Being pushed out - finding it hard

[justkidding]

Although dd (3.2) has always had majority of week with me, ex is making more and more demands. That would be fine if he were generally co-operative, but he has no respect whatsoever for me as a mother or human being. He believes, and tells me so, that I cannot give dd what he and his family can. He tells me I will limit dd's life chances and that I am a bad mother. This criticism is relentless. He uses what dd "says to him" to back up his view too.

I am sure he intends to seek a way for dd not to be with me - he has told me as much.

I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance really. I should feel confident enough to not feel threatened but I'm scared that I will lose beautiful, precious dd because of this, be it through the courts, or I'll lose her trust and love because of his influence.

I'm on my own in terms of family, but I have a couple of good friends. I can support dd financially, I love her so totally and have never, ever harmed her in any way.

He will do whatever it takes and I am worried. Any words of advice please.

How does he tell you all this? Is it written down - if so you might be able to get legal advice over whether it counts as harassment.

If he is speaking to you I would just remain calm and tell him you don't agree. Especially tell him you're not a bad mother. But keep it quick and cool.
Your thread reminds me of my "badmouthing" one a bit. Someone recommended the book "divorce poison" and I've just started reading it. Not sure how helpful it will be yet, but if you think he's having a negative influence on her regarding you, it might be useful for you too.

In your position I would keep a record of everything that's said, and how you reacted, if you do think that he will take it to the courts one day. Maybe get into the habit of emailing so that you have written proof of what's being said. Always keep your emails polite, cool and concise.

I worry, like you do, about long term influence etc, but in my heart I simply believe that I should carry on being a calm, loving mum. That's all I can do really, and hope my children will be able to make their own minds up as they get older. Your DD will be able to tell how much you love and care for her, and to a little child, that will count for everything if she feels safe and loved and listened to when she's with you.

Thanks MagicHouse.

I try my best to carry on as usual and be the best mum that I can be, but whole situation is quite stressful and eroding my confidence (shouldn't let it I know and I dont want to be a victim).

He tells me that dd feels safe and loved and listened to etc at his house with his family and I can't give that to her.

We dont talk. This kind of communcation is via text. Requests to communicate via email has been refused by him.

I would try your hardest not to react to anything he is saying. Like you say, he is just trying to erode your confidence. During the time we were splitting up, my ex liked nothing more than to cause me to lose my temper or become upset through digs/ snide remarks/ smirking/ lying about me. He would then use this as "evidence" of what a bad mother I was/ how stressed and obviously neurotic I was etc etc

I think he finds it more difficult now that I don't really react much to anything he says. I keep contact between us polite and to a minimum. Don't get into any sort of conflict. Just keep calm (on the outside) and say concisely and clearly that you don't agree. And leave it at that. Say as little as possible. If he makes any threats, ask him to deal with your solicitor (if you have one).

Maybe get another phone, so that he can carry on texting the old number. Leave that one at home and check it once every day or two so it doesn't impose on you too much. Comments like you can't give her any feeling of security or being loved aren't really worth even replying to. Or just reply "as you well know, I love and care for DD and am giving her a stable home here. Please keep your contact with me about necessary information regarding our daughter, rather than unfounded opinions on our life at home." Then refuse ever to be drawn into it again.

Keep telling yourself what a fantastic job you are doing loving and financially supporting your DD all by yourself, and reminding yourself of how much you have gained in leaving a bad marriage. Tell yourself that to get stressed and lose patience at times is completely normal, and no reflection whatsoever on you as a mum. Tell her as often as you can that you love her and think she's great!

I don't know you or your situation, but he sounds like a bit of a bully, and usually bullies back off if you stand up to them (calmly) or ignore them.

Hi op - another nitwit ex! Can I join?
Magic house thats exactly how exp behaves - I think he actually wants me to have a breakdown and prove I'm incompetent or something - is it subtle jealousy do you think?
Op a friend of mine won't let her ex have her mobile, only her landline which she has no voicemail and frequently unplugs - always in the evenings after kids are in bed so ex cannot disturb her rest time. This is what i would do if my exp was allowed direct contact with me.
My exp can only be adversarial with me to the point where it's affecting his parenting of dd quite substantially now

In a very similar situation. It's almost as if everything I do is wrong, even though my son is very well cared for.
I also have very little family, and have been single for 4 and a bit years... He uses the fact he has lots of family, is in a relationship, had had another child (my son's step-sister) as a way of saying my set up isn't good enough!
He has no respect for the fact I've looked after our son ALONE since he left me for a teenager! Makes me so stressed and angry.

I'm another sidelined mum - despite 50:50 care, and an equal role in DDs life, my ex seems determined to replace me with his stbDW

I allowed it to happen for far too long, but have recently realised the damage it is doing and have begun legal proceedings to protect DDs relationship with me as her Dad seems determined to take it away.

Aren't there any support groups for mums like us then? I feel like I have to agree to what he wants, and that he still has control over me because of this.

What can you do legally to protect DD's relationship with you NotaDisneyMum and is your 50:50 care, time split 50:50 too? Did you agree to this or was it court ordered?

Sorry if all the questions are a bit of a liberty but I'm really worried that when/if ex takes me to court because I'm not agreeing to him having more care at this stage, he will get 50:50 time or near enough and then I will really struggle to have my voice heard.

DD has been 50:50 for three years - not Court ordered, and initially I thought it was a good idea.

Ex made it clear from the start that it wasn't enough for him - he redirected DDs mail, tried to get me taken off the school contact list, changed her address with the LEA, registered her with a dentist without giving them my details, withheld school permission forms - the list is endless!

I'm looking at securing a residency order - even if it's a shared residency order, I can insist that specific clauses are included that ensure he involves me and then when if he breaches it, it's more likely that I can get it changed to a sole residency order based on evidence that he's excluding me. DD is old enough for her wishes to carry a lot of weight in court, too - and she's getting fed up with it

Thanks NotaDisneyMum.

It looks as if our experiences are similar.

I would hope that your ex's his ridiculously controlling behaviour and his deliberate attempts to exclude you would count for something in court. You'd think so wouldn't you.

My ex is very likely to take me to court to secure shared residency, he is constantly "threatening" to do so and we communicate via solicitors at the moment. No problem with it in principle, but more worried about split of time that's ordered. He may go further and attempt to paint me as unfit mother and attempt to show that he and partner are able to offer DD better life chances - again this is what he (and his partner) constantly tell me.

I can't afford to take him to court. "They" can afford it. I can accept dd having more time with him, but the implications of it concern me.

Sorting out school place for next September is already a massive headache.