends, and also having them every Monday night. I've asked the kids from time to time whether they think we've got the balance and the pattern about right, and they usually say yes. We have recently shifted to a 3 night weekend and alternate Monday nights on the weekends when he's not had them at DS's request as he felt there was too much chopping and changing the way we had been doing it before.

So I've always had them around 5/7 of the nights - I thought when we split up that it was probably best for them to have one main home. But actually they do very much see his home as their home too. And I do know quite a few people who split the week 50-50 (including one who started this when youngest was around 4) and it seems to work OK for them. They do Mon and Tue nights with one parent, Wed and Thu with the other, and alternate weekends. I think that split works better than alterante weeks because it gives regular week days with each parent, and allows you regular days to work or have a social life too. Less lenghtly times apart from either parent too.

Whatever you do, you'll need to start fitting your new baby into the routine in a few months presumably, and also allow your ex some time with the baby (possibly at your house) over the first few months when it's too small to be away from you for longer.

i share care 9 & 6 DSs. we work it that they stay with each of us for approx 3 days at a time. HOWEVER, the boys themselves say that they miss the other parent when they are not with them, and they want us to live next door to each other!
i don't think any other way would work as well for us; a whole week would be too much all round, and alternate days or two days each would unsettle them too much.

thanks so much for responses - this gives me hope that it can all work out ok.