LP newbie

[nuks]

Hi ladies, I'm joing the single parents thread. 7-yr relationship (not married, just common-law) has just ended, hopefully for good. We tried to end it twice before but he came back and I said yes. Reasons & history are irrelevant now, I'm just trying to focus on what's next. The relationship has been sour for years now, so I'm past the sadness stage.. I guess I feel relieved. And scared of being single with 4-yr child in a new country. I don't have family or close friends here, we moved to the UK last year.

We're still living under the same roof but that will end very soon as he's moving abroad for a job. We were renting together up until June and I've now signed up on my own. However, I allowed him to stay until his departure so that he doesn't enter a new rental contract (this was not wise but that's that.. he's leaving end of September).

I don't understand how he can move abroad - he is not going to our home country but a different one - and put an ocean between him and DD, he loves her and is/was a good father... I'm very concerned about her coping with all of this. She loves him a lot and is unaware of him moving out soon. She knows things aren't quite right between us but I guess that was the norm for the past months (or I should say years?).

Financially speaking I'm not in a tremendously good place but things could be worse so I'm grateful with where I am now... I work full-time and don't think I qualify for any benefits other than a 25% reduction in council tax and the child benefit that we're already getting. I also get childcare vouchers from my employer as a salary substitute, so there is some tax relief there too.

There is no joint property/debt to speak of, so no worries on that front. We have discussed child maintenance and tentatively agreed on using the CSA calculator to determine the amount, and from what I understand that's roughly 15% of net income? DD is starting school next week so luckily nursery fees will be reduced to before/afterschool fees.

Some questions..

Is it a good idea to put things in writing, with regards to child maintenance? What should we do about custody, contact, all that stuff? Can we/should we write some agreement? Notarised?

Any suggestions, things I should consider/discuss/agree on while he's still around?

Many thanks.

"Hi ladies, I'm joing the single parents thread."

mea culpa...

this didn't come out right.. :) apologies to the single dads on here, if any. i'm somewhat new on mumsnet so not sure about the demographics.

yes put in writing and both sign it

use eg

this has a checklist

www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/FINAL%20web%20version%20251108.pdf

if going abroad what will legal position be re maintnance some countries the CSA wont be able to chase...depends...

www.spig.clara.net/p-plans/p-plans.htm

www.nfm.org.uk/what-else-do-i-need-to-know/parenting

Thanks, I hopefully won't need the CSA to chase, he's a responsible dad - or so I think, based on his behaviour so far. We're just using their calculator to figure out a minimum amount.

Not sure we need to agree formally on contact since she'll live with me, go to school, etc and he'll see her once or twice a year on vacations (which is sad but I can't do anything to prevent this..). I'm planning on being very flexible on phone/skype contact, he can call her every day if he wants to. I was raised by a single mum and I met my father when I was 15, became friends since. So I'd like to give him the chance to be involved as much as he wants to.

Nuks I don't think you need to formalise your arrangement - I am in one of those 'co-parenting' situations and when I sought legal advice re: formalising it the lawyer told me that's necessary only if you can't agree with your ex. If you can, my understanding is there is no need to.

Sorry to hear your ex is moving so far away. I have a small fear my ex might do the same at some point (he never liked London much, his business opportunities might be better elsewhere) - it will break my DD's heart if he does.

Hi and welcome.
If your Ex is not resistant to the idea of formalising financial arrangements, then there are no reasons not to really. Things can change rapidly if new partners etc change the dynamics of a separation - it's not unheard of for 'new' partners to start muddying the waters about what NRPS should be providing to support their kids.
It is incredibly sad that he is moving away but you sound as if you are laying the groundwork for ensuring they are in contact as much as his possible given his decision. The main thing in the circumstances is that she has a stable, secure home with you.
Good luck.

Don't mean to be the voice of doom but I would do all my budgeting based on not receiving maintenance - historically it dried upo where there is a move abroad & little contact.

He's moving abroad and you are considering something informal? I wouldn't. I really wouldn't. He's not a good dad. He's leaving the country. That is appalling.

Sorry but I agree with teh voice of doom poster before me.

I agree with those who have said don't think it will always be this amicable as good as it is now and if you can get him to sign up to an agreement now when things are going well it will, I am sure save heart ache down the line. He can't come back and ever say you said something else - even though now you may feel he would never do that - you really never know.

Thanks everyone for the answers... yes I agree that it might be the wisest to put it in writing, and will discuss it with him. However, from what I understand when someone moves abroad there is little, if anything, one can do to enforce payments if he'll decide not to honor them - so not sure how that'll help?

I don't know.. I like to think that I know people and I don't think he'll let her down. If he does well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now I prefer to trust him on that - even though I'm failing to understand his moving away from her. (he hates the UK but that's another story).

I'm very concerned with DD dealing with it though. I don't even know how and when to tell her. Should we try and do it now while he's still here? will she understand, being so young? what exactly should we tell her? :(