Ex badmouthing you/ advice

[MagicHouse]

What do you do if you suspect your ex is painting you in a bad light to your children? I left a controlling relationship, and feel much happier on my own. But exh has had the children for longer chunks during the summer. When they return DD is always uptight and distant initially, barely speaking to me, after a day or two this turns into VERY clingy, emotional behaviour, wanting me all the time, and finally she calms down and reverts to "normal".

From little things she says, I suspect my ex paints me in a bad light, possibly blaming me for the break up and him as the innocent party. (The reality was yes, I initiated the split, but due to some pretty awful behaviour which I don't really want to talk to DD about as I want to protect her from most of it and try to have a positive relationship with him.)

Obviously I will never really know what's being said. I try to remain positive about the split, and instinctively don't defend myself, but speak of our split as if it were mutual (we didn't make each other happy etc etc). The trouble is knowing his character - he is capable of lying, very vengeful and bitter.

I do have some family/ friends saying I shouldn't try to paint him in a good light/ brush over it (close family/ friends are without exception hugely relieved we have split and have all since said how concerned they were about me).... other advice is to be positive for the children's sake. (But then.... IS it positive to be "nice" about someone you know can be just the opposite/ manipulative/ bitter/ controlling/ childish etc - wouldn't this make it more difficult for your children to talk about any concerns they had if you're always positive about the whole thing??!)

I know no-one here will advise me to say horrible things. I just want advice about how "nice" I ought to be. DD asked me "do you like Daddy?". I suspect this came from him (eg - mummy split up the family because she doesn't like Daddy). How do I answer that when no, I think he's pretty awful! I said something like "when I first met him I liked him very much, but them we started to argue." This wasn't good enough for my DD! She asked me again, so I said "sometimes". She then became quite upset. (Though she was hugging me tightly) My mum thinks I should have said something along the lines of, "he can be unkind, and I didn't like that, I like living with you " so that if he's ever unkind to her she can talk about it. Other advice is to remain upbeat/ positive all the time!

What would you do?/ say?

You might find the book 'Divorce Poison' helpful. Have a look on Amazon.

Just an idea, can you say something along the lines of "I like the way he helps you (eg) ride your bike and reads you stories. But I didn't like the way we used to argue and make each other unhappy." Maybe she is having problems understanding how he can be a good dad to her but you don't like him?

Hopefully he is a good dad, of course. That would sort of give her opening if she is unhappy with his behaviour as well, but also help her to see that people can do good and bad things. She may feel disloyal for loving him as well as you. Or perhaps he is badmouthing you. I think you do need to talk to her about it if she is fishing though.

In my opinion you should not lie to Dcs about their NRP. It prevents them from talking openly to you about their experiences with them. neither should we minimise the feelings (positive or negative) that they have for either parent.

My children were themselves EA and PA by their father...only by being honest about the feelings that they had/have (love/pity/sadness) and the reality of his treatment of them (manipulative, cruel, selfish) can they navigate their relationship with him and stay safe.

Of course bad-mouthing the other parent is never a good idea, but I would acknowledge and explore the feelings that she has about him and his treatment of her....or give her some safe places to do it herself (child-line or the hideout on Women's Aid) if she is older and unwilling to unburden on you. If your partner was controlling towards you it is more than possible he will be manipulative and controlling with her...both because that is the way he relates and because she is a link back to you. We need to give our children the tools to know that this is not acceptable or loving behaviour.

Absolutely agree with Foolonthehill - as children grow and 'learn', they very soon realise that some of the behaviours and opinions expressed by the adults in their lives are 'not' right and as she develops into a teenager, she may need to be able to handle any controlling and manipulative behaviours herself
I think your mums advice is definately on the right tracks. NSPCC offer some support programs in scenarios like this.

What is EA and PA?

How long have the children been with the NRP? Before you jump into assumptions about him badmouthing, you consider the fact that the children have been in a different environment for a while, following a different set of rules and routines, and have been spending a lot of time with the other parent so it is natural for them to take some time to find their feet coming back to your home.

They may have been having a good time and may be sad that the holidays are over, they would like you to be together again (I know, they never end up loosing that hope, do they? ) and more likely they should be overtired especially if the routines are completely different to yours.

It is also possible that he has said not very nice things about you but they do not have to be necessarily terrible things, so there is no need to make things worse by saying something far worse than what the situation required. But as you say, it is difficult to know what they have been told exactly, so keep things mild.

I think that what you told her was the right answer. You did like him at the beginning but not anymore. I normally say things like "he is not a bad person but we do not get along as well as we once did".

DS was put through a lot of abuse at his dad's house for a long time, and at the time he didn't need any clarification on who was right, who was lying, who was the baddy (if any) or anything of the sort, he simply knew. At the end of the day DS was the only one who was seeing how both of us conducted ourselves, how nice we were, and how badly we could behave. He made his own mind since very early on, I'm afraid. With difficult questions I would just say... what do you think about that? how do you feel? and let him take the things of his chest.

The ex keeps talking about parental alienation, saying I block contact, and cannot understand why DS doesn't jump to the opportunity to ring him /talk to him in Skype. The truth is... it doesn't have anything to do with me, he ruined his relationship with his child and no matter what he told DS about me, DS has made his mind on who and what to believe.

Thanks for all the replies.

EA and PA is emotional and physical abuse.

I guess my main concern is that my ex is manipulative. When we first got together he did a very good job of persuading me that my best friend and my mum were bitter/ jealous of me/ blah blah..... I drastically reduced contact with both for a while although as it turned out was too close to both for this to stay permanent, and after a while he gave up. Having said this, my mum since said he could be very unpleasant to her when I was out of the room, to the extent she barely visited us anymore, and had begun to come to terms with the fact she had lost me as a daughter as I seemed to be entrenched in my miserable relationship and unwilling to hear any concerns etc etc. My best friend also said she had come to terms that I seemed stuck in a bad relationship and all she could do was be there for me as I didn't seem to want to do anything about it. (In my case it all came to a head, and I realised I had to get out.)

I just know, in that way some men are, that he is very "good" at being manipulative and controlling, and that if as an adult I believed everything he said (initially), what chance does a small child have. (I will keep looking at advice with this, eg the book/ NSPCC mentioned)

Having said that, I also think that maybe if I'm just consistent and loving, like people say, my children will make their own minds up. And as has been said, I don't know what's being said anyway. I've decided not to lie though, as in I'll say "we argued/ stopped liking each other/ sometimes he could be cross, which I didn't like (she'll know this to be true for herself)". I like the advice of asking her how she feels/ what she thinks too.