Maintenance, access and mediation? How do I deal with a difficult ex?

[Boing1]

Hi, I would really appreciate some advice on how much is the 'norm' that a Father should be paying towards the child care costs? I'm due to be sitting down with him next Saturday to arrange this and access and I'm feeling very nervous as he is being very verbally abusive to me and threatening Solicitors.

I have been trying to arrange access for him on the one rule that he responds to me by text or phone call if I get in touch with him whilst he's got her to ask after her. He's refusing at this point and is calling me names.

I've arranged for us to sit down next Saturday with my Mum and his Mum present to come to a formal arrangement, in the hope that if we have them both present then it won't turn nasty. Any advice on mediation techniques?

At the moment I'm going to suggest every other weekend and half child care costs plus maintenance. Is this reasonable?

Help! I feel as though I'm making all the effort, being as flexible as possible and getting nothing in return apart from his hatred.

Thank you so much in advance,
Heidi

You can't enforce any financial contribution from him beyond the standard CSA maintenance (15% of his net wage reduced by 1/7 for each overnight - so if it's 4 nights a fortnight it would be reduced by 2/7). If he won't agree on any further contribution don't push it - you can't make him and you'll only get upset trying. Have you applied for tax credits? These would help with contributions towards your childcare. I know it's frustrating because childcare should be a joint expense, but it's not worth it.

I would suggest more regular contact than just every other weekend - can he do either a mid week overnight, or alternatively half of each weekend? Two weeks is a long time for them to go without seeing each other.

WRT contact between you, you can't enforce it, but could you perhaps make an agreement that whichever parent has the child will text the other each night to let them know she is ok and a brief overview of the day? This means you get the info you need to set your mind at ease, but it will feel like a two way agreement iyswim. You could also agree on regular phone or video calls between your child and the other parent - again both when she is with you and when she is with him. This does depend on the age of your daughter obviously.

Mediation techniques, haven't done it personally but I would write a list of the matters you want to discuss and what your thoughts are on each matter, and ask your mum and MIL to ensure that you each get a chance to voice your opinion on each matter without the other interrupting or shouting them down.

Be aware that this may not result in agreement. He sounds controlling and abusive, and you may find he will refuse to agree with any of your suggestions on principle. Do not feel that this means that you have to agree with his suggestions - if you don't reach an agreement then that is ok. You can go away and think about his proposals or you can disagree. If that happens, either put your proposal in writing or as your solicitor to do so - keep a copy. If he will not reach an agreement with you you need to document that you have offered reasonable contact.

Maintenace is 15% of his wage with1/7 puff for every night contact with father. That is the legal requirement and does not need any addition payment on it legally.

On average the following is normal contact. Contact could be Friday after nursery to Monday to nursery every other week (he would be responsible for Monday nursery cost every other week).

Half of all holidays would be spilit and one night a week - say Wednesday (resulting in his payment of nursery on Thursdays.

However if you started with 50% shared care then it would be reasonable to split child care costs 50:50 too. 50:50 is a good place to start negiotations as if youacnowledge that both parents are equally important, responsible and vital to the child/children then you are more likely to come to a arrangement with contact and finance that is mutually agreeable, benefits the child and stops ongoing resentment.

However, if you start negotiations with the attitude/view that father is not a valuable as mother and focus purely on finance implications then that's a sure fire way to end up purely with legal amount of maintenance and a long term breakdown of relations.

Good advice above from Optimistic

You can use the CSA calculator as a guideline for what he should pay link to CSA calculator

I would not ask for child care costs plus maintenance. As said above, apply for tax credits and get the maintenance sorted.

Were you married?

I can't see mediation involving 2 mothers going well tbh (but I'm a cynic). I paid a lot for impartial mediation but that meant there was full disclosure of circumstances and I didn't feel threatened. His Mum will 'fight' his corner, your Mum will 'fight' yours. It could end up messy and unproductive.

Good luck.

x-post with latemates

What you are proposing sounds more than reasonable. i think the main sticking point would be the childcare costs. Have you been able to sort out tax credits yet?
A top tip for dealing with a difficult Ex is to suggest much less than you are happy to agree to - it still gives them the feeling then that they are in the driving seat.
You sound very sensible and level headed - do ignore the jibes from Latemates - am not sure what his/her agenda is but he/she quite like to paint single mums as the devils incarnate who are trying to drag helpless kids away from poor, deprived fathers

Lol sassy, what jibes do you imagine I have made?

Less than what you are happy to give is how an ex start being difficult as it looks like you are trying to push them out. So maybe you are the onepushing an agenda

Remind us again how long you've been a lone parent with a difficult ex Latemates ?

Oh that's right suddenly I have to prove who I am and my brakground from conception to present day. You wouldn't believe what ever I say because I don't agree with you therefore I can't even be a woman right?

Lol temper temper. Am just pondering your obsession with setting the feckless single mothers straight on every post.
Am sure they're looking for 'experts' over on the Doghouse. No experience required. Just pitch up and insist that you're always right

Imnot insisting I'm always right and not losing my temper here just laughing at you and ur insistence that any view the is not urs must therefore be wrong.

And Actually your the only poster on this thread that has offer less than you would be happy with to make the ex feel he is lucky with what he gets. You do realise that he would end up likely with more than every other weekend if he doesn't accept what the other parent wants and takes it further

And I wouldn't go on a thread about dogs as I know nothing about dogs and I have never owned a dog, been a dog, married to a dog ever

Oh and what jibes did you image I made I'm sure am currious?

'You do realise that he would end up likely with more than every other weekend if he doesn't accept what the other parent wants and takes it further '

And it is exactly that sort of generalised misinformation spouted as 'law' which removes any credence which you think that you may have sweetie

Want to give any stats to support your theories ? Or do you just take it all from the F4J website.

Ah sweetie that wasn't a jibe a jibe means to mock or taunt.

And Of course advice on here is going to be general as I am not able to be privy into every specific of the OP situation so therefore I am giving replies which she is welcome to take on board totally, slightly or totally ignore.

And generally speaking it is becoming more and more common should cases go to court that every other weekend, one night per week and half holidays are being rewarded. Although, I do not speak for every case and situation as on times this is not suitable for.many different reasons.

However, the point I was making (and not being clear enough it appears) is that in my opinion (please note sassy its an opinion and not law and therefore I am not saying this is law and will definitely be the case) if she goes into the meeting saying I am mum therefore I may allow you to see my child a tiny amount and what u say goes. It is going to set the discussions off badly and the father and his mother are going to have their heckles up and be ready to fight their corner.
However, alternatively if she goes into the meeting saying something like - our child needs both parents and families and we need to find a system which allows child to see us and our wider families regularly and that will still allow us to uphold our work commitments etc.then it is going to make it far easier to discuss as adult as already the focus is the Childs needs and not I want my child xyand z so you can have w.

And contact should be the Childs needs first and foremost every time.

Op I can direct you to research and further information on how best to approach the issues you are goi to face. If you are interested let me know?

boing if you are incurring childcare costs because you work and you want your ex to contribute, then you should be prepared for him to propose an alternative to the childcare you choose (and are expecting him to pay for).
Generally, the standard agreement seems to be that the parent whose care the child is in arranges and pays for the childcare they need. Why not consider a more equal share of care with each of you incurring a more equal share of the childcare costs?

Would you be happy with 50:50 care - particularly if you are relying on professional childcare some of the time?

This will soon be the starting point for all family court cases - what reasons can you give why 50:50 is not practical/appropriate for the DCs?

Hello everyone, thank you so much, I wasn't expecting to see any messages back so I'm delighted.

This is really good advice and I'll certainly be using it. I think the advice about agreeing a text/call each night is brilliant and would be easier than waiting for a text/call back and not getting it and then causing any worry on my part.

I also think offering perhaps some additional days and therefore asking for some money towards childcare is excellent also.

He does love her and although he is an a*se to me, I do recognise that it's important for him to be in her life. I just don't want to be bullied into an agreement that just suits him; that would breed resentment.

Latemates - I appreciate your opinion but I didn't find your comments very constructive (ie: x-post), but thanks anyway.

Thanks all!!

Boing - sorry you found my posts unconstructive. Struggling to understand as I feel my posts are of a similar vein to all the others bar sassy. But I am glad for some feedback on what would make them more constructive? Clearly something is not coming across right or was it just sassy weird problem with me that makes my posts appear different.

Generally interested - should anyone be willing to comment, constructively of course ;)

I hope your meeting goes well and your happy with the financial agreement and the contact agreed

'At the moment I'm going to suggest every other weekend and half child care costs plus maintenance. Is this reasonable?'

But he would most likely get more access than that.

It's ok not liking what posters are saying, but this is true it can't just be dismissed.

And if you think fathers should be equal doesn't make you a member of F4J.